Friday, March 31, 2006

Rebel Rabbit

Once again, we ask: What the fuck is wrong with Florida?

A woman confronted her neighbor for sexually assaulting her son. She told him she was going to call the cops and turn his sorry ass in. He gave her six hundred dollars, and she let him rape the boy again. Six hundred dollars.

What, you don't believe me? You're thinking, come on, Jude, you've gotta be making that up, right? Well, think again.
A woman confronted a neighbor accused of sexually assaulting her 7-year-old son and threatened to call police, but then accepted $600 in hush money and let the man molest the boy again, authorities said.

The 30-year-old woman was charged Tuesday with capital sexual battery and child abuse. The neighbor, Nicholas Quiles, 48, has been charged with capital sexual battery. Both are being held without bail.

The alleged sexual assaults happened the first two weeks of February, Lt. Jeffrey Harrington said.

The boy told his 11-year-old sister that Quiles did "bad things to him," the girl told detectives. An anonymous tip led investigators to the neighbor and mother.

The boy, his sister and their toddler brother were removed from their home, Harrington said. There is no evidence so far that the other children were sexually abused, he said.

"There are definitely oddities to this case," Harrington said. "I hope we never have to investigate anything like this again."
Oddities? Oddities? That's the strongest thing you can say, Lieutenant?

What the fuck, Florida?

You may be wondering what this article has to do with the title of the post. I'll tell you.

In 1949, Warner Brothers released a Bugs Bunny cartoon with that title. I haven't seen in in quite a few years, but I do remember something very relevant from that short. I'll provide the setup, so's you have proper context.

Bugs is reading the list of bounties for wild animals. Foxes are worth $50, bears are worth $75. But rabbits only rate 2 cents. Bugs is outraged. He goes to Washington, D.C., to complain, and he decides to raise forty kinds of hell to show people that rabbits can be dangerous.

He ties up the railroads (literally), paints the Washington Monument to look like a barber's pole, and sells Manhattan back to the Indians.

Here's where it becomes relevant--Bugs, armed with only a handsaw, cuts off the state of Florida from the rest of the country. As it drifts away, he yells, "South America, take it away!" (Apparently, this was a line in a popular song at the time.)

That's what we need. Bugs Bunny, where have you gone? We need your help!

Oh, and apologies to South America for dumping Florida on them. I guess we could just anchor it in the Atlantic somewhere instead of leaving it adrift.

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Thursday, March 30, 2006

Happy Birthday to Her

Yes, it's Brenda's birthday!

Everyone wish her well. And good luck with her job search. If you don't, I'll send an asshole with a snake to your house to take you for a ride.

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In Praise of His Noodly Appendage

In case you didn't know, I am a Pastafarian. That's right. I worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I have, in fact, been touched by His Noodly Appendage (I should add that I was an adult at the time, and the encounter was consensual). All praise to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, without whom we wouldn't even exist.

This last Monday, USA Today ran an article on Our Lord and His Prophet, Bobby Henderson. The article was, overall, fair. I do not feel persecuted in the least. Of course, the usual haters from the Discovery Institute (where, I believe, not a single discovery has been made) and other bastions of intolerance toward Pastafarianism have negative things to say, but such is to be expected. It takes a long time to show people the light.

However, there is one thing in particular that bears mention.

To wit, in the spirit of the founding of our church, I address the following open letter:

Dear Michael Ruse:

First, I'd like to thank you for your yeoman work in the past on the philosophy of science, particularly with respect to evolution. I've personally used several of your books, such as Darwinism Defended and The Evolution Wars, to good effect in various projects.

However, it seems to me that you need to put greater care into choosing your example when speaking with reporters. Please allow me to refresh your memory:
Florida State University science philosopher Michael Ruse, a critic of creationism, doubts that parodies change anyone's mind about evolution. "However, sometimes parodies outlast the originals," he adds, pointing to the classic Alice in Wonderland, in many ways a poke at math and logic.
Yes, I guess Alice in Wonderland has outlasted math--no one teaches that to children anymore.

It is possible, of course, that you were misrepresented by the reporter. If such is the case, I apologize. If not, however, I beg you to try the following.

Pray to the Flying Spaghetti Monster that the correct analogies and comparisons will come to you. If so petitioned, He will undoubtedly touch you with His Noodly Appendage, and the proper words will then flow like chunky marinara sauce from your heart, mind, and soul.

Thank you, Dr. Ruse,

Jude Toche, concerned citizen and Pastafarian.

That should do it.

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Florida Stupidity Watch, Continued

"Hey, Joe Bob."


"I'm a-gonna take a ride. Wanna come?"


"Awright, then. I'll jest take mah pet snake along."

Can you guess how this little ride ended? I'll bet you can.
Courtland Page Johnson, 30, of 1373 Wildwood Lakes Blvd., was driving his PT Cruiser on Golden Gate Parkway at about 9 p.m. when the pet snake he had wrapped around his neck attacked his face, Naples police officials said.
Can you spot how many mind-bogglingly stupid things are in that paragraph?

Come on, give it a try!

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Online Petition

I found this online petition at Volokh and wanted to pass it along. Here's the story in brief:
On January 3, 2006, 18-year-old Nazanin was sentenced to death for murder by court in Iran after she reportedly admitted fatally stabbing one of three men who attempted to rape her and her 16-year-old niece in a park in Karaj (a suburb of Tehran) in March 2005. She was seventeen at the time. Her sentence is subject to review by the Court of Appeal, and if upheld, to confirmation by the Supreme Court.
If you're interested, they are, of course, debating the legal merits on Volokh.


Wednesday, March 29, 2006

I Write the Tests

That make the students curse.

God damn. I never appreciated how much work goes into writing tests until I had to do it a few hundred times. For those who think that all of our educational problems can be solved by standardized tests: Go to hell.

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The Onion

I think legal writing destroys one's ability to write well in any other context. I don't have much confidence in my blogging lately -- just throwing ideas on the net and passing along interesting tidbits. So sorry if I'm not very entertaining, but it's not my fault.

Here's today's poorly written thought. I've always been a fan of The Onion. In general most of the writing is clever and the satire is excellent. But lately it seems like the articles are too similar. I find myself increasingly drawn to the Onion AV Club, the non-fiction news and opinion side of the Onion. Usually I just read Savage Love and dismiss the rest, but the acticles are enjoyable lately. It's like the writers take conversations that they have amongst themselves and post them online.

For example today there is a list of "Surefire Fiascoes That Unexpectedly Succeeded." The list chronicles eight (an excellent arbitrary choice) movies and tv shows that were expected to fall flat but rose to great heights commercially or artistically. They also have standard movie and music reviews. It's quickly becoming a must read for me.

Of course the writers come off just as pretentious as any pop culture reviewers, but I generally agree with them. And I've glad someone finally gave props to the American version of The Office which borrows the originality and characters from the Brits, but also succeeds on its own merit.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

No News

The news roundup today was just too depressing. More evidence that Bush lied to us to get the country into Iraq (amazing, isn't it, how the half-baked idea of yesterday becomes the fact of today), Iraq continues its slide into being totally FUBAR, border security (the real kind, not the we-don't-like-no-brown-people kind) is still a sad fucking joke, and American Idol is still on TV.

I'm also really busy. You guys entertain yourselves today. I'm gonna get drunk and write a test!

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Monday, March 27, 2006

Gay Marriage

Steve Gilliard had this up, and it's too good not to pass along.

10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong (not what you think)...

01) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

02) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

03) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

04) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

05) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

06) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

07) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

08) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

09) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.
I should've hung around more tall people. I guess I missed out.

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Religious Fervor

You absolutely must get a copy of the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

If you don't, then the terrorists have won.

While you're buying books, you should consider Tom Tomorrow's Hell in a Handbasket.

If you don't, then Sean Hannity will have won.

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Oglala Sioux Step up to the Plate

I saw this article the other day, and Brenda mentioned it as well. I like stories like this.

Oglala Sioux Tribe President Cecelia Fire Thunder says a clinic on the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation could provide abortions if South Dakota’s new abortion ban goes into effect.

“We’re working on it,” Fire Thunder said in a telephone interview Friday. “This is a free-choice issue. If I were in that situation, I’d want somewhere to go where I’d be taken care of.”

The new South Dakota law bans all abortions except to save the life of the mother — with no exceptions for rape or incest.

Fire Thunder said the state law would not apply to the reservation. “We’re a sovereign nation,” she said.

The new law is set to go into effect July 1, but a court challenge almost certainly will delay it, and opponents of the law are already gathering signatures to put it on the ballot in November.

Fire Thunder, in fact, is one of 15 co-leaders of the new South Dakota Campaign for Healthy Families, which on Friday announced a statewide campaign to overturn the new law.

South Dakota Attorney General Larry Long declined to comment on the proposal, saying he likely would have to write a description of the new law for ballots in November.

Long said that major crimes committed on reservations come under state jurisdiction if they are committed by non-Indians against non-Indians. Other major crimes fall under federal law.

Rapid City attorney Charlie Abourezk, who has experience in Indian law and who has represented tribes and President Fire Thunder, said Indian doctors might be immune from the new state law if abortions were done on a reservation — whether the woman was Indian or non-Indian.

University of South Dakota law professor Frank Pommersheim, an expert in Indian law, agreed that Fire Thunder’s proposal was “potentially workable” — especially if doctors were Indians and if the clinic were on Indian trust land.

Pommersheim said licensing could pose a problem. Physicians licensed by the state of South Dakota could face penalties, but he also said tribes might set up their own licensing procedures.

Long said that Indian Health Service physicians don’t have to be licensed by South Dakota as long as they have licenses from other jurisdictions.

State Rep. Elizabeth Kraus, R-Rapid City, who voted for the new abortion ban, said state legislators did not anticipate a tribal government setting up a clinic. “I think it’s poor policy because I don’t believe in abortion unless it’s to save the life of a mother,” Kraus said. “I don’t believe abortion is the answer to women’s problems.”

Fire Thunder’s proposal will be moot if South Dakota’s new abortion ban never goes into effect. In fact, she predicted a federal court would rule it unconstitutional. But she said if the law did go into effect, she would work to open a clinic, maybe even on land she would donate. “We’ve got lawyers working on it right now,” she said.

Earlier in the week, Fire Thunder told newspaper columnist Tim Giago that she would “personally establish a Planned Parenthood Clinic on my own land.”

Planned Parenthood officials “expressed gratitude” for the offer in a news release Friday but said they didn’t plan to open a reservation clinic.

“It doesn’t have to be Planned Parenthood,” Fire Thunder said Friday.

Fire Thunder has worked as a licensed practical nurse, and she has helped set up community health clinics in Los Angeles. She said the tribe could set up its own clinic. “If we choose to do this, we can.”

Fire Thunder said such a clinic could serve women “from throughout the region.” But she also emphasized the clinic’s local effect. “We want to have a viable option closer to home,” Fire Thunder said in a written statement issued late Friday afternoon. “Of course, in our culture, children are sacred, but women are sacred too, and somebody who has been victimized by rape or incest should have options.”
Ha ha ha ha ha. Fuck you, South Dakota anti-woman legislators. I guess you forgot about the Indians. Which is kind of odd, when you think about how much land in South Dakota belongs to them.

I like Ms. Fire Thunder's last sentence--a sentiment you don't see from the anti-abortion crowd: "Women are sacred too."

Also, this is on the Pine Ridge Reservation, site of the fucked-up shootout that resulted in the almost-certainly wrongful imprisonment of Leonard Peltier. Check that out sometime if you don't know about it. He's still in Federal lockdown at Fort Leavenworth, KS.

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Pretty Picture

Isn't she lovely?

And she's got a birthday coming up. Happy birthday, my friend.

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Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

I happened upon this film on some movie channel the other day. It wasn't bad, I like Sam Rockwell and Mos Def, both of whom did a nice job in this one. But it made me remember a game I had as a kid. It was all text and to play you type in commands. It seemed very sophisticated at the time.

Of course a Google search found the game quite quickly and I'll pass it on to you.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Duke = Yankees

I had to respond to Jude's post about the Blue Devils being the college hoops version of the Yankees. The only thing they have in common is the consistent winning, but that isn't what makes the Yankees evil.

The Yankees suck because:

1) They buy players instead of developing talent. See e.g. Sheffield, Giambi, Randy Johnson, A-Rod, Matsui, etc. They have the highest payroll in the league. Several of these guys subsequently admitted to using 'roids.

2) Their star player, Jeter, is an overrated pretty boy.

3) They're in New York City which is full of elitist bitches that call NYC "The City" as if there were no other municipality in the world.

But Duke is none of those things. They have hard working guys that make their freethrows and play team oriented basketball. Plus they're actually student athletes, guys who have little more upstairs than the average baller. And they win without having super-talented guys -- the opposite of the Yankees. The successful NBA players to come out of Duke (Brand, Magette, and Grant Hill) are far fewer in number than the guys coming out of UConn or UNC.

In short, Duke has way more redeeming qualities than the Yankees. But I'm glad LSU beat the stank out of 'em. That was a great game.
99 Luftballons

Hast du etwas Zeit für mich
Dann singe ich ein Lied für dich
Von 99 Luftballons
Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont
Denkst du vielleicht g'rad an mich
Singe ich ein Lied für dich
Von 99 Luftballons
Und das sowas von sowas kommt

That's right, fools. Nena's big-ass 1984 hit "99 Luftballons" (and its somewhat crummy English counterpart, "99 Red Balloons") is in the news again.

Why are we mentioning this? Because it's going to be on one of the stupid VH1 channels (since when is there more than one?) for an entire hour Sunday. An entire hour.

Hell, by the end of that, you'll be praying for that nuclear war Nena & the boys were so worried about.

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Oh So Many Significant Things

Glenn Greenwald has a great post up about the Washington Post's recent foolishness (in case you haven't been following, they hired Ben Domenech, the son of a well-connected Bush appointee, to write a blog for them, to balance out the liberal voice that they don't have, and he turned out to be, among other things, a serial plagiarist).

Domenech was enough of an asshole to call Coretta Scott King a communist on the day of her funeral. So pardon me while I enjoy my comfy seat on the Schadenfreude Express.

Greenwald and his co-hosts have also been all over the Feingold censure resolution, what it means, and why Democratic Senators should have jumped on it when the jumping was good.

As one of Russ Feingold's constituents, I'd like to express my small thanks to the man for his consistently superior performance in D.C. If you're so inclined, sign up on Feingold's Progressive Patriot e-mail list. It's worth the small amount of time it takes.

You're the shit, Russ Fiengold.

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Geaux Tigers!


Fuck Duke. They're pretty much the Yankees of college basketball. And, as we always say, quoting the mantra of Steve Gilliard:

Fuck the fucking Yankees.

So, yeah. Fuck Duke. And that jackass coach of theirs. I just wish that the jagoffs would have been sent home in the first round.

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Thursday, March 23, 2006

Watch Out for the Rattlesnake, Motherfucker!

I haven't said anything about it--mostly because I feel that anything so manifestly wonderful doesn't need any of my rather poor attempts at boosterism--but this is too wonderful not to share.

In case you weren't aware, the Greatest Movie Ever Made will soon be in theaters.

What movie is that, you may ask?

Snakes on a Plane.

That's right. Snakes on a Plane. Starring Samuel L. Jackson. Samuel L. Jackson, who agreed to do the movie just because the title was Snakes on a Plane.

The premise? An assassin tries to kill a witness by letting a crate of snakes loose on a plane.

Snakes. On a motherfucking plane.

They recently had to shoot a few more scenes for this cinematic masterpiece.

Why, you may ask?

Because people wanted to hear Samuel L. Jackson say, in that unmistakable voice of his, "I want these motherfucking snakes off the motherfucking plane!"
Jackson publicly endorsed the move. "That's the only reason I took the job: I read the title," Jackson told entertainment site He added, "You either want to see that, or you don't."

New Line execs, concerned that it is too early to discuss the movie, declined comment. But sources now insist the studio never abandoned the "Snakes" title in the first place and that "Pacific Air" was just an internal working title.

In any event, "Snakes"-ophiles already were hard at work. Chris Rohan of Bethesda, Md., created an elaborate, R-rated audio trailer that lovingly mocks the title and movie. "It's a genius title," Rohan said. "It's so stupid it's great. It invites satire, but it's something you just love. It's something I can't explain. You either get it or you don't."

The audio bit uses a Jackson sound-alike shouting, "I want these motherfucking snakes off the motherfucking plane!" Soon, the growing legion of fans added their voices as they demanded that that phrase also appear in the movie.

Apparently, the studio got the hint. When Ellis assembled Jackson and others for the recent shoot, the filmmakers added more gore, more death, more nudity, more snakes and more death scenes. And they shot a scene where Jackson does utter the line that fans have demanded.

Those involved with the film said the reshoots weren't prompted by fans but rather by the existing footage that already was a hairline into R territory. Within the studio, the thinking was, "We're already going to get an R, why not go all the way?" But the filmmakers do concede that the Jackson line will be in the movie for the sake of the fans.

God loves me. That's the only possible explanation.

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The Latest Weapon in the War on Crime


That's right. Beer.

A store clerk in Knoxville, TN, clocked a robber upside the head with a six-pack of Bud Light that the would-be thief was trying to gank. The sad-ass excuse for a criminal then ran off.

Well, at least Bud Light is useful for something. You certainly can't drink that shit.

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Wednesday, March 22, 2006

You Useless Fucking Piece of Worm Shit!

It's better when people aren't yelling at you.



After (I think I had the same exact same expression on my face 13 years ago at boot camp.)

The whole bald group--aren't we some swell lookers?

As always, thanks to Errol for hosting our images.

Update: It occurred to me that most of you have no idea who these people are. Front row, left to right: Beth, Aly, Kia. Back row: Me, Becky, Oriol, Brett, Adam.


Something from the Anti-Woman Front

Ampersand at Alas, a Blog has a handy chart up about how inconsistent these "pro-life" jagoffs are with actually believing that abortion is equivalent to murder. Their policies do seem to be motivated by a desire to punish people, especially women, for having sex and then having the gall to enjoy it.

Take a look. It's fascinating.

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Baldness Update

Yes. I'm bald.

Pictures to follow soon, I'm sure.

Update to the update: If you can't wait for photos here, check out Aly's place.

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A Sad Day in New England

Mr. Vinatieri goes to Indianapolis.

Well, it's not as sad as Johnny "Benedict" Damon going to the Yankees.

But it's pretty sad. Why would Vinatieri ever leave Boston? I mean, I'm sure he never has to pay for a drink again, and his balls are probably so shiny he has to put on shades to look at them.

Why, Adam, why?

Oh, and fuck the fucking Yankees.

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Um, what's this together bullshit

So going to the super bowl can be pretty expensive for lots of people. But I don't think anyone is paying more than this poor bastard.
The brother of Pittsburgh Steelers safety Tyrone Carter had his sentence for driving with a revoked license increased from six months to five years because he failed to report to jail on time. Tank Carter was scheduled to report to a Broward County prison on Jan. 6, but decided against it when his brother told him the Steelers had a good chance of going to the Super Bowl.

. . .

Winning the Super Bowl meant "we finally made it together."
Yeah, ok, we won it "together." But one guy gets a ring, a parade, and a bonus. The other guy gets to wear orange jumpsuits and pick up garbage for 5 years. Way to go team.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006


Nope. Not male pattern. Self-induced.

Soon, for the second time in life, I will have a shaved head.

Why? Am I rejoining the military?

--Pause while I roll around peeing myself due to uncontrollable spasms of laughter--

Not bloody likely.

My friend Aly, who is undergoing chemotherapy treatment, is losing her hair. In solidarity, I will lose mine. I believe I'll have some company in this endeavor, also.

If you think I'm ugly with hair, you should see me without it.

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Meteorites? Fuck a Buncha Meteorites.

Yeah! Fuck the meteorites! Humans can do better!

That's right, bitches. We are responsible for the bestest mass extinction in a loooooong time.
OSLO (Reuters) - Humans are responsible for the worst spate of extinctions since the dinosaurs and must make unprecedented extra efforts to reach a goal of slowing losses by 2010, a U.N. report said on Monday.

Habitats ranging from coral reefs to tropical rainforests face mounting threats, the Secretariat of the U.N. Convention on Biological Diversity said in the report, issued at the start of a March 20-31 U.N. meeting in Curitiba, Brazil.

"In effect, we are currently responsible for the sixth major extinction event in the history of earth, and the greatest since the dinosaurs disappeared, 65 million years ago," said the 92-page Global Biodiversity Outlook 2 report.

Apart from the disappearance of the dinosaurs, the other "Big Five" extinctions were about 205, 250, 375 and 440 million years ago. Scientists suspect that asteroid strikes, volcanic eruptions or sudden climate shifts may explain the five.

A rising human population of 6.5 billion was undermining the environment for animals and plants via pollution, expanding cities, deforestation, introduction of "alien species" and global warming, it said.

It estimated the current pace of extinctions was 1,000 times faster than historical rates, jeopardizing a global goal set at a 2002 U.N. summit in Johannesburg "to achieve, by 2010, a significant reduction in the current rate of biodiversity loss."

"Unprecedented additional efforts' will be needed to achieve the 2010 biodiversity target at national, regional and global levels," it said. The report was bleaker than a first U.N. review of the diversity of life issued in 2001.


According to a "Red List" compiled by the World Conservation Union, 844 animals and plants are known to have gone extinct in the last 500 years, ranging from the dodo to the Golden Toad in Costa Rica. It says the figures are probably a big underestimate.

"The direct causes of biodiversity loss -- habitat change, over-exploitation, the introduction of invasive alien species, nutrient loading and climate change -- show no sign of abating," the report said.

Despite the threats, it said the 2010 goal was "by no means an impossible one."

It urged better efforts to safeguard habitats ranging from deserts to jungles and better management of resources from fresh water to timber. About 12 percent of the earth's land surface is in protected areas, against just 0.6 percent of the oceans.

It also recommended more work to curb pollution and to rein in industrial emissions of gases released by burning fossil fuels and widely blamed for global warming.

The report said, for instance, that the annual net loss of forests was 7.3 million hectares (18 million acres) -- an area the size of Panama or Ireland -- from 2000-2005. Still, the figure was slightly less than 8.9 million hectares a year from 1990-2000.

And it said that annual environmental losses from introduced pests in the United States, Australia, Britain, South Africa, India and Brazil had been estimated at more than $100 billion.

About 300 "invasive species" -- molluscs, crustaceans and fish -- have been introduced to the Mediterranean from the Red Sea since the late 19th century when the Suez Canal opened.

It gave mixed overall marks for progress on four key goals.

It said there was "reasonable progress" toward global cooperation but "limited" advances in ensuring enough cash and research. It estimated that annual aid to help slow biodiversity losses sank to $750 million from $1 billion since 1998.

And it said there was "far from sufficient" progress in better planning and implementation of biodiversity decisions and a "mixed" record in better understanding of biodiversity.
Damn straight. I mean, I don't think we'll ever match the Permian mass extinction, when between 90-95% of everything on the Earth died (including about 70% of all land families--families!), but we're some mass-extinctionin' motherfuckers. Go humanity!

Of course, our fearless leaders say: Global warming? What global warming?

I mean, isn't Jesus gonna come back next week? Who the hell needs to worry about anything stupid like environmental stewardship?

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Jude brought up this Boston neighborhood a few posts ago. It also happens to be where my car was found this past weekend. All jacked up. Apparently, It was used for target practice for kids with pellet guns. I'll update you later.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Piss off Hummer Drivers

Flip them the bird.

Come on! All the cool kids are doing it!

So, yeah. Fuck you and your H2.

Thanks to Tom & Ray at Car Talk for linking to the FUH2 site.

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Oh Yeah

It's been three years. Three years, hundreds of billions of dollars, and 2318 American soldiers, plus god only knows how many Iraqis.

Check out Think Progress's timeline for details.

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Something from Jon's Neck of the Woods

You know how you're never supposed to bring a knife to a gun fight?

Neither are you supposed to bring a nail gun to a baseball bat fight.

Note that this was in Roxbury. Such headlines, while not terribly common, don't exactly raise a lot of eyebrows there.

In other news, I'm back, peoples. I'll soon have pictures of places I've been and things I didn't see.

Six months after Katrina, Biloxi is still fucked up. Really fucked up.

I'll also have something about a man named Jesse Williams and the bullshit associated with his death. But for now, go read about pirates. Turns out that they don't really come off well in encounters with cruisers and destroyers.

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Monday, March 13, 2006

Checking Out

I'm going to be out of town for a few days, so don't expect much from me. I'll be enjoying the sun and warmth of someplace that's not Wisconsin.

Everybody send Jon money. Having your car stolen is pretty awful, to put it mildly.

Adios, everybody. I'll be back soon.

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"Yo. This is Edge"

I've just been reading about Edgerrin James signing with the Cardinals. I really liked what Manning had to say about losing his star running back.
The one thing that I am really glad about besides the fact that I got to play with Edgerrin for seven years was that my wife, Ashley, and I recently spent some time in Miami and Edgerrin took us out, and we had an absolutely great time together.
This reminds me of a story I heard from a friend of a friend who supposedly worked at a store in Tennessee where Peyton and Ashley were registered before their wedding. Sometime before their wedding she received a call and heard the voice on the other end say:
Yo. This is Edge. I don't know what you're sellin', but I'm about to buy the shit out of it.
I just like the idea of Edgerrin James buying a shitload of kitchen appliances.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

My life

Jude and I don't usually put personal stuff on the site. I just want everyone to know that I'm doing my taxes and hope to get a nice refund. And also my car got stole. This blows.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Spooky Understands

Spooky understands, man. And Spooky's headed to Iraq.

These things aren't "precision weapons" by any stretch of the imagination (I'll leave aside, for the moment, the utter fucking stupidity of calling a 2,000-lb bomb a "precision weapon"). They loiter overhead for hours, pouring round after round into a target area. These aircraft would be very useful for, say, covering a fighting withdrawal. I'm sure the Marines at Chosin would have appreciated a few.

And this isn't exactly heartening news. As usual, ignore what the leaders say, but watch what weapons they deploy.

You always get better intel from grunts and hardware than from generals and Secretaries.

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Reproductive Equality for Men?

Here's an interesting article that I wish I had more time to comment on. Hopefully I'll spark another debate and we can get some comments in here. While it does not seem fair that the woman holds the ultimate, unilateral power to continue or end a pregnancy, I don't really think this is the answer. And legally he doesn't stand a chance in hell.

Should a man be able to abort his financial responsibility to an unwanted fetus? Discuss!

UPDATE: This really deserves it's own post but on the website for the National Center for Men, I see that they have trademarked the phrase "Roe v. Wade . . . For Men." That's not gimicky at all.
Church Burning

Well they arrested three dipshits for burning churches . . . as a joke. Here's CNN's take.

One interesting bit: "Moseley told investigators that he and Cloyd set the other four fires 'as a diversion to throw investigators off,' the affidavit states." Well that's nice. The only thing worse than burning churches as a joke, is burning them to cover your tracks. Did they not realize that they were committing separate, punishable offenses each time? I hope they don't let these assholes plead guilty. They should get the max for every church burned.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

This Should Shock No One

I found this at Kristi's place.

Alton Brown

Which Food Network chef are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Woo hoo.

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Attention, All

I'd like to be serious for a moment.

My friend Aly recently got diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma. This blows.

Her prospects are good--she's young and healthy, and was diagnosed fairly early.

She's keeping a record of things over at, and would appreciate any support or positivity you threw her way, I'm sure (we're adding a link over to the right).

I'll have up more in the future about Relay for Life and some other, similar things.

Now I promise to go back to being a smart ass.

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Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Rumsfeld v. FAIR

The opinion came out and can be found here. If you aren't aware of the case, basically a bunch of law schools got pissed off about having to allow military recruiters on campus when the military discriminates on the basis of sexual orientation. If they bar them from campus, not just the law schools, but the entire university could lose federal funding. While a couple of smaller schools have decided to pay the price, places like Harvard stand to lose hundreds of millions.

I haven't read it yet, too much other shit going on, but it was decided 8-0 so apparently there wasn't much of a debate. I can't speak to the constitutionality, but I think it's bullshit. Law schools want their students to all have the same job opportunities, so when the military or a private law firm refuses to abide by the school's non-discrimination policy, they should not be allowed on campus.

Of course the far greater problem (and the one directly affecting my life) is discrimination based on grades. Why should I have fewer job offers simply because I a poor student? Life is so unfair.

More Local News

Here in Wisconsin, strange things are afoot.

You see, for the better part of the last two decades, the state imprisoned a man named Steven Avery for a rape and attempted murder that, it turns out, he didn't commit.

Thanks to the efforts of groups like the Innocence Project, Avery secured his release from the joint in 2003.

And, recently, he was arrested for the rape and murder of a woman named Theresa Halbach. He hasn't gone to trial yet, but damn, it doesn't look good for him.

Now, a rational human being might think: Damn. Those 18 years he spent upstate must have seriously fucked with him. What he did (if, as it seems, he actually did it) was awful, but maybe, just maybe, we should consider the effect of those missing two decades on his psyche. At any rate, if he is guilty, he needs to go back to prison, this time justly.

However, if you were a Wisconsin state legislator who also happened to be a Republican, you'd think: Woo hoo! Time to get the death penalty reinstated! Yee-haw!

Wisconsin has not executed anyone in over 150 years. That's since before the fucking Civil War.

And these assholes can't wait to turn the clock back that far.

Standard disclaimer: I am not excusing what it seems like Avery did. I'm just saying that using these events to advance a regressive agenda might be called, oh, politicizing the death of Theresa Halbach. That's all.

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Monday, March 06, 2006

So When Did the Department of Cruelty Become a Cabinet-Level Position?

Over at Common Dreams, we find that two Iraqi women have been denied visas to enter the US. That, by itself, is not too surprising, nor particulary awful.

Even if you add in the fact that they were coming at the request of anti-war groups, it's still not too surprising, giving the dipshits that are in charge of the country these days.

Here's where it veers into unbelievable cruelty: The women's husbands and children were killed by the US military in Iraq. The reason for their visa denial?
[T]he women don’t have enough family in Iraq to prove that they’ll return to the country.
I've got nothing to add.

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The Stupid Have Lawyers

So, apparently, nine American Idol fans have sued executives at RCA and Sony/BMG. Why, you might ask?

Because they now think that Clay Aiken is gay.

Isn't that like suing Rand McNally for making globes showing you that the world is round?

Here's the story:
LATEST: Nine former fans of AMERICAN IDOL star CLAY AIKEN are forging ahead with threats to sue his record label bosses for false advertising.

The one-time devotees have been shocked by recent US tabloid claims the wholesome pop singer is gay and they've filed a Federal Trade Commission complain against executives at RCA and Sony/BMG, alleging they were duped in marketing and promotional campaigns.

The nine-strong group, listing themselves as "aggrieved consumers" SUSAN J, PATRICIA A, JACQUELYN C, KAREN G, PHYLLIS S, CAROL M, KAREN G, KIM M and LINDA F, hail from all over America.

They allege that employees of RCA, Sony/BMG, and Aiken himself "engaged in collusion to prevent public disclosures they believed might be harmful to their product".

The angry ladies go on to state, "This is tantamount to a manufacturer concealing information about a defective product. Therefore these actions were both unfair and deceptive to consumers."

A spokeswoman for the group says, "As consumers, we feel ripped off. It is obvious now that the private Clay is very different from the manufactured packaged public Clay that was marketed to us."

The group is asking the FTC to investigate the practices of the record companies, to invoke civil penalties where appropriate, and to enjoin the companies from violating the Federal Trade Commission Act.

An FTC suit? A fucking FTC suit? What the fuck? I don't even watch American Idol, and I know that Clay Aiken is gay. And who gives a fuck, anyway?

Oh, lord, a gay person in the entertainment industry? I'm shocked!

Fucking morons.

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Saturday, March 04, 2006

Dispatches from the War on Choice

I know, I know. You're all sick of this, and Jon is preparing some sort of poison for me even now.

Anyway, I direct you once again to South Dakota, where we find the following blatant douchebaggery from one of the anti-woman jagoffs there who helped pass the recent abortion ban in that state.
FRED DE SAM LAZARO: Napoli says most abortions are performed for what he calls "convenience." He insists that exceptions can be made for rape or incest under the provision that protects the mother's life. I asked him for a scenario in which an exception may be invoked.

BILL NAPOLI: A real-life description to me would be a rape victim, brutally raped, savaged. The girl was a virgin. She was religious. She planned on saving her virginity until she was married. She was brutalized and raped, sodomized as bad as you can possibly make it, and is impregnated. I mean, that girl could be so messed up, physically and psychologically, that carrying that child could very well threaten her life.

First, let's look at his lurid rape fantasy. Think maybe he's obsessed about this scenario a bit more than is healthy? I mean, the rape has to be "savage" and "brutal." He even throws in sodomy, just for good measure, though how that directly relates to abortion I'm not sure. And is there now some kind of scale on which rapes are measured? Will that be implemented at clinics throughout the state? I'm trying to refrain from making the obvious smart-ass comments here, because it would be easy to dismiss this as farce--unfortunately, it's not.

Also, Mr. Napoli requires women who seek abortion to be religious. Again, I'm not sure why that matters so much, but that's the scenario he's constructed.

Now, most importantly, look at State Senator Napoli's condition in the second sentence:
"The girl was a virgin."
Jesus Christ. So anyone who's ever had sex, even once, is ineligible, according to uber-misogynist Napoli, for an abortion, even if that woman was raped. If you read him closely, he wants this hypothetical woman to have intended to remain a virgin until marriage. So I guess if she was thinking about giving it up before the wedding, then she deserved to be raped, huh?

He wants to punish women.

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Friday, March 03, 2006

Real Quick

Go read Scout's New Orleans accounts.

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Thursday, March 02, 2006

A Glimpse

Occasionally, we're given glimpses of why people do what they do. There's been some discussion here about whether or not the anti-woman crowd is motivated by a desire to punish women for their slatternly ways.

Well, check this out:

Incest is no exception to a father's right to know what's going on in his daughter's life.
That was the message from Utah lawmakers who refused Monday to make an exception for incest victims in a proposed law that would require parental consent and notification before a girl's abortion.

"There is a life inside of this life. And how that life is taken care of is very important to me," said Sen. Darin Peterson, R-Nephi.

Current Utah law - which was adopted in 1974 - requires doctors to notify a girl's parents before ending her pregnancy. HB85, sponsored by Ogden Republican Rep. Kerry Gibson and Peterson, would change state code to require doctors to get at least one parent's permission 24 hours before the procedure. Doctors could proceed without consent in medical emergencies or to protect the health of the mother.

The bill would allow girls to ask a judge to bypass the parental consent requirement if she fears abuse or is pregnant as a result of incest. At the same time, the legislation still would require a doctor to notify a girl's parents of the abortion, effectively nullifying the judicial bypass.

Salt Lake City Democratic Sen. Scott McCoy tried to amend the bill Monday to grant an exception to the notification requirement in "very narrow situations" where a girl's father also is the father of her baby.

Peterson argued that parental notification "hasn't been a problem" for 30 years. Why would notification after a judicial bypass be a problem? "What we're trying to do is allow a parent a say in what happens in this youth's life," he said.

But Sen. Patrice Arent said Peterson was closing his eyes to the "real world." The Murray Democrat said Utah lawmakers are setting up a situation where a girl who has been raped by her father would go to court to avoid telling her parents of her abortion. But the doctor still would notify one or both of those parents, who could be complicit in the incest.

"That doesn't make sense," Arent said. "This poor girl has gone through enough already."

Senators rejected the amendment on a voice vote.

Of about 3,300 abortions performed in Utah two years ago (the most recent data available), 195 were for girls under 18. According to statistics from the Utah Department of Health, 24 of those girls were younger than 15, and 171 were 15 to 17 years old.

The bill will have another hearing in the Senate, but is tabled with a $31,500 fiscal note based on estimates of extra court costs.

Conservative senators said the legislation is a test of their morals.

West Jordan Republican Sen. Chris Buttars scoffed at McCoy's suggestion that the legislation might force teens to other states for abortions or into their bathrooms to attempt the procedure on themselves.

"Abortion isn't about women's rights. The rights they had were when they made the decision to have sex," Buttars said. "This is the consequences. The consequence is they should have to talk to their parents."

And Peterson said restricting access to abortion sends a message.

"I'm not sure we should run away from the morals we have," he said. "We're told we can't teach abstinence in our schools. We're told to keep our religion out of our schools. I'm not sure we shouldn't stand on our morals and yell them from the mountaintops."

That's pretty clear, don't you think?

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Chutzpah Don't Even Begin to Describe It

Bush visits India--okay, that's news. Perhaps a discussion of US & Indian strategic interests, containing China, and so forth might be appropriate for an article on the subject. However, it's just an AP report, so I guess we can't bemoan the lack of analysis too much.

But here's what's most interesting in the article:
The president and his wife, Laura, then visited a memorial to India’s independence leader, M.K. Gandhi, standing in stocking feet for a moment of silence and wreath-laying at the site where he was cremated in 1948. Following tradition, the Bushes tossed flower petals on the cremation platform — repeating the gesture several times to make sure photographers could get the shot.

This guy's not even slightly concerned that there might be a hell.

This action is so far beyond irony that it's impossible for me to describe it.

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Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Something Local

Well, local for me. Not for Jon.

It turns out that, of the over 41,000 University of Wisconsin system employees, 40 have been convicted of felonies.


Let's see. If you read the article, you see than only nine were violent felonies, and that, of those 40, only 28 still work in the system. Nine of those listed were fraud/forgery, 7 had felony DWI's, and 6 had felong drug possession. And, really. Less than 0.1% of the employees are felons? That's cause for such alarm?

But a larger point needs to be made. Don't ex-cons deserve employment if they want it? I mean employment at decent, stable jobs, too. How would you expect someone to stay out of prison if that person is unemployable? What happened to the idea of paying one's debt? Shit. Do you have any fucking idea how easy it is to get a felony drug conviction in this state? Look here, in the appended tables, to find out. If you get pinched with any amount of weed twice, or meth just once, then that's a felony. Do you really think that, after serving three-and-a-half years for a possession rap, a person shouldn't be given a job ever again? Do you really think, college students, that you're above getting busted with some smoke on you?

Oh, yeah. Attention, Badger Herald: Your Editorial Board is staffed with dipshits. Also, the jagoffs at the Mendota Beacon think that you guys are liberal.

Seriously, though, Badger Herald--you don't need to compete with the douchebags in the state legislature in the World's Biggest Dumbass competition. It debases you, and Ted Kanavas (R-Mental Ward) will always have the edge on you.

As usual, props to the Daily Cardinal--this time, for not engaging in fear-mongering.

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What Does the Morning After Pill Do and What do Abortion Opponents want?


I think one of the most significant issues in the fight over the Morning After Pill is knowledge of what it does. Those who are against it say that it causes an abortion. But "Jackie Payne of Planned Parenthood accused Plan B opponents in the states of mounting 'an active attempt to blur the line and confuse people about emergency contraception -- saying it's abortion when it's not. Our job is to explain how emergency contraception avoids later abortions, and is in fact a win-win for everyone.'"

I don't think it is an active attempt to blur the line. An abortion is termination of a pregnancy, and a pregnancy occurs not when an egg is fertilized, but when it implants within the uterus. But those who oppose abortion (for the most part) believe that life begins at conception, not implantation. When they say they oppose abortion, what they mean is that they oppose termination of a fertilized egg -- this is what the morning after pill does.

The morning after pill does not technically cause an "abortion," but it does something equally objectionable to the Right to Life crowd. They aren't trying to confuse people or blur lines, they are just using the word "abortion" in a technically incorrect way. They would be more correct if they said "emergency contraception destroys a fertilized egg." Instead they use an inaccurate shorthand, "emergency contraception causes abortion."


What do abortion opponents want? Jude suggests that they want to control the reproductive rights of women, but I disagree. Along the same lines, I recently read (I believe it was in Slate) a piece that characterized abortion opponents as bigots, presumably because the affect on women is greater than the effect on men.

The problem with these characterizations is that they fail to recognize the true motivations of the opposing side in the debate. Abortion opponents aren't trying to change the rights of women for the sake of affecting the sexual and reproductive rights of women -- they oppose abortion because it destroys what they believe to be human life.

To analogize, I'm not a racist if I oppose prison reform even though a greater percentage of African American men are incarcerated and I'm not an anti-Semite because I oppose some aspect of Israeli foreign policy. One can have principled reasons to take a policitical position that adversely affects American minorities without racist or bigotrous motivations.

I'm not sure if I've made these points well enough because I'm also trying to pay attention in class. But comments are welcome.