The First Rule of Holes

STOP DIGGING

So it looks like Ann Coulter doesn't know that rule. She took to the Sean Hannity radio show to attempt a defense of her homophobic Edwards slur at the CPAC conference. Hilarity ensues:

COULTER: Right, and I suspect everyone listening to your show knows about that. I mean, I know -- well, I guess Pat is out in America now; you're primarily in New York City. I give a lot of speeches out in America, I frequently visit America, and Americans are pretty freaked out about somebody going to rehab for using a word, and that's of course what I was referring to. And I don't think there's anything offensive about any variation of faggy, faggotry, faggot, fag. It's a schoolyard taunt. It means -- it means wussy. It means, you know, Hillary giving a speech in a fake Southern drawl -- that's faggy. A trial lawyer who weeps before juries is faggy. Lifetime-type TV, faggy. Everyone understood I was not literally calling -- well, I was not calling -- well, for one thing, I wasn't calling John Edwards anything. That was the whole point. I couldn't talk about him, his life's work, his appeasement policies, his wimpiness on foreign policy, because that word is out of bounds. So, in point of fact, I called John Edwards nothing. I said I couldn't even discuss him because using any variation of that totally excellent word would send me into rehab.

Well, I'm convinced, Ann. Now go eat some more fetuses.

Overcoming the Lure of the Penis

Don't get hooked!

Hot on the heels of the dick-smoking, meth-snorting, hooker-humping Reverend Ted Haggard reporting that he's been "cured" of his lust for man-meat, Catherine Fenton wonders if she, too, can be weaned off wieners.

Boy, was I glad to hear that Ted Haggard was pronounced "cured" of his penis penchant after only three weeks of intensive counseling. You have no idea how much hope that gave to this girl. Like many women, I too have struggled to rid myself of the lure of the penis. Now, I don't know if this is just a rumor (you know how the internets can be) but I have heard that Ted is writing a book. It's going to be entitled "How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Pussy." As soon as it's listed on Amazon, I'll be pre-ordering it.

Listen, I've tried everything. I've been on the patch, I've chewed gum, I've tried to keep my hands busy with other things. And sure, those things helped with the cravings, but I always end up backsliding. "Oh, just this one penis," I'd tell myself, "then I'll stop for good." But it's time for me to face facts. A penis is like a potato chip...they're salty, they leave you with heartburn, and you never stop at just one.

I've emailed the National Association of Evangelicals requesting Ted's email address. I told them that I was very impressed with his rehabilitation, and I'd like some tips from him. So far, I haven't received an answer. You can find various email addresses for the NAE here:

http://www.nae.net/index.cfm?FUSEACTION=nae.contact [1]

I'll bet if they get a lot of requests for Ted's help in curing the desire for penises, they might set up a whole website devoted to it. And hey, they've done some good work with Ted, they should be congratulated for it, so don't forget to send a little praise their way. Just let them know that you've been living a life of sin, but you are ready to give up penises forever, and would like to learn how to love only women, the way Ted has. They don't mind if you're a woman who wants to learn how to be attracted to other women. I'm pretty sure of this, because they all voted for Dick Cheney, whose daughter is a pregnant lesbian and whose wife wrote a steamy lesbian romance. I mean, I didn't ask them, I just assumed it. Well, let's see what they say. I could be wrong about this. I hope I'm not. That would mean that all of the time I've spent trying to cure myself by looking at pictures of hot women on the Entertainment Tonight website were a total waste.

Also, ask them when you will be getting your Ted Haggard autographed "Prayer Helped me to Love Pussy" t-shirt. It has a picture of Ted and a little kitten on it. So, you can also wear it to church, because you know...kittens. Everyone loves a kitten.

Catherine Fenton
New York, NY

Damn, this is funny. We needed something like this for a Friday.

Prayer Helped Me to Love Pussy.

Well, prayer and the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I couldn't do it without His Noodly Appendage. Which is not at all penile. Shame on you for even thinking such a thing.

Makes Perfect Sense

Ted Haggard is "completely heterosexual." And I just won the Super Bowl...

...in Bizarro World.

What the fuck is it with these crazy Christians?

DENVER, Colorado (AP) -- One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is "completely heterosexual."

Haggard also said his sexual contact with men was limited to the former male prostitute who came forward with sexual allegations, the Rev. Tim Ralph of Larkspur told The Denver Post for a story in Tuesday's edition.

"He is completely heterosexual," Ralph said. "That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing."

Ralph said the board spoke with people close to Haggard while investigating his claim that his only extramarital sexual contact happened with Mike Jones. The board found no evidence to the contrary.

"If we're going to be proved wrong, somebody else is going to come forward, and that usually happens really quickly," he said. "We're into this thing over 90 days and it hasn't happened."

Haggard resigned as president of the National Association of Evangelicals last year after allegations of sexual misconduct surfaced. He was also forced out from the 14,000 New Life Church that he founded years ago in his basement after Jones alleged Haggard paid him for sex and sometimes used methamphetamine when they were together. Haggard, who is married, has publicly admitted to "sexual immorality."

So let me get this straight (ha ha!)--you can see a prostitute for three years, but it doesn't matter, because he was the only guy you ever fucked? So how many men would he have to boink before he was completely gay? Or is it a gradual process of gayification? This shit confuses me.

Here's a better article, one that could have been written by the Reverend Haggard himself.

The Lunatics Who Govern Us

She'd vote for Sam Brownback.

I've heard political science types say that "People get the government they deserve," but I don't ever remember fucking up badly enough to get Sam Brownback as a Senator.

Senator Removes His Block on Federal Court Nominee
By NEIL A. LEWIS

WASHINGTON, Dec. 18 — Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas, who blocked the confirmation of a woman to the federal bench because she attended a same-sex commitment ceremony for the daughter of her long-time neighbors, says he will now allow a vote on the nomination.

Mr. Brownback, a possible contender for the Republican presidential nomination in 2008, said in a recent interview that when the Senate returned in January, he would allow a vote on Janet Neff, a 61-year-old Michigan state judge, who was nominated to a Federal District Court seat.

Mr. Brownback, who has been criticized for blocking the nomination, said he would also no longer press a proposed solution he offered on Dec. 8 that garnered even more criticism: that he would remove his block if Judge Neff agreed to recuse herself from all cases involving same-sex unions.

In an interview last week, Mr. Brownback said that he still believed Judge Neff’s behavior raised serious questions about her impartiality and that he was likely to vote against her. But he said he did not realize his proposal — asking a nominee to agree in advance to remove herself from deciding a whole category of cases — was so unusual as to be possibly unprecedented. Legal scholars said it raised constitutional questions of separation of powers for a senator to demand that a judge commit to behavior on the bench in exchange for a vote.

Mr. Brownback said that he believed Judge Neff’s attendance at the 2002 ceremony merited further investigation, but that he had not meant to set any precedent with his proposal. “It was the last day of the session and I was just trying to provide some accommodation to see if we could make this thing go forward,” he said.

He said that “this is a big hot-button issue” and that Judge Neff had not made it clear that her presence at the ceremony did not mean she could not rule without bias in deciding cases involving same-sex unions. “I’d like to know more factually about what took place,” he said.

Sweet crap.

What a moron. However, if he were just a moron, this story would, sadly, be unremarkable. No, Brownback is a lunatic.

But Jude, I can hear you asking, how do you know?

Well, Jesus told us that "Ye shall know them by their fruits," and Sam Brownback hangs out with some fruit loops of the highest order.

Via Unclaimed Territory, I direct you to the story of the Family. You have got to read that article. I can't find an excerpt that will do it justice. If this shit doesn't frighten you, then you must be one of them. Brownback is a member in good standing, and there's nothing more I can say about that.

The Goddamn Hippies Are Going to Sap and Impurify Our Precious Bodily Fluids

It's not the fluoride, it's the tofu!

Honestly, the right wing religious types are really, really losing it.

A devil food is turning our kids into homosexuals

There's a slow poison out there that's severely damaging our children and threatening to tear apart our culture. The ironic part is, it's a "health food," one of our most popular.

Now, I'm a health-food guy, a fanatic who seldom allows anything into his kitchen unless it's organic. I state my bias here just so you'll know I'm not anti-health food.

The dangerous food I'm speaking of is soy. Soybean products are feminizing, and they're all over the place. You can hardly escape them anymore.

--snip--

Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality. That's why most of the medical (not socio-spiritual) blame for today's rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise in soy formula and other soy products. (Most babies are bottle-fed during some part of their infancy, and one-fourth of them are getting soy milk!) Homosexuals often argue that their homosexuality is inborn because "I can't remember a time when I wasn't homosexual." No, homosexuality is always deviant. But now many of them can truthfully say that they can't remember a time when excess estrogen wasn't influencing them.

Doctors used to hope soy would reduce hot flashes, prevent cancer and heart disease, and save millions in the Third World from starvation. That was before they knew much about long-term soy use. Now we know it's a classic example of a cure that's worse than the disease. For example, if your baby gets colic from cow's milk, do you switch him to soy milk? Don't even think about it. His phytoestrogen level will jump to 20 times normal. If he is a she, brace yourself for watching her reach menarche as young as seven, robbing her of years of childhood. If he is a boy, it's far worse: He may not reach puberty till much later than normal.

Wow.

This douche needs a nice, long rest somewhere.

Link found at TBogg's.

Too much soy makes your penis small and makes you gay? Methinks Mr. Rutz (I'll pass on the gratuitous commentary on his name) hasn't seen many gay guys sans breeches. He might have to reconsider his theory.

Looking For Things You're Not Gonna Find

He'll become a member of NWA first.

Christ. What the fuck is this all about?

Gay and Evangelical, Seeking Acceptance

By NEELA BANERJEE
Published: December 12, 2006

RALEIGH, N.C. — Justin Lee believes that the Virgin birth was real, that there is a heaven and a hell, that salvation comes through Christ alone and that he, the 29-year-old son of Southern Baptists, is an evangelical Christian.

Just as he is certain about the tenets of his faith, Mr. Lee also knows he is gay, that he did not choose it and cannot change it.

To many people, Mr. Lee is a walking contradiction, and most evangelicals and gay people alike consider Christians like him horribly deluded about their faith. “I’ve gotten hate mail from both sides,” said Mr. Lee, who runs gaychristian.net, a Web site with 4,700 registered users that mostly attracts gay evangelicals.

The difficulty some evangelicals have in coping with same-sex attraction was thrown into relief on Sunday when the pastor of a Denver megachurch, the Rev. Paul Barnes, resigned after confessing to having sex with men. Mr. Barnes said he had often cried himself to sleep, begging God to end his attraction to men.

His departure followed by only a few weeks that of the Rev. Ted Haggard, then the president of the National Association of Evangelicals and the pastor of a Colorado Springs megachurch, after a male prostitute said that Mr. Haggard had had a relationship with him for three years.

Though he did not publicly admit to the relationship, in a letter to his congregation, Mr. Haggard said that he was “guilty of sexual immorality” and that he had struggled all his life with impulses he called “repulsive and dark.”

While debates over homosexuality have roiled many Christian and Jewish congregations, gay evangelicals come from a tradition whose leaders have led the fight against greater acceptance of homosexuals.

Gay evangelicals seem to have few paths carved out for them: they can leave religion behind; they can turn to theologically liberal congregations that often differ from the tradition they grew up in; or they can enter programs to try to change their behavior, even their orientation, through prayer and support.

But as gay men and lesbians grapple with their sexuality and an evangelical upbringing they cherish, some have come to accept both. And like other Christians who are trying to broaden the definition of evangelical to include other, though less charged, concerns like the environment and AIDS, gay evangelicals are trying to expand the understanding of evangelical to include them, too.

“A lot of people are freaked out because their only exposure to evangelicalism was a bad one, and a lot ask, ‘Why would you want to be part of a group that doesn’t like you very much?’ ” Mr. Lee said. “But it’s not about membership in groups. It’s about what I believe. Just because some people who believe the same things I do aren’t very loving doesn’t mean I stop believing what I do.”

The most well-known gay evangelical may be the Rev. Mel White, a former seminary professor and ghostwriter for the Rev. Jerry Falwell. Mr. White, who came out publicly in 1993, helped found Soulforce, a group that challenges Christian denominations and other institutions regarding their stance on homosexuality.

But over the last 30 years, rather than push for change, gay evangelicals have mostly created organizations where they are accepted.

Members of Evangelicals Concerned, founded in 1975 by a therapist from New York, Ralph Blair, worship in cities including Denver, New York and Seattle. Web sites have emerged, like Christianlesbians.com and Mr. Lee’s gaychristian.net, whose members include gay people struggling with coming out, those who lead celibate lives and those in relationships.

Justin Cannon, 22, a seminarian who grew up in a conservative Episcopal parish in Michigan, started two Web sites, including an Internet dating site for gay Christians.

“About 90 percent of the profiles say ‘Looking for someone with whom I can share my faith and that it would be a central part of our relationship,’ ” Mr. Cannon said, “so not just a life partner but someone with whom they can connect spiritually.”

But for most evangelicals, gay men and lesbians cannot truly be considered Christian, let alone evangelical.

“If by gay evangelical is meant someone who claims both to abide by the authority of Scripture and to engage in a self-affirming manner in homosexual unions, then the concept gay evangelical is a contradiction,” Robert A. J. Gagnon, associate professor of New Testament at Pittsburgh Theological Seminary, said in an e-mail message.

“Scripture clearly, pervasively, strongly, absolutely and counterculturally opposes all homosexual practice,” Dr. Gagnon said. “I trust that gay evangelicals would argue otherwise, but Christian proponents of homosexual practice have not made their case from Scripture.”

In fact, both sides look to Scripture. The debate is largely over seven passages in the Bible about same-sex couplings. Mr. Gagnon and other traditionalists say those passages unequivocally condemn same-sex couplings.

Those who advocate acceptance of gay people assert that the passages have to do with acts in the context of idolatry, prostitution or violence. The Bible, they argue, says nothing about homosexuality as it is largely understood today as an enduring orientation, or about committed long-term, same-sex relationships.

Evangelicals are the public face of homophobia in America. They elevate the "sin" of homosexuality above pretty much all others (save abortion). You know, irrespective of the fact that, according to other Protestant teachings, sin is sin is sin, and it doesn't matter which sin you commit--they're all an affront to god. Homosexuality (assuming, as most evangelicals do, that such behavior is a sin), according to all the Protestant theology of which I'm aware, is no more distasteful to god than, say, lying. Or murder. Or adultery. But evangelical rhetoric conveniently ignores that, and goes after homosexuals with a deep full-throated zeal.

And these people think they're going to be accepted by most evangelicals? Homophobia (again, along with abortion) is the goddamn sine qua non of political evangelicalism. That's what gets the religious right base all fired up to go vote, and to pray for "proper" judicial appointments, and to open their fuckin' wallets--the deep desire to keep dicks out of asses.

If you spend thirty minutes listening to Christian radio, you are guaranteed to hear something about the Evils of Teh Gay. This shit isn't going to change anytime soon. I'm glad that these individuals are making their stand, but the mountain's gonna come to Mohammed before the bulk of US evangelicals change their mind about homosexuality.

Ah Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!

See the dicktards of Westboro Baptist Church go to a soldier's funeral. See the crowd react to their presence. See fundie douchebags run for their lives:



God Bless America.

One of Those Days

Sigh, indeed. That religious fundamentalists should have such a voice in this country ashames me. They're also living arguments against the theories of Dr. Leon Festinger.

But in dozens of interviews here in southeastern Virginia, a conservative Christian stronghold that is a battleground in races for the House and Senate, many said the episode only reinforced their reasons to vote for their two Republican incumbents in neck-and-neck re-election fights, Representative Thelma Drake and Senator George Allen.

“This is Foley’s lifestyle,” said Ron Gwaltney, a home builder, as he waited with his family outside a Christian rock concert last Thursday in Norfolk. “He tried to keep it quiet from his family and his voters. He is responsible for what he did. He is paying a price for what he did. I am not sure how much farther it needs to go.”

The Democratic Party is “the party that is tolerant of, maybe more so than Republicans, that lifestyle,” Mr. Gwaltney said, referring to homosexuality.

--SNIP--

David Thomas, a father taking his family to the concert, said that he, too, was leaning toward voting Republican and that the scandal only reinforced his conservative Christian convictions. “That is the problem we have in society,” Mr. Thomas said. “Nobody polices anybody. Everybody has a ‘right’ to do whatever.”

Yeah. Wouldn't it be great if, somehow, some way, we could police each other?

Oh wait. That's some Taliban shit.

Funny how the fundamentalists really all have the same agenda, isn't it?

Gay Marriage

Steve Gilliard had this up, and it's too good not to pass along.

10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong (not what you think)...

01) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

02) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

03) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

04) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

05) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

06) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

07) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

08) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

09) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

I should've hung around more tall people. I guess I missed out.

The Stupid Have Lawyers

So, apparently, nine American Idol fans have sued executives at RCA and Sony/BMG. Why, you might ask?

Because they now think that Clay Aiken is gay.

Isn't that like suing Rand McNally for making globes showing you that the world is round?

Here's the story:

LATEST: Nine former fans of AMERICAN IDOL star CLAY AIKEN are forging ahead with threats to sue his record label bosses for false advertising.

The one-time devotees have been shocked by recent US tabloid claims the wholesome pop singer is gay and they've filed a Federal Trade Commission complain against executives at RCA and Sony/BMG, alleging they were duped in marketing and promotional campaigns.

The nine-strong group, listing themselves as "aggrieved consumers" SUSAN J, PATRICIA A, JACQUELYN C, KAREN G, PHYLLIS S, CAROL M, KAREN G, KIM M and LINDA F, hail from all over America.

They allege that employees of RCA, Sony/BMG, and Aiken himself "engaged in collusion to prevent public disclosures they believed might be harmful to their product".

The angry ladies go on to state, "This is tantamount to a manufacturer concealing information about a defective product. Therefore these actions were both unfair and deceptive to consumers."

A spokeswoman for the group says, "As consumers, we feel ripped off. It is obvious now that the private Clay is very different from the manufactured packaged public Clay that was marketed to us."

The group is asking the FTC to investigate the practices of the record companies, to invoke civil penalties where appropriate, and to enjoin the companies from violating the Federal Trade Commission Act.

An FTC suit? A fucking FTC suit? What the fuck? I don't even watch American Idol, and I know that Clay Aiken is gay. And who gives a fuck, anyway?

Oh, lord, a gay person in the entertainment industry? I'm shocked!

Fucking morons.

Oh No! They're Gonna Take Over!

We here at Punch and Jude have decided to start fighting the good fight against the gay gayness that will gay-ify us all if its gaying influence is not checked. Yes, we are allying ourselves with the likes of the radical clerics Donald Wildmon, Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, and aspiring Mullah James Dobson.

It's curtains for you, gay movement. The gay gaying of America is now coming to an end! It's back to closets, painfully repressed homosexuality, furtively stolen glances at those hot swimmers--oh, those swimmers, with their youth and good looks, their impressive, rippling musculature, their--Ah ha! Thought you'd get me, didn't you, gay movement! Well, that's too bad! Because I'm not falling for it.

Well, good citizens of straight America, you'll be happy to know that Texas is, naturally enough, ahead of the curve.

Note to boys in the tiny Spurger, Texas, school district: Put away those high heels and pleated skirts. Instead, wear black boots and Army camouflage to school Wednesday.

A parent's concerns prompted the district 150 miles northeast of Houston to scrap its annual "TWIRP Day" -- when boys dress like girls and girls dress like boys-- in favor of "Camo Day."

TWIRP stands for "The Woman Is Requested to Pay," and for years Spurger schools hosted the day during Homecoming Week to give boys and girls a chance to reverse social roles and let older girls invite boys on dates, open doors and pay for sodas.

Plano-based Liberty Legal Institute issued a news release Tuesday reporting that it "came to the aid of a concerned parent requesting an excused absence for her children on official cross-dressing day in her children's elementary school."

"It is outrageous that a school in a small town in East Texas would encourage their 4-year-olds to be cross-dressers," Liberty Legal Institute attorney Hiram Sasser said in the release.

Tanner T. Hunt Jr., the school district's attorney, called Sasser's statement "inflammatory and misleading." Hunt said the district never planned or conducted a "cross-dressing day."

"They are a tiny little East Texas school district," said Hunt, a Beaumont attorney. "It never occurred to them that anyone could find anything morally reprehensible about TWIRP Day. I mean, they've been having it for years, probably for generations, and it's the first time anybody has complained."

Delana Davies, a 33-year-old mother of three, said she contacted Superintendent Angela Matterson on Tuesday after reading a school notice about "TWIRP Day."

Davies, whose 9-year-old son and 4-year-old daughter attend Spurger Elementary, said she viewed the day not a silly Homecoming Week activity, but as an effort to push a homosexual agenda in a public school.

"It's like experimenting with drugs," said Davies, who also has a 2-year-old daughter. "You just keep playing with it and it becomes customary. ... If it's OK to dress like a girl today, then why is it not OK in the future?"

After speaking with the Liberty attorney, Matterson agreed to exempt Davies' son and older daughter from attending school on Wednesday. However, district officials later decided to scrap "TWIRP Day" altogether and replace it with "Camo Day," where students will wear camouflage clothing.

"I just think it's unfortunate," Hunt said. "It was just never intended to be anything other than just an innocent, fun day for children."

Yeah. Like I'm gonna believe some tool of the liberal nanny state like Mr. Hunt. In addition to being a homo-supportin' user of the public treasury, Mr. Hunt is also a lawyer. And not a right-thinking lawyer, either--not like, say, Instacracker or the Shrieking Harpy Of Wisconsin. I'm also suspicious of him because of his name--Tanner? What the hell kind of name is that for a red-blooded, God-fearin', heterosexual American, anyway? Unless, of course, he's one of them.

So Kudos to you, Mrs. Davies, for noticing this diabolical attempt to push the liberal homosexual agenda in those socialist public schools.

But, of course, we can't stop with TWIRP day. We've got to roll up our sleeves, up over our well-toned forearms, and get to work stamping out this gay menace.

It should come as no surprise that Liberal Hollywood is pushing the gay agenda. But did you know they're pushing it at our children? They are. With cartoons, even.

The Flintstones (in addition to showing a blasphemous non-creationist version of the past), let us recall, admonished us all to "have a gay old time." Not exactly subtle, is it? But, of course, Liberal Hollywood didn't just rest on its laurels there.

They moved into computer-animated cartoons. Yes, it would appear, the "children's" movie Shark Tale, released in October of this year, is actually swimming with homosexuality. As a minion of Mullah Wildmon reminds us,

In developing this allegory, Shark Tale uses all of the familiar Hollywood plot devices, beginning with the son who is "different," and who fails to measure up to the cultural standards of manhood.

Lenny's mannerisms and voice tend toward the effeminate, notes a review by Scott Tobias in The Onion A.V. Club, but that's not the worst of it. For in sharkdom, masculinity is measured by one's proficiency as a meat-eater.

--snip--

The real problem, of course, is that Lenny isn't a meat-eater. In fact, he's a closet vegetarian, and Lenny understands just how unnatural that is for sharks. He's ashamed, and that guilt deepens when he later overhears his father complain, "What's wrong with that kid? Why's he gotta be so different?"

As movie reviewer Dustin Putman notes, Lenny is "a shark afraid to 'come out' as a vegetarian to his mob boss father," and this plot device is "slyly standing in for the experiences many go through in coming to terms with their sexual orientation."

The pressure of his father's disapproval is too much for Lenny, and he runs away. Oscar, who should be his natural prey, becomes his friend.

However, that friendship allows Lenny to open up, and he finally confesses to Oscar that he's "different." He admits: "I'm a vegetarian .... You're the first fish I ever told. I'm so tired of keeping it all a secret. And my dad -- he'll never accept me for who I am! What's wrong with me?"

A 'Cross-Dressing' Shark?
But Lenny is more than just a vegetarian. He turns out to enjoy dressing as a dolphin, an obvious allusion to cross-dressing, as noted in a review of Shark Tale by Ed Park in The Village Voice.

"Lenny flees his old life by disguising himself as a dolphin and indulging his happy side," Levy says, calling it "a barely hidden subtext here about letting your closeted inner self emerge ...."

--snip--

Lino's heart softens, and he tells Lenny, "I love you son, no matter what you eat or how you dress."

Of course, when it comes to kids, this is tricky stuff. The film does not come right out and say that we should all accept homosexuality. And, naturally, children should be taught to be accepting of others.

But as Plugged In's Steven Isaac notes, "Had this movie been released 20 years ago, nobody would have been calling attention to this subject." Two decades ago, accepting differences meant accepting a person who might have a different skin color, or be from a different ethnic background.

Such differences are immutable characteristics, however, and not sexual choices. In this respect, Shark Tale comes far too close to taking a bite out of traditional moral and spiritual beliefs.

And that's probably swimming a bit too close to shore for many parents.

Gasp! Can you believe the gall of those liberal Hollyweird types? Thank goodness that Goodman Wildmon knew enough to use the upstanding movie reviews from America's Finest News Source.

The Music Industry will not escape our scrutiny, either. No, I'm not talking about Britney Spears, or Snoop Diggity Dogg, or even ultra harlot Madonna.

We have to go back farther than that. Hank Williams records need to be gathered and burned. It's true. In his 1951 hit "Jambalaya," right there for all to see, Williams tells us all to "Pick guitar, fill fruit jar, and be gay-o." Come on, people! I guess we can also infer that Williams was asking a man "Hey, good lookin', what you got cookin'," can't we?

I wish we could stop with the liberal public schools, the liberal media, the liberal Hollywood, and the liberal music industry, but we can't.

It turns out we're going to have to get rid of the Bible. It's true. You knew there was always something vaguely communistic about that "turn the other cheek" business, but it's much, much worse than that. In the book of James, in the real part of the Bible (not that non-Jesus part), we find the following injunction:

And ye have respect to him that weareth the gay clothing, and say unto him, Sit thou here in a good place.

I think that our duty is clear. We must, from this time and ever after, work toward the removal of any mention of the Bible in public life, as well as the rejection of all of its tenets. Any book that would encourage us to respect people wearing "gay clothing" (could you get a more obvious reference to cross-dressing?)--and then instruct us to invite those people into our homes--well, we just can't stand for that. America will not stand for this usurpation of its upright heterosexual values by you, Holy Bible. Get thee hence.