Friday, February 09, 2007

Overcoming the Lure of the Penis

Don't get hooked!

Hot on the heels of the dick-smoking, meth-snorting, hooker-humping Reverend Ted Haggard reporting that he's been "cured" of his lust for man-meat, Catherine Fenton wonders if she, too, can be weaned off wieners.
Boy, was I glad to hear that Ted Haggard was pronounced "cured" of his penis penchant after only three weeks of intensive counseling. You have no idea how much hope that gave to this girl. Like many women, I too have struggled to rid myself of the lure of the penis. Now, I don't know if this is just a rumor (you know how the internets can be) but I have heard that Ted is writing a book. It's going to be entitled "How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Pussy." As soon as it's listed on Amazon, I'll be pre-ordering it.

Listen, I've tried everything. I've been on the patch, I've chewed gum, I've tried to keep my hands busy with other things. And sure, those things helped with the cravings, but I always end up backsliding. "Oh, just this one penis," I'd tell myself, "then I'll stop for good." But it's time for me to face facts. A penis is like a potato chip...they're salty, they leave you with heartburn, and you never stop at just one.

I've emailed the National Association of Evangelicals requesting Ted's email address. I told them that I was very impressed with his rehabilitation, and I'd like some tips from him. So far, I haven't received an answer. You can find various email addresses for the NAE here: [1]

I'll bet if they get a lot of requests for Ted's help in curing the desire for penises, they might set up a whole website devoted to it. And hey, they've done some good work with Ted, they should be congratulated for it, so don't forget to send a little praise their way. Just let them know that you've been living a life of sin, but you are ready to give up penises forever, and would like to learn how to love only women, the way Ted has. They don't mind if you're a woman who wants to learn how to be attracted to other women. I'm pretty sure of this, because they all voted for Dick Cheney, whose daughter is a pregnant lesbian and whose wife wrote a steamy lesbian romance. I mean, I didn't ask them, I just assumed it. Well, let's see what they say. I could be wrong about this. I hope I'm not. That would mean that all of the time I've spent trying to cure myself by looking at pictures of hot women on the Entertainment Tonight website were a total waste.

Also, ask them when you will be getting your Ted Haggard autographed "Prayer Helped me to Love Pussy" t-shirt. It has a picture of Ted and a little kitten on it. So, you can also wear it to church, because you know...kittens. Everyone loves a kitten.

Catherine Fenton
New York, NY
Damn, this is funny. We needed something like this for a Friday.

Prayer Helped Me to Love Pussy.

Well, prayer and the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I couldn't do it without His Noodly Appendage. Which is not at all penile. Shame on you for even thinking such a thing.

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