Karma: It's a Bitch

Nelson Muntz--he can't spell "schadenfreude," but he knows it when he sees it.

Looks like Rudolph's not gonna get to sit in the Oval Office after all. Not with friends like Bernard Kerik.

Good. The last thing this country needs is another authoritarian douchebag in the White House. As far as that goes, Giuliani's actually worse than Bush. Bush is an amateur at being authoritarian. "Benito" Giuliani is a pro.

Is Mitt Romney gonna be the last man standing? That would suit me just fine. I've got a better shot at being President than him.

Proud Moments in American History



Sweet fucking Jesus.

Some day, we'll look back at the Nixon presidency and say, "Man, those were the days."

And you thought the Kermit video was bad.

Check out the Rude Pundit's take on the evening.

And, for the record, Nas was right.

Amazonia Comes to MLB

This is an actual screencap from Yahoo this morning:



Hire an editor, jerks.

Oh, and fuck you if you expected a Star Wars joke.

You'll Laugh. Then, You'll Feel Guilty.



Thanks to Errol.

Neat Stuff

Still a kick-ass book

So it seems that the late Cretaceous mass extinction that finished off the dinosaurs did not produce a rapid diversification of mammals to fill all of the newly-opened ecological niches. That's pretty fascinating, and goes against conventional wisdom in paleontology. I think it's great news. However, I do wonder how long it will be before the IDiots and assorted other Creationists point to this study as an example of how "scientists can't agree about evolution."

Why did I put up a picture of the cover of The Dinosaur Heresies? Three reasons--first, it's still, as the caption contends, a kick-ass book. Second, the cover art is also kick-ass. Third, Bakker made a good case for why dinosaurs must have been homeotherms, and included the argument that, if they had all lain around in states of torpor, little mammals would have been nibbling away at them. There's a really cute illustration in the book of some proto-rodents munching on a sauropod's long tail while the dinosaur slumbers. If you haven't read this book, you really should.

Now, from millions of years in the past to millions of miles away--there's more neat shit from Cassini.

And you thought your town had crazy weather.

This hexagon exists at Saturn's north pole. It's bigger than Jupiter's Great Red Spot, and it's been around for at least 26 years--the Voyager probes snapped some photos of it back in the 1980's. There's another strange atmospheric phenomenon at Saturn's south pole.

Does anyone have any good explanations for these atmospheric oddities? No. But they're working on it.

Maybe I'll have more later about the fucked-up misuse of the DOJ, but it's a busy week for me. So, for now, enjoy the mammals and hexagons.

Should've Upgraded to "Deluxe" Missile Defense System

For just an extra $2.5 billion, you could've gotten the waterproofing and the clear coat protectant.

Okay. Now this is fucking stupid.

Rain KO'd Interceptors During Korea Missile Tests (Updated)

Torrential rains wiped out a quarter of the U.S.' intercontinental ballistic missile interceptor silos in Ft. Greely, Alaska last summer -- right when North Korea was preparing to carry out an advanced missile launch, according to documents obtained by the Project On Government Oversight.

"The flooding occurred during a three-week period between the end of June and early July 2006," POGO notes, in a statement. "The flooding damaged 25% of the U.S. interceptor missiles’ launch capability. These silos house the interceptor missiles that would be used to attempt to intercept a missile aimed at the United States. No interceptors were in the flooded silos."

An internal assessment by Boeing, the silos' chief contractor, shows seven flooded interceptor silos, out of the 26 at Ft. Greely. Two silos have more than 62 feet of water; a third has more than 50. Estimated times of repair range from four to 14 months. Boxcar like structures called Silo Interface Vaults (SIVs), adjacent to the interceptor silos, were also flooded, "two of them by as much as 15 feet of water," POGO says. "Three SIVs must have all electronic and mechanical systems replaced. Four other SIVs have partial damage. One SIV was so damaged that it shifted vertically in the ground like a house shifting off its foundation." It's a strange turn of events, considering "an environmental impact study of the facilities at Ft. Greely notes there is 'little rainfall in the region.'"

The "water intrusion... resulted from the confluence of several unanticipated and highly unlikely events," the Missile Defense Agency said in a statement . "In particular, totally unprecedented rainfall created a rapidly rising ground water condition coincident with steps of construction when the SIVs were susceptible to damage. The Missile Defense Agency allocated resources to repair the damage and recover from the event. Furthermore, steps have been taken to prevent recurrences in the future."

POGO blames Boeing for being "at least partly responsible for failing to protect the silos" from the elements. Nevertheless, the watchdog group observes, the company "will most likely still receive an estimated $38 million to repair the silos and a $100 million no-bid contract to build more silos. Boeing would also receive a $7 million award fee added to the contract."

But the larger issue at work here is: What exactly are we getting, for the $9 billion a year we're paying for missile defense? And why can't it take a little (ok, a whole bunch of) rain?

UPDATE: "This isn't the first problem that they had with the missile silos," notes Center for Defense Information missile guru Victoria Samson. "The February 2005 test failure of the GMD [ground midcourse defense] system [at Ft. Greely] was due to faulty silo arms that failed because they weren't able to handle the heavily salty environment in which they were placed, so Boeing had to pull them out and replace them. That's some real quality control work there. This also shows that the whole argument behind spiral development - that you can test and develop at the same time - turns out to be completely wrong."

One thing I kind of miss about the military is the way they can euphemize just about anything. Next time your house gets flooded, call the insurance company and tell them you've had a "water intrusion." Shit, you could probably get the local news to do a feature on you if you used a phrase like that.

So is this missile defense deal anything more than a giant taxpayer giveaway to Boeing? This system has screwed up just about every test, even the ones that were heavily rigged in its favor.

And it ain't cheap, either.

I Wanna Go Back to My Fish and Poi

It was fun while it lasted.

The humuhumunukunukuapua'a, known to haoles as the painted triggerfish, is no longer the official fish of Hawai'i.

This is sad, mostly because it will result in fewer opportunities to say the word "humuhumunukunukuapua'a." How many other 12-syllable words do you know?

Toad of the Apocalypse

Gaze deeply, and see the future!

Here at Punch and Jude, one of our favorite pastimes is predicting the end of the world. So far, we are 0 for 2,363,715 with our predictions, but that doesn't slow us down. No, sir.

Why not, you might ask?

Because, ever and anon, we see new eschatological signs. Like, for example, this toad.

Sweet Jesus, that's a lot of amphibian.

We've talked about the plague of cane toads before. We've also discussed the plague of hypno-toads.

Beware! The End Times are at hand!

Worst Bracket Ever

Good bracket.

Bad bracket.

Worse bracket.

Worst bracket

Hallelujah!

This clip is better than the normal Saturday cartoon, so enjoy it.

Friday Absurdist Cartoon (Sort of)



Eastern Europe's favorite cat and mouse team: Worker and Parasite!

This clip is of one of my most beloved Simpsons bits. I almost cried the first time I saw this, from laughing so hard.

Good News, Everyone!

That's right. Good news!

Go read. Enjoy. And have a good weekend.

To Serve and Protect

Precinct meeting

Check out this video. Some off-duty dickhole from the Chicago Doughnut Squad gets drunk, gets cut off, and then beats on a woman who is, literally, less than half his size.

Sometimes people ask me why I don't trust cops. I point to incidents like this. Or Amadou Diallo, or Sean Bell, or any number of other instances. For those of you who are snooty, educated types--yes, I realize this is a single incident, and that the plural of "anecdote" is not "data."

Bonus, non-confrontational exercise for snooty, educated types--how many sociological phenomena can you spot in this video?

About That Federal Attorney Purge

I get the feeling that Karl Rove is playing Jimmy Conway.



The question is who they're gonna find in the meat truck.

And You Thought This Cocksucker Was Through Wasting Our Money

Black Bart, a.k.a. Kenneth Starr, rides again.

Now, instead of going after the president for getting nookie, he's arguing against children having senses of humor.

Well, let's hope he fails at this, too. What does it take to discredit one of these sons of bitches, anyway?

Beauty on a Sunday

Majestic Saturn

Check out NASA's Cassini photo essay. The world around us can be beautiful beyond reckoning.

Don't Forget to Check under the Couch Cushions!

Oh. So that's where I left my 206 million dollars. How silly of me!

That's right. Mexican authorities seized over $200 million in cash from a home in an "upscale neighborhood" (no shit) in Mexico City.

Meth money. Listen up, dumbass US states--the big crystal meth shipments come from Mexico. Not from Toothless Jim's Toolshed and Lab. So can we please drop the stupid regulations on Sudafed? If it's late and I have a cold, I shouldn't have to drive to a fucking 24-hour pharmacy to get pseudoephedrine so I can goddam breathe again.

In other thoughts, what would it be like to have a king-sized bed made entirely out of cash? It would probably give you back pains in the morning, I think.

I'll have to file that under "problems I wish I had."

Stupid NCAA Tournament

Even this puppy is disappointed in my picks.

Thanks, Xavier. Thanks a lot. I had you picked to upset Ohio State. Why, oh why didn't you try some full-court pressure when you had a three-point lead with nine seconds left on the clock?

It's a good thing I don't wager any money on this shit.

I avoid this place for my own good.

Friday Afternoon Cartoon

'Cause you really weren't gonna get any work done after all.



Here's an animated short from Bruno Bozzetto. I wanted to find a clip of "Mr. Rossi Buys a Car," but I'll be damned if I can locate it. Perhaps one of you loyal readers possessed of superior Google skills can clue me in. Anyway, you probably needed the driving refresher, so enjoy!

Stupid Conservative Shit

No wonder this buffoon is their hero.

Want to see what conservative t-shirts look like?

Sure you do!

Ha ha! This is teh funny!!!11!!

Stupid bastards. I can see why they hate Social Security so much, can't you? I mean, it's only been a wildly successful government program that has drastically reduced the percentage of elderly people in poverty, right?

Elderly poverty in the U.S. decreased dramatically during the twentieth century. Between 1960 and 1995, the official poverty rate of those aged 65 and above fell from 35 percent to 10 percent, and research has documented similarly steep declines dating back to at least 1939. While poverty was once far more prevalent among the elderly than among other age groups, today's elderly have a poverty rate similar to that of working-age adults and much lower than that of children.

Social Security is often mentioned as a likely contributor to the decline in elderly poverty. Enacted in 1935, the Social Security system experienced rapid benefit growth in the post-WWII era. In fact, there is a striking association between the rise in Social Security expenditures per capita and the decline in elderly poverty, as Figure 1 illustrates (with both series scaled to fit on the same figure).

Click here for a larger image.

[A]ssessing the causal effect of Social Security on poverty is difficult. For example, individuals may work and save more when benefits are less generous, so a simple calculation of the increase in poverty that would result from eliminating Social Security income would likely overstate the true effect by ignoring these behavioral responses.

To avoid this problem, the authors construct a measure of Social Security benefits that depends only on the Social Security rules that apply to each birth cohort and not on workers' actual labor market experience. They examine the relationship between this measure and poverty rates for people born between 1880 and 1935. For some of the analysis, the authors focus on a narrower range of birth cohorts, making use of the sharp drop in benefits experienced by the "notch" cohorts of 1917-1921.

The authors estimate that a $1,000 increase in Social Security benefits is associated with a 2 to 3 percentage point reduction in poverty rates for elderly households. They also find no statistically significant effect of benefits on income inequality, suggesting that higher-income and lower-income elderly benefit similarly from increases in Social Security.

Applying this estimate to the change in Social Security benefits between 1967 and 2000 suggests that the increase in benefits can explain all of the 17 percentage point decline in poverty that occurred during this period. The authors also find that higher benefits lead some elderly to live independently rather than with family members, and conclude that the effect of Social Security on poverty would have been even more dramatic in the absence of these changes in living arrangements.

Oh, no, we can't have old folks eating anything but dog food. So let's get rid of that awful, awful Social Security, shall we? Makes sense, right?

Stupid fucking conservatives.

Goodbye, Gonzo

You're gonna get hung out to dry like J. Edgar Hoover's lingerie.

Can't say you'll be missed, though. Check out the story in the Washington Post. No pushing! There's plenty for everyone!

Hard to Believe

Less insane than Phyllis Schlafly

So I have a confession to make.

I occasionally listen to Christian radio stations. It's shameful, I know. But it's fascinating to hear such a completely different perspective sometimes, even if it is anus-clenchingly frightening.

This morning, I heard ancient conservative maven Phyllis Schlafly deliver a short message on the radio.

You can find it here, under "Gloomy Predictions of 'America Alone.'"

This woman speaks to (and for) legions of "conservative Christians" in the US. That alone should keep you up nights. I was tempted to listen to some other clips on her site, but it's early yet, and I don't need to start drinking now.

After you listen, leave a comment or two with your reaction. There's a lot to talk about in this clip. Too much, really.

It's occurred to me that I have yet to swear in this post. I'm losing my fuckin' touch.

Thanks to the Rude Pundit for the linky goodness, too.

Dick Cheney: Nuttier than a Bukkake Video

Image from Cheney's last head x-ray

Sweet mother of fuck. Dick Cheney (who doesn't shrink from shooting a 78-year-old-man in the face, mind you) is fucking crazy. He's as crazy as a rat in a tin shithouse.

Read his remarks before the ever-bellicose AIPAC crowd and tell me what you think.

Oh, and why hasn't he called out Ann Coulter for anti-gay slurs? He did speak at the CPAC the day before she did. He must have heard about what she said. He forget about one of his daughters again?

Phrase of the Day

I'm Bacchus, and I approve this product.

"A greater range of drinking opportunities."

Pre-glassed wine. It's pretty amazing, really. We as humans can use our ingenuity to further some astonishingly lazy ends.

I'm Glad Someone Else Does This

More balanced than Fox "News"

The fine folks at No Quarter direct us to Pottersville, where blogger Jurassicpork has taken a good, long look at Fox "News," and, like anyone else who does so and has at least seven functioning neurons, JP has decided that Roger Ailes & Co. are evil.

They're so evil, scientists are having difficulty correctly placing Fox "News," its creators, and employees on any accepted scale of evil. It might be the case that we need to invent a whole new measurement scheme simply to describe the soulless horrors that have given us this sorry-ass "news" network. If you're looking for a graduate field in which to take up study, there's lots of work to be done here.

Just click through, and be amazed.

Friday Absurdist Cartoon



I really have no idea what the point of this clip is, but the music is certainly pleasant. It's nice to have a little jazz with your absurdist cartoon.

The First Rule of Holes

STOP DIGGING

So it looks like Ann Coulter doesn't know that rule. She took to the Sean Hannity radio show to attempt a defense of her homophobic Edwards slur at the CPAC conference. Hilarity ensues:

COULTER: Right, and I suspect everyone listening to your show knows about that. I mean, I know -- well, I guess Pat is out in America now; you're primarily in New York City. I give a lot of speeches out in America, I frequently visit America, and Americans are pretty freaked out about somebody going to rehab for using a word, and that's of course what I was referring to. And I don't think there's anything offensive about any variation of faggy, faggotry, faggot, fag. It's a schoolyard taunt. It means -- it means wussy. It means, you know, Hillary giving a speech in a fake Southern drawl -- that's faggy. A trial lawyer who weeps before juries is faggy. Lifetime-type TV, faggy. Everyone understood I was not literally calling -- well, I was not calling -- well, for one thing, I wasn't calling John Edwards anything. That was the whole point. I couldn't talk about him, his life's work, his appeasement policies, his wimpiness on foreign policy, because that word is out of bounds. So, in point of fact, I called John Edwards nothing. I said I couldn't even discuss him because using any variation of that totally excellent word would send me into rehab.

Well, I'm convinced, Ann. Now go eat some more fetuses.

Shit, It's Thursday. Let's Laugh.

Those of you from areas of the country that have Krispy Kremes will understand this:

God bless Chris Rock

You'll have to view the image in its own window for full effect.

I found this wonderful image at First Draft.

If you think it's photoshopped, check out the video:

The Best Thing You Will See All Day

Looks like they're gonna get hammered. (Rimshot)

Thanks to the omniscience of Errol, I direct you to the Kegulator.

For those of you in college, this will answer most of the questions you'll have during your stay in higher education.

For the rest of you, this should also help when planning weddings, St. Patrick's Day festivities, family reunions, and the rest of your life.

Enjoy!

Songs for Scooter

Run, Scooter! Don't you hear them bloodhounds?

That version of "The Midnight Special" is by none other than Buckwheat Zydeco. Good stuff.

Big Day at the Prettyman Courthouse

You going to jail, Scooter.

Well, it looks like I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby has been convicted on four of the five counts against him. He was cleared on one count of making false statements to FBI agents, convicted on two counts of perjury, one count of making false statements, and one count of obstruction of justice. The indictment is here (Warning: PDF) if you're interested--he was acquitted on count three.

Appeals to follow, I'm sure.

And we'll see how this affects Dick "Dick" Cheney, who has, completely coincidentally I'm sure, recently sought treatment for some blood-clot type health problems. Nothing to see here...

Somebody Sew This Prick's Mouth Shut

Limbaugh: Still ten pounds of shit in a five pound sack.

Okay, so maybe Ann Coulter wasn't offensive enough with her homophobia. Who could possibly top it? Who, I ask?

Why, none other than the reprehensible junkie Rush "Pilonidal Cyst" Limbaugh.

In case you hadn't heard, Al Sharpton recently found out that one of his forbears was owned as chattel by one of Strom Thurmond's ancestors. So, because there's no wound deep enough that you can't rub an ocean's worth of salt in it, Limbaugh had to add his repugnant two cents:

And now we know that Al Sharpton's relatives were owned by relatives of Strom Thurmond's family out there. So I guess we could say that if, since Obama has -- on his mother's side -- forebears of his mother had slaves, could we not say that if Obama wins the Democratic nomination and then wins the presidency, he will own Al Sharpton?

[...]

LIMBAUGH: The real question is, you know, when it, we end up having to pay reparations for slavery, where's the money for Obama's family going to go? To him?

Again, there really is nothing that these douchebags can say that will get them ostracized from mainstream appearances.

Hey, it's all civil as long as you don't use any naughty words, right?

Here's hoping Steve Gilliard feels better soon, because there's just no one better at dealing with nonsense like this.

In the Event of a Hurricane

Hop on board the SS Newt "Fuckface" Gingrich.

I found this bullshit over at First Draft. Fucking Newt Gingrich--he's another one of those conservative zombies that just won't die. No matter how discredited he is, now matter how many of his public hypocrisies are exposed, he just keeps coming back. But this is just too much.

At the Nuremberg Rally CPAC conference last week, Gingrich had the following to say about the gigantic fuck-up that was Hurricane Katrina:

How can you have the mess we have in New Orleans, and not have had deep investigations of the federal government, the state government, the city government, and the failure of citizenship in the Ninth Ward, where 22,000 people were so uneducated and so unprepared, they literally couldn't get out of the way of a hurricane. (emphasis original)

That's right. Poverty, pork, flawed levee designs, FEMA fuckups and the like are now failures of citizenship. Sweet fucking Christ.

I say we use Newt as a floatation device the next time some of our fellow Americans need it. We wouldn't want Gingrich to fail in his duties as a citizen, would we?

Note that he didn't talk about the "failure of citizenship" of the more affluent, educated residents of Gentilly or Lakeview, which were also inundated. Nor did he talk about the "failure of citizenship" of all the white Republicans along the Mississippi Gulf Coast, who were "so uneducated and unprepared, they literally couldn't get out of the way of a hurricane."

Jesus. At least he wasn't as bad as Ann Coulter. Is there anything these people can say that will cause them to lose their well-paid pundit gigs?

Anyway, since I know you've been sleeping too well at night, take a look at this:

I eat fetuses.

That should haunt you for a while.

Saturday Cartoon



"The Cat Concerto," from 1946. Enjoy the Franz Lizst goodness.

Further Adventures with Conservapedia

Conservapedia math test answer

Conservapedia, which is as funny as it is depressing, tries to show the examples of bias in Wikipedia. Here's the braintrust in action:

1. Wikipedia allows the use of B.C.E. instead of B.C. and C.E. instead of A.D. The dates are based on the birth of Jesus, so why pretend otherwise? Conservapedia is Christian-friendly and exposes the CE deception.
2. The entry for the Renaissance in Wikipedia refuses to give enough credit to Christianity.
3. Polls show that about twice as many Americans identify themselves as "conservative" compared with "liberal", and that ratio has been increasing for two decades.[1] But on Wikipedia, about three times as many editors identify themselves as "liberal" compared with "conservative".[2] That suggests Wikipedia is six times more liberal than the American public.
4. Wikipedia's entry on abortion reads like a brochure for the abortion industry. Wikipedia denies and omits the results of 16 out of 17 statistically significant studies showing increased risk of breast cancer from abortion.[3] Wikipedia's entry also omits the evidence of abortion causing increased premature birth of subsequent children.[4].

I promise I'm not making any of this up. I don't really have the time to comment on the idiocy above--it's stunning in its variety and depth, for true.

Jeremy, I promise that I'm not posting this just to make you tear out your hair.

Friday Absurdist Humor



If you've got about ten minutes, check out Don Hertzfeldt's "Rejected" cartoon. Just make sure your laughter won't disturb any co-workers.

This clip never fails to amuse me.

Missing: A Big Hunk of Earth's Crust

Nope, not in here. Keep looking!

Turns out, and I was just as shocked to hear it as you, that a large piece of the Earth's crust is, uh, missing.

Scientists have discovered a large area thousands of square kilometres in extent in the middle of the Atlantic where the Earth’s crust appears to be missing. Instead, the mantle - the deep interior of the Earth, normally covered by crust many kilometres thick - is exposed on the seafloor, 3000m below the surface.

Marine geologist Dr Chris MacLeod, School of Earth, Ocean and Planetary Sciences said: "This discovery is like an open wound on the surface of the Earth. Was the crust never there? Was it once there but then torn away on huge geological faults? If so, then how and why?"

To answer some of these questions Dr MacLeod with a team of scientists, led by marine geophysicist Professor Roger Searle, Durham University, will travel to the area which lies mid-way between the Cape Verde Islands and the Caribbean.

Where could it be?

My guess is that Dick Cheney stole it. I don't know what he plans to do with it, but you know it's gonna be evil.