Monday, November 22, 2004

Oh No! They're Gonna Take Over!

We here at Punch and Jude have decided to start fighting the good fight against the gay gayness that will gay-ify us all if its gaying influence is not checked. Yes, we are allying ourselves with the likes of the radical clerics Donald Wildmon, Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, and aspiring Mullah James Dobson.

It's curtains for you, gay movement. The gay gaying of America is now coming to an end! It's back to closets, painfully repressed homosexuality, furtively stolen glances at those hot swimmers--oh, those swimmers, with their youth and good looks, their impressive, rippling musculature, their--Ah ha! Thought you'd get me, didn't you, gay movement! Well, that's too bad! Because I'm not falling for it.

Well, good citizens of straight America, you'll be happy to know that Texas is, naturally enough, ahead of the curve.

Note to boys in the tiny Spurger, Texas, school district: Put away those high heels and pleated skirts. Instead, wear black boots and Army camouflage to school Wednesday.

A parent's concerns prompted the district 150 miles northeast of Houston to scrap its annual "TWIRP Day" -- when boys dress like girls and girls dress like boys-- in favor of "Camo Day."

TWIRP stands for "The Woman Is Requested to Pay," and for years Spurger schools hosted the day during Homecoming Week to give boys and girls a chance to reverse social roles and let older girls invite boys on dates, open doors and pay for sodas.

Plano-based Liberty Legal Institute issued a news release Tuesday reporting that it "came to the aid of a concerned parent requesting an excused absence for her children on official cross-dressing day in her children's elementary school."

"It is outrageous that a school in a small town in East Texas would encourage their 4-year-olds to be cross-dressers," Liberty Legal Institute attorney Hiram Sasser said in the release.

Tanner T. Hunt Jr., the school district's attorney, called Sasser's statement "inflammatory and misleading." Hunt said the district never planned or conducted a "cross-dressing day."

"They are a tiny little East Texas school district," said Hunt, a Beaumont attorney. "It never occurred to them that anyone could find anything morally reprehensible about TWIRP Day. I mean, they've been having it for years, probably for generations, and it's the first time anybody has complained."

Delana Davies, a 33-year-old mother of three, said she contacted Superintendent Angela Matterson on Tuesday after reading a school notice about "TWIRP Day."

Davies, whose 9-year-old son and 4-year-old daughter attend Spurger Elementary, said she viewed the day not a silly Homecoming Week activity, but as an effort to push a homosexual agenda in a public school.

"It's like experimenting with drugs," said Davies, who also has a 2-year-old daughter. "You just keep playing with it and it becomes customary. ... If it's OK to dress like a girl today, then why is it not OK in the future?"

After speaking with the Liberty attorney, Matterson agreed to exempt Davies' son and older daughter from attending school on Wednesday. However, district officials later decided to scrap "TWIRP Day" altogether and replace it with "Camo Day," where students will wear camouflage clothing.

"I just think it's unfortunate," Hunt said. "It was just never intended to be anything other than just an innocent, fun day for children."

Yeah. Like I'm gonna believe some tool of the liberal nanny state like Mr. Hunt. In addition to being a homo-supportin' user of the public treasury, Mr. Hunt is also a lawyer. And not a right-thinking lawyer, either--not like, say, Instacracker or the Shrieking Harpy Of Wisconsin. I'm also suspicious of him because of his name--Tanner? What the hell kind of name is that for a red-blooded, God-fearin', heterosexual American, anyway? Unless, of course, he's one of them.

So Kudos to you, Mrs. Davies, for noticing this diabolical attempt to push the liberal homosexual agenda in those socialist public schools.

But, of course, we can't stop with TWIRP day. We've got to roll up our sleeves, up over our well-toned forearms, and get to work stamping out this gay menace.

It should come as no surprise that Liberal Hollywood is pushing the gay agenda. But did you know they're pushing it at our children? They are. With cartoons, even.

The Flintstones (in addition to showing a blasphemous non-creationist version of the past), let us recall, admonished us all to "have a gay old time." Not exactly subtle, is it? But, of course, Liberal Hollywood didn't just rest on its laurels there.

They moved into computer-animated cartoons. Yes, it would appear, the "children's" movie Shark Tale, released in October of this year, is actually swimming with homosexuality. As a minion of Mullah Wildmon reminds us,

In developing this allegory, Shark Tale uses all of the familiar Hollywood plot devices, beginning with the son who is "different," and who fails to measure up to the cultural standards of manhood.

Lenny's mannerisms and voice tend toward the effeminate, notes a review by Scott Tobias in The Onion A.V. Club, but that's not the worst of it. For in sharkdom, masculinity is measured by one's proficiency as a meat-eater.


The real problem, of course, is that Lenny isn't a meat-eater. In fact, he's a closet vegetarian, and Lenny understands just how unnatural that is for sharks. He's ashamed, and that guilt deepens when he later overhears his father complain, "What's wrong with that kid? Why's he gotta be so different?"

As movie reviewer Dustin Putman notes, Lenny is "a shark afraid to 'come out' as a vegetarian to his mob boss father," and this plot device is "slyly standing in for the experiences many go through in coming to terms with their sexual orientation."

The pressure of his father's disapproval is too much for Lenny, and he runs away. Oscar, who should be his natural prey, becomes his friend.

However, that friendship allows Lenny to open up, and he finally confesses to Oscar that he's "different." He admits: "I'm a vegetarian .... You're the first fish I ever told. I'm so tired of keeping it all a secret. And my dad -- he'll never accept me for who I am! What's wrong with me?"

A 'Cross-Dressing' Shark?
But Lenny is more than just a vegetarian. He turns out to enjoy dressing as a dolphin, an obvious allusion to cross-dressing, as noted in a review of Shark Tale by Ed Park in The Village Voice.

"Lenny flees his old life by disguising himself as a dolphin and indulging his happy side," Levy says, calling it "a barely hidden subtext here about letting your closeted inner self emerge ...."


Lino's heart softens, and he tells Lenny, "I love you son, no matter what you eat or how you dress."

Of course, when it comes to kids, this is tricky stuff. The film does not come right out and say that we should all accept homosexuality. And, naturally, children should be taught to be accepting of others.

But as Plugged In's Steven Isaac notes, "Had this movie been released 20 years ago, nobody would have been calling attention to this subject." Two decades ago, accepting differences meant accepting a person who might have a different skin color, or be from a different ethnic background.

Such differences are immutable characteristics, however, and not sexual choices. In this respect, Shark Tale comes far too close to taking a bite out of traditional moral and spiritual beliefs.

And that's probably swimming a bit too close to shore for many parents.

Gasp! Can you believe the gall of those liberal Hollyweird types? Thank goodness that Goodman Wildmon knew enough to use the upstanding movie reviews from America's Finest News Source.

The Music Industry will not escape our scrutiny, either. No, I'm not talking about Britney Spears, or Snoop Diggity Dogg, or even ultra harlot Madonna.

We have to go back farther than that. Hank Williams records need to be gathered and burned. It's true. In his 1951 hit "Jambalaya," right there for all to see, Williams tells us all to "Pick guitar, fill fruit jar, and be gay-o." Come on, people! I guess we can also infer that Williams was asking a man "Hey, good lookin', what you got cookin'," can't we?

I wish we could stop with the liberal public schools, the liberal media, the liberal Hollywood, and the liberal music industry, but we can't.

It turns out we're going to have to get rid of the Bible. It's true. You knew there was always something vaguely communistic about that "turn the other cheek" business, but it's much, much worse than that. In the book of James, in the real part of the Bible (not that non-Jesus part), we find the following injunction:

And ye have respect to him that weareth the gay clothing, and say unto him, Sit thou here in a good place.

I think that our duty is clear. We must, from this time and ever after, work toward the removal of any mention of the Bible in public life, as well as the rejection of all of its tenets. Any book that would encourage us to respect people wearing "gay clothing" (could you get a more obvious reference to cross-dressing?)--and then instruct us to invite those people into our homes--well, we just can't stand for that. America will not stand for this usurpation of its upright heterosexual values by you, Holy Bible. Get thee hence.

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