This Shit Is Hard to Believe

This is Glenn Beck.
He needs that microphone set on fire and rammed up his ass.

Glenn Beck has a show on CNN and a radio talk show. He's made lots of douchebaggy statements before, but he really raised the bar today.

He somehow drew a connection between people who "hate America" and the poor people losing their homes in and around San Diego today. Unlike the delusional religious cockbags, he doesn't even claim that it's some sort of divine retribution. No, he just glories in the loss of others for its own sake.

BECK: Schwarzenegger came out over the weekend and he said the Republicans need to run to the center and they need to grab the center. And the headline -- I looked at it, and I went "OK, OK, what is this? What is this? Oh, it's Schwarzenegger. I'm probably going to disagree with it." And then I started reading it, and I absolutely disagreed with it. He said they need to start talking about health care and education. That's not the way to win.

Let's talk about health care and education? That's not the way to win. That's not the way to win on any front. I'm not even talking about -- the least I care about is winning the election. How about winning the war? How about saving our country? And, you know, it made me think. I want to make this very clear. When I say on the air, and I've said it a lot lately, that we need to come together and we need to get back into the center, we're being pushed on to the edges -- I want you to understand, that is not on policies. I don't mean that we come in the center on policies. We come to the center on principles. We come back to the center of the melting pot, that we're all one America, that just because I disagree with you doesn't mean you hate America, and I love America. We all love America. We just disagree on how we should function, what we should do, big government, small government. It doesn't mean you hate America. I think there is a handful of people who hate America. Unfortunately for them, a lot of them are losing their homes in a forest fire today.

That's a direct quote. What could possibly make someone say such a thing? Is he:

1. deranged,
2. dead inside,
3. just a rotten piece of shit,
4. an accurate representative of the modern Republican Party, or
5. all of the above?
   

You know the correct answer.

Just what do these rotten bastards have to do to get fired?

Found over at First Draft.

Limbaugh: Still Ten Pounds of Shit in a Five-Pound Sack

Rush Limbaugh, undated file photo.

I'd like to meet the estimable (as in, "Guess how much of a douchebag he is") Rush Limbaugh one day.

And kick him square in his shriveled little nuts.

Once again, for the record, this fuckmook avoided going to Vietnam. But he thinks he can talk shit about people who have had their ass in the grass and then criticize the leaders who put them there. Bull. Fucking. Shit.

"Phony soldiers."

Christ, he's a rotten excuse for a human being.

Fuck the Fuckin' Yankees, Part MDCLXVIII

Thanks for being such a class act, Shelley.

Yeah, you're a New York Yankee.

Yeah, the Boston fans always give you shit.

But when a kid asks you for an autograph, just be a man, sign the fucking thing, smile at the kid, and go on with your life. Asshole.

Talk about sore winners.

Griffin Whitman, a 10-year-old Red Sox [team stats] fan from Swampscott, was excited to attend his first Yankees vs. Red Sox game Friday night. The young autograph -collector was even more thrilled to score Yankees outfielder Shelley Duncan’s signature before the game. That is, until Griffin read the message from the 27-year-old rookie: “Red Sox suck! Shelley Duncan.”

“It was cool to get his autograph,” Griffin said. “It didn’t make me feel happy when he wrote that.”

The goddam game hadn't even started yet. Way to ruin a kid's night at the park. You cocksucker. It's only Monday, and you've won Douchebag of the Week.

Further Thoughts on Michael Vick, Douchebag

More on dogfighting

I was thinking a little more about Vick, and I kind of hope he plays for Atlanta this year, but only on a couple of conditions.

1. This guy loves dogs.
2. So does this one.

That is all.

Well, if Ray Lewis Could Beat a Murder Rap, You Never Know

Not this kind of dogfighting.

I know this is an indictment, not a conviction, but damn.

I guess Michael Vick got tired of everyone thinking that Barry Bonds was the biggest jerk in sports. Way to up the ante, douchebag.

One Less Sanctimonious Fuck in the World

So Jerry Falwell has gone to the great beyond.

Can't say that I'll shed any tears.

In lieu of any obituary or eulogy, I think we should give the last word to noted American entrepreneur Larry Flynt.

Click for a larger image.

Yeah, yeah. I'm going to hell. I know that already.

Adios, Douchebag

Even the Chinese are against him.

So Imus got canned. Good. It's actually long since overdue.

However, that alone isn't really post-worthy here at Punch and Jude. Oh, no. You've gotta have the twist.

What did Don Imus (finally) get axed over? Making misogynistic, hateful, racist-ass comments.

So what do the denizens of the right-wing sewers have to say? See for yourself!

To: kellynla

Well, the racist hatemongers won one today.

4 posted on 04/12/2007 2:58:34 PM PDT by TBP

That's right. When you get fired for being a racist hatemonger, that means that the racist hatemongers have won.

God damn, I don't know how their heads keep from exploding.

Heh-Insaney

Glenn Reynolds could use an uppercut like this. It might knock some sense into the stupid bastard.

Glenn Reynolds: What a douchebag.

Whenever you think that Bush followers cannot get any more depraved in what they advocate, they always prove you wrong. This is what University of Tennessee Law Professor and right-wing blogger Glenn Reynolds said today about claims by the administration that Iran is supplying weapons to Iraqi insurgents (claims which, needless to say, he blindly believes):

This has been obvious for a long time anyway, and I don't understand why the Bush Administration has been so slow to respond. Nor do I think that high-profile diplomacy is an appropriate response. We should be responding quietly, killing radical mullahs and iranian atomic scientists, supporting the simmering insurgencies within Iran, putting the mullahs' expat business interests out of business, etc.

Basically, stepping on the Iranians' toes hard enough to make them reconsider their not-so-covert war against us in Iraq. And we should have been doing this since the summer 2003. But as far as I can tell, we've done nothing along these lines.

Just think about how extremist and deranged that is. We are not even at war with Iran. Congress has not declared war or authorized military force against that country. Yet Reynolds thinks that the Bush administration, unilaterally, should send people to murder Iranian scientists and religious leaders -- just pick out whichever ones we don't like and slaughter them. No charges. No trial. No accountability. Just roving death squads deployed and commanded by our Leader, slaughtering whomever he wants dead.

I like the use of "we" in Reynolds' statements. Like that dipshit has ever done anything but sit behind a desk and imagine he's playing fucking Risk. I also like how Greenwald tears him a new one.

And what is it with law professors and insanity? Is there some ritual lobotomization after you get tenure? Someone please explain this to me.

Fucking Wal-Mart

Wal-Mart pharmacist Brent Beams, undated photo.

Christ. Like you didn't have enough reasons to avoid Wal-Mart already.

This month, Tashina Byrd, her boyfriend and her 4-year-old son headed to a Springfield Wal-Mart to pick up some things, including Plan B.

Byrd, 23, of Springfield, and her boyfriend, Brian O’Neill, 37, of Columbus, said a condom broke.

When the pharmacy attendant asked pharmacist Brent Beams about it, "He shook his head and laughed," Byrd said.

The attendant told them the store had Plan B but that nobody would give it to them, the couple said.

They asked for a store manager, who "came over and said, ‘The pharmacist has the law on his side,’ " O’Neill said.

A CVS pharmacist in Springfield later fulfilled the couple’s request, and Byrd took the first of two pills within 12 hours of the contraceptive mishap.

Reached last week at the pharmacy, Beams explained his position: "I believe in preserving life, and I do not believe in ending life, and life begins at conception."

I'm pretty sick of hearing about these poor, put-upon pharmacists who are simply standing up for the things they believe in, and how no one should force them to, you know, do their fucking jobs.

If you want a job where you never have to dispense a prescription with which you disagree, don't fucking become a pharmacist.

It's pretty simple. It's not like you're faced with a choice of either starving to death ('cause a pharmacy job is all that's available) or dealing with serious moral quandaries daily. The median income for a pharmacist in the US is just over $100,000 per year these days. The median personal income for everyone over age 25? Just over $32,000 per year.

So these douchebags can pack sand. Fuck 'em. They don't wanna fill prescriptions? They can make less money. Isn't holy poverty something to which to aspire, anyway? And isn't greed a sin?

Fuck Matt Lauer

Matt Lauer, undated publicity photo.

John Edwards graced the Today show with his presence this morning. And Matt Lauer got to play journalist! Check out the interview (It starts about eight-and-a-half minutes in).

The whole thing is shitty, but, at about 12:25, Lauer asks Edwards to respond to an RNC memo.

What the fuck? Why should he have to address RNC talking points? Why not do a little research and see for yourself whether or not their claims are accurate?

Why not? Oh, that's right.

Because Matt Lauer is a tool.


Updated to fix link and time.

I Was Wrong

Because there's never a shortage of assholery in the world:

This asshole needs to be beaten with a spiked bat.

Found, along with story, at First Draft.

Great Moments in Assholery

Today's Supreme Assholery comes not from Florida, as you've come to expect, but from Texas.

Well, they do say that everything is bigger in Texas, and these are some of the biggest assholes I've ever seen. What happened? Check it out:

Outrage Over Texas College MLK Day Party

Event featured Aunt Jemima, gang apparel, fried chicken, malt liquor

JANUARY 25--Students at a Texas college threw a Martin Luther King Jr. Day party that featured attendees wearing gang apparel and Afro wigs, carrying malt liquor, handguns, and fried chicken, and even one woman dressed as Aunt Jemima. Photos of the January 15 event were discovered on a Facebook.com page by a Tarleton State University sophomore who heads the school's NAACP chapter. A selection of party photos can be found on the following pages. When he discovered the images, Donald Ray Elder told TSG, he sent an e-mail to Tarleton student Jeremy Pelz, on whose Facebook page the photos were placed in a folder titled "MLK." In a reply e-mail, Pelz told Elder that he would rename the folder in which the photos were placed "so it does not bring any disrespect to Mr. King." Pelz noted that the party was started a few years earlier "because one of best friends is black or African American, whichever you deem politically correct, to be his day not to dishonor him." He added, "So I do apologize if you felt any disrespect because none was intended." School officials have launched an investigation into the party and the university's president, Dennis P. McCabe, has denounced the photos as despicable. In a subsequent post, Pelz--who has yanked the party photos from his Facebook page--stated that the party was not meant to be "racist or discriminating."

These are your leaders of tomorrow, folks. Honoring Martin Luther King by rejoicing in racist-ass stereotypes. It's gonna be a great future.

Stupid asshole in need of a beating.

That's right. His t-shirt says "I love Chicken."

And that's all the assholery I can stand today.

Busy Day

So I think I'll just post what may be the most shameful image from the last six years.

Christ. What a douche. Or schmuck, if you prefer.

Our Idiot President

Click on this photo to enlarge it. Sure, it looks like a standard Bush family portrait, and you can say a lot about what a slap in the face this picture is to American ideals.

But check out the President's shoes.

That's right. He's got the Presidential seal on his goddamn boots.

Kee-rist. We've got two more years of dealing with this fake-ass cowboy. That's a long, long time.

Zen Koan of the Day

What is the sound of one hand slapping the shit out of Ann Althouse?

I can't believe this moron is a tenured law professor. Padilla could've been blinking in fucking code? He ain't Jerry Denton, and he's not being put on TV. He was videotaped by the goddamn guards, not by a news crew. It was for internal use, not broadcast. And that shit was in May. May!

Idiot.

If you're unfamiliar with what this is all about, look here.

If you're a normal human, you'll be disgusted by what's going on. If you're Ann Althouse, who is supposed to teach Constitutional Law, you'll come up with excuses for why this unecessary bullshit might possibly be justified, if you squint really hard with one eye closed and turn around clockwise four times on the Winter Solstice.

Well Worth the Time

Ned Ryerson is your enemy.

Go read First Draft's take on the insurance assholes. If that group of douchebags gets its way, the abandonment of New Orleans will be pretty much complete. And then who's next?

More on Fuckface Rush Limbaugh

Rush Limbaugh: Ten pounds of shit in this sack. No matter how you stuff it, it still spills out.

So we mentioned Asshole Rush Limbaugh yesterday, and his comments about Michael J. Fox.

You need to see this asshole in action, mocking another human with a debilitating disease. It'll make you wanna puke. But you need to see it.

The Stupidest Thing You'll See All Day (Barring a Presidential Press Conference)

Compared to the stupidity you're about to read, trying to sail around the world in this would be Einsteinian genius.

In today's LA Times, courtesy of acknowledged moron Jonah Goldberg, we get this:

We know now that invading Iraq was the wrong decision, but that doesn't vindicate the antiwar crowd.

You know I didn't make that up, because I don't have the time or the energy for shit like that.

I'm sure he thought he was being clever when he wrote that.

It's not buried in the column. Oh, no. That's the subheader. He was proud of that puppy.

What could you say that would approach that level of stupidity?

How about "We know now that smoking causes cancer, but that doesn't vindicate the people who told you not to smoke," for starters? Not stupid enough? You're right.

Maybe "We know now that repeatedly punching yourself in the balls causes incredible pain, but that doesn't vindicate the people who told you to put down the brass knuckles."

Nope, still not stupid enough. I guess I'll go read an Ann Coulter book while listening to Rush Limbaugh on the radio and watching Sean Hannity on TV. While pounding a fifth of Wild Turkey.
Perhaps then I'll be up to the challenge.

Mr. Bush Is Mr. Pink

Did you know that your President, born into wealth, a millionaire many times over, is one cheap son of a bitch?

Only Lou Mitchell's owners and invited business leaders knew the president was coming for his cup of Joe Friday morning. Sitting next to him was business leader Irene Rosenfeld.

"He talked a lot about his agenda and how we might be able to help him. We felt privileged to be there," she said.

But now the president has moved on. For a 23-year Lou Mitchell's veteran, Sheri Wassberg, it was just another day, and the president was just another customer who only ordered coffee and juice.

"We've waited on different movie actors and actresses," Sheri said.

When asked if he wasn't all that special, Sheri laughed.

"Well, he's the president, but, yes," she replied.

She might feel differently if only he had left her a tip. In the president's defense, someone, maybe one of the invited business leaders, left a few bucks on the table.

I found this gem at First Draft.

Does it remind you of anything? Reservoir Dogs, perhaps?

NICE GUY EDDIE
Okay, everybody cough up green for the little lady.

Everybody whips out a buck, and throws it on the table.
Everybody, that is, except Mr. Pink.

NICE GUY EDDIE
C'mon, throw in a buck.

MR. PINK
Uh-uh. I don't tip.

NICE GUY EDDIE
Whaddaya mean you don't tip?

MR. PINK
I don't believe in it.

NICE GUY EDDIE
You don't believe in tipping?

MR. BLONDE
(laughing)
I love this kid, he's a madman, this guy.

MR. WHITE
Do you have any idea what these ladies make? They make shit.

MR. PINK
Don't give me that. She don't make enough money, she can quit.

Everybody laughs.

NICE GUY EDDIE
I don't even know a Jew who'd have the balls to say that. So let's get this straight. You never ever tip?

MR. PINK
I don't tip because society says I gotta. I tip when somebody deserves a tip. When somebody really puts forth an effort, they deserve a little something extra. But this tipping automatically, that shit's for the birds. As far as I'm concerned, they're just doin their job.

MR. BLUE
Our girl was nice.

MR. PINK
Our girl was okay. She didn't do anything special.

MR. BLONDE
What's something special, take ya in the kitchen and suck your dick?

They all laugh.

NICE GUY EDDIE
I'd go over twelve percent for that.

MR. PINK
Look, I ordered coffee. Now we've been here a long fuckin time, and she's only filled my cup three times. When I order coffee, I want it filled six times.

MR. BLONDE
What if she's too busy?

MR. PINK
The words "too busy" shouldn't be in a waitress's vocabulary.

NICE GUY EDDIE
Excuse me, Mr. White, but the last thing you need is another cup of coffee.

They all laugh.

MR. PINK
These ladies aren't starvin to death. They make minimum wage. When I worked for minimum wage, I wasn't lucky enough to have a job that society deemed tipworthy.

NICE GUY EDDIE
Ahh, now we're getting down to it. It's not just that he's a cheap bastard--

MR. ORANGE
--It is that too--

NICE GUY EDDIE
--It is that too. But it's also he couldn't get a waiter job. You talk like a pissed off dishwasher: "Fuck those cunts and their fucking tips."

MR. BLONDE
So you don't care that they're counting on your tip to live?

Mr. Pink rubs two of his fingers together.

MR. PINK
Do you know what this is? It's the world's smallest violin, playing just for the waitresses.

MR. BLONDE
You don't have any idea what you're talking about. These people bust their ass. This
is a hard job.

MR. PINK
So's working at McDonald's, but you don't feel the need to tip them. They're servin ya food, you should tip em. But no, society says tip these guys over here, but not those guys over there. That's bullshit.

MR. ORANGE
They work harder than the kids at McDonald's.

MR. PINK
Oh yeah, I don't see them cleaning fryers.

MR. BROWN
These people are taxed on the tips they make. When you stiff 'em, you cost them money.

MR. WHITE
Waitressing is the number one occupation for female non-college graduates in this country. It's the one jab basically any woman can get, and make a living on. The reason is because of tips.

MR. PINK
Fuck all that.

They all laugh.

MR. PINK
Hey, I'm very sorry that the government taxes their tips. That's fucked up. But that ain't my fault. it would appear that waitresses are just one of the many groups the government fucks in the ass on a regular basis. You show me a paper says the government shouldn't do that, I'll sign it. Put it to a vote, I'll vote for it. But what I won't do is play ball. And this non-college bullshit you're telling me, I got two words for that: "Learn to fuckin type." Cause if you're expecting me to help out
with the rent, you're in for a big fuckin surprise.

MR. ORANGE
He's convinced me. Give me my dollar back.

Everybody laughs. Joe's comes back to the table.

JOE
Okay ramblers, let's get to rambling. Wait a minute, who didn't throw in?

MR. ORANGE
Mr. Pink.

JOE
(to Mr. Orange)
Mr. Pink?
(to Mr. Pink)
Why?

MR. ORANGE
He don't tip.

JOE
(to Mr. Orange)
He don't tip?
(to Mr. Pink)
You don't tip? Why?

MR. ORANGE
He don't believe in it.

JOE
(to Mr. Orange)
He don't believe in it?
(to Mr. Pink)
You don't believe in it?

MR. ORANGE
Nope.

JOE
(to Mr. Orange)
Shut up!
(to Mr. Pink)
Cough up the buck, ya cheap bastard, I paid for your goddamn breakfast.

I guess Bush needs Joe to come by and explain shit to him.

Cough up, ya cheap President

Let's Mock Donald Rumsfeld

I was thinking about Rummy today, and that just makes me mad. He's such a tool. I mean, he's enamored of the "Revolution in Military Affairs," which is a desk nerd's wet dream--it ignores the reality of warfare, and proposes high-tech (and very expensive, contractor-friendly) solutions when what the military needs is more goddamn grunts. He's said dumb shit like "You go to war with the army you have. They're not the Army you might want or wish to have at a later time." He also knew where Saddam's weapons of mass destruction were before the war: "We know where they are. They're in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat." You know, that area includes the entire earth.

So, instead of getting mad, I'm just going to make fun of him today. With pictures. Some real, some altered. They're all funny.

Ahh, the good old days.

Old friends.

Here's Rummy with some recruits for his fantasy army:

See? What a tool. Flexing with Captain America.

Who knew the RMA included the Super Soldier formula?

Unfortunately for Rummy, that's not Spider-Man.

It's Spider-Hitler! Noooooooo!

But never fear. Rummy has nothing to worry about from Spider-Hitler.

He will destroy him with his Cobra Style. Rummy is a Shaolin monk, fool! This ain't Channel 5, bitches!

Rumsfeld's not one-dimensional, though.

Check out DJ Rummy on the wheels of steel.

Finally, we note that, despite his busy days of wrecking the military and alienating the world, it's heartwarming to note that Rummy finds time for love.

This goddamn picture always makes me laugh.

I hope you've all enjoyed this. Could you spot the altered photos? Ha! Gotcha! They're all 100% real. I swear.

Oh, and Image Shack? You kick ass.