Mr. Bush Is Mr. Pink

Did you know that your President, born into wealth, a millionaire many times over, is one cheap son of a bitch?

Only Lou Mitchell's owners and invited business leaders knew the president was coming for his cup of Joe Friday morning. Sitting next to him was business leader Irene Rosenfeld.

"He talked a lot about his agenda and how we might be able to help him. We felt privileged to be there," she said.

But now the president has moved on. For a 23-year Lou Mitchell's veteran, Sheri Wassberg, it was just another day, and the president was just another customer who only ordered coffee and juice.

"We've waited on different movie actors and actresses," Sheri said.

When asked if he wasn't all that special, Sheri laughed.

"Well, he's the president, but, yes," she replied.

She might feel differently if only he had left her a tip. In the president's defense, someone, maybe one of the invited business leaders, left a few bucks on the table.

I found this gem at First Draft.

Does it remind you of anything? Reservoir Dogs, perhaps?

NICE GUY EDDIE
Okay, everybody cough up green for the little lady.

Everybody whips out a buck, and throws it on the table.
Everybody, that is, except Mr. Pink.

NICE GUY EDDIE
C'mon, throw in a buck.

MR. PINK
Uh-uh. I don't tip.

NICE GUY EDDIE
Whaddaya mean you don't tip?

MR. PINK
I don't believe in it.

NICE GUY EDDIE
You don't believe in tipping?

MR. BLONDE
(laughing)
I love this kid, he's a madman, this guy.

MR. WHITE
Do you have any idea what these ladies make? They make shit.

MR. PINK
Don't give me that. She don't make enough money, she can quit.

Everybody laughs.

NICE GUY EDDIE
I don't even know a Jew who'd have the balls to say that. So let's get this straight. You never ever tip?

MR. PINK
I don't tip because society says I gotta. I tip when somebody deserves a tip. When somebody really puts forth an effort, they deserve a little something extra. But this tipping automatically, that shit's for the birds. As far as I'm concerned, they're just doin their job.

MR. BLUE
Our girl was nice.

MR. PINK
Our girl was okay. She didn't do anything special.

MR. BLONDE
What's something special, take ya in the kitchen and suck your dick?

They all laugh.

NICE GUY EDDIE
I'd go over twelve percent for that.

MR. PINK
Look, I ordered coffee. Now we've been here a long fuckin time, and she's only filled my cup three times. When I order coffee, I want it filled six times.

MR. BLONDE
What if she's too busy?

MR. PINK
The words "too busy" shouldn't be in a waitress's vocabulary.

NICE GUY EDDIE
Excuse me, Mr. White, but the last thing you need is another cup of coffee.

They all laugh.

MR. PINK
These ladies aren't starvin to death. They make minimum wage. When I worked for minimum wage, I wasn't lucky enough to have a job that society deemed tipworthy.

NICE GUY EDDIE
Ahh, now we're getting down to it. It's not just that he's a cheap bastard--

MR. ORANGE
--It is that too--

NICE GUY EDDIE
--It is that too. But it's also he couldn't get a waiter job. You talk like a pissed off dishwasher: "Fuck those cunts and their fucking tips."

MR. BLONDE
So you don't care that they're counting on your tip to live?

Mr. Pink rubs two of his fingers together.

MR. PINK
Do you know what this is? It's the world's smallest violin, playing just for the waitresses.

MR. BLONDE
You don't have any idea what you're talking about. These people bust their ass. This
is a hard job.

MR. PINK
So's working at McDonald's, but you don't feel the need to tip them. They're servin ya food, you should tip em. But no, society says tip these guys over here, but not those guys over there. That's bullshit.

MR. ORANGE
They work harder than the kids at McDonald's.

MR. PINK
Oh yeah, I don't see them cleaning fryers.

MR. BROWN
These people are taxed on the tips they make. When you stiff 'em, you cost them money.

MR. WHITE
Waitressing is the number one occupation for female non-college graduates in this country. It's the one jab basically any woman can get, and make a living on. The reason is because of tips.

MR. PINK
Fuck all that.

They all laugh.

MR. PINK
Hey, I'm very sorry that the government taxes their tips. That's fucked up. But that ain't my fault. it would appear that waitresses are just one of the many groups the government fucks in the ass on a regular basis. You show me a paper says the government shouldn't do that, I'll sign it. Put it to a vote, I'll vote for it. But what I won't do is play ball. And this non-college bullshit you're telling me, I got two words for that: "Learn to fuckin type." Cause if you're expecting me to help out
with the rent, you're in for a big fuckin surprise.

MR. ORANGE
He's convinced me. Give me my dollar back.

Everybody laughs. Joe's comes back to the table.

JOE
Okay ramblers, let's get to rambling. Wait a minute, who didn't throw in?

MR. ORANGE
Mr. Pink.

JOE
(to Mr. Orange)
Mr. Pink?
(to Mr. Pink)
Why?

MR. ORANGE
He don't tip.

JOE
(to Mr. Orange)
He don't tip?
(to Mr. Pink)
You don't tip? Why?

MR. ORANGE
He don't believe in it.

JOE
(to Mr. Orange)
He don't believe in it?
(to Mr. Pink)
You don't believe in it?

MR. ORANGE
Nope.

JOE
(to Mr. Orange)
Shut up!
(to Mr. Pink)
Cough up the buck, ya cheap bastard, I paid for your goddamn breakfast.

I guess Bush needs Joe to come by and explain shit to him.

Cough up, ya cheap President