This Is Very Bad

Benazir Bhutto, 1953-2007

A suicide attacker killed Benazir Bhutto after a political rally today.

This is bad. One of the last things needed in Pakistan right now is an even-more-pissed-off citizenry. Stay tuned.

Take Cover

Trust me on this one.

Big news today. Not that you'd know if you looked at, say, the Today show. More breaking news about the ten-year-old death of Princess Diana! More on the missing British child! A nude photoshoot at Miami Beach! And so on.

No, no. The Israeli PM is talking about the division of Jerusalem as a step toward a Levantine peace agreement. It's kind of a half-assed division, but that won't stop the nuts in America from screaming about traitors and dhimmis and all the other cliches they love to bleat about from their secure remove on this side of the Atlantic.

And the Pammycakes explosion will commence in 5, 4, 3,...

Play the Last Post

Frontal assault, Gallipoli, 1915.

It's Anzac Day.

I wrote about this day last year, and, due to my workload today, I simply refer you back to that post.

Fond Farewells

Farewell to thee.

David Halberstam, reporter and author, died in an automobile crash yesterday out in California.

Boris Yeltsin, the first-ever elected Russian leader, also died yesterday.

Unrelatedly, Stolichnaya stock plummeted in trading today.

More Good Fucking News

We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when.

While our government was fucking around in Iraq, this guy

A sane, reasonable man.

Got one of these:

Ha ha ha! Invade me now, motherfuckers!

God damn, I'm glad the Responsible Adults are in charge of shit. Aren't you?

Consequences

What, you thought you could get away with being a lapdog forever?

Tony Blair will be resigning in a little less than a year. Why? Well, the article cites some domestic scandals, but Blair has taken big hits in his popularity because, well, he's been George Bush's bitch with respect to the giant shit sandwich that is Iraq.

Blair's just lucky that the Tories are a rump party, and that there's really no alternative to Labour in national elections. Otherwise, he might face a Kissingerian future.

Slow-Motion Suicide

It continues in the Levant.

I get the feeling that this can only end badly for the Israeli state, and this is where a familiarity with history comes in handy.

The Kingdom of Jerusalem existed for 88 years, from the conquest of that city by the knights and footmen of the First Crusade to its reconquest by the forces under Salah al-Din. The Franks took the city in June 1099. Saladin entered in October 1187.

During most of the 88 years when the Latin Christians held the kingdom, they faced many disunited foes--the Seljuk Turks, the Fatimids in Egypt, the Sultan of Baghdad, Kerbogha of Mosul, and a host of others. The internecine squabbles of the various emirs, maliks, shahs, and sultans prevented them from inflicting any decisive victory on the Crusader states.

Then came the Light of the Faith and his successor. Nur ed-Din managed to subdue most of the Muslim principalities surrounding Palestine. However, he died before he could march on al-Quds.

Enter Salah al-Din. Of all the Muslims that westerners faced throughout the long, long history of Crusading, Salah al-Din was the only one who was celebrated by the Franks--so much so that he was given a latinized name: Saladin. Saladin completely unified the territories surrounding the Crusader states, and finally reconquered the holy city. He was as merciful to most conquered cities as the Franks had been cruel.

The Horns of Hattin

The crucial day in the entire history of the Latin Kingdom of Jerusalem was not the day Salah al-Din entered the city. It was three months earlier--3 July 1187. The battle at the Horns of Hattin was fought on that day. On that day, Salah al-Din crushed the entire Frankish army. Jerusalem was his for the taking after that, even if it required a few more months.

The lesson to take away from this is as follows: The Crusaders lost their kingdom in one day. Just one. Despite all of the humiliating defeats inflicted on the Muslims in the previous 88 years, the Kingdom of Jerusalem could not withstand one major strategic defeat.

The state of Israel is in much the same position. Despite the victories of 1948, 1967, and 1973, they only need to lose one big battle, and the viability of that state will no longer be a question.

And they will lose a big battle some day. Hell, it was a near thing in 1973. It took 88 years for the Muslims to find a unified response to the franj. Time, though, was on their side. It is again.

There can be no military solution from the Israelis that will result in complete security. And bombing the shit out of neighborhoods, airports, and electricity generating plants does nothing to advance that state's long-term security. This conclusion is as obvious as it is ignored.

If you want to learn more about the Middle East, check out Juan Cole. That guy's wicked smart.

Have a Coke and an AK-47

Coca-Cola opened a bottling company in Mogadishu, Somalia a couple of years ago. Yes, Mogadishu. The same Mogadishu where about 140 people were killed in a two-day battle that ended yesterday.

'Cause there's money to be made.

Somalia is one of those well and truly fucked places in the world. And, maddeningly, there doesn't seem to be anything anyone can do about it. Oddly, Somalia has one of the best and cheapest cellular phone services in all of Africa. Well, maybe not so oddly, since that's how all the various clan militias handle their comms.

Anyway, I was reading the NYT article, and one name leapt out at me: Mohammed Hassan Awale.

MOGADISHU, Somalia — When a Coca-Cola bottling plant opened here two years ago, the 400-plus investors invited to finance the project were carefully chosen by clan.

There were Abgal investors and Habar Gedir investors, and representatives of other clans around Somalia as well. All kicked in a minimum of $300 to help start the United Bottling Company, Somalia’s only Coca-Cola maker. It was a deliberate effort to create a feeling of communal ownership for the factory in a place where clan-based conflict has long been the rule.

It was a bold business venture, building a sparkling, $8.3 million facility in such a tumultuous capital. The thinking was that Somalia had huge business potential and that the anarchy that erupted after its last government collapsed in 1991 would give way to economic recovery.

But Somalia is a difficult place to read, and now, two years after the plant went up, the Coke brand faces a much changed business environment, one with both opportunity and peril. Islamic militias took over the capital in June and brought stability to the city, so much so that the Coke bottler here predicts its sky-high security costs will soon plummet.

“Before, we had gunmen accompanying our distributors,” Mohammed Hassan Awale, the sales manager and acting general manager of the plant, said in an interview. “Now, no guns are needed.”

Now, I'm not sure, but it's probable that this man is the same Mohammed Hassan Awale who was Mohammed Farah Aidid's principal adviser and "foreign minister" in 1993.

If it's the same guy, he was one of the targets of the 3 October 1993 raid in which 18 US troops were killed. The events of that day and night provided the basis for the book and movie Black Hawk Down. That Awale was a high-ranking Habr Gidr clan member, and would rate a job like general manager of a multimillion dollar investment.

Now, if it's the same guy, what the hell? Thanks, Coca-Cola, for pissing all over the graves of the 160th SOAR, Rangers, & Delta guys, and of the 500 to 1000 Somalis killed that day.

I know that Somalia needs jobs and stability. Badly. And I suppose it's inevitable that powerful Habr Gidr men will benefit, should those investments ever come. But it still makes me sad.

Oh, and if you've seen Hotel Rwanda, you can't really understand what happened in Kigali without understanding what happened in Mogadishu. Just saying.

This Might Be a Bad Idea

I suppose the pre-emption genie is out of the bottle for good now.

Japanese officials also said Monday that negotiations may not be enough, using rhetoric unprecedented in the country that adopted a pacifist constitution after its defeat in World War II.

"If we accept that there is no other option to prevent an attack ... there is the view that attacking the launch base of the guided missiles is within the constitutional right of self-defense. We need to deepen discussion," Japan's Chief Cabinet Secretary Shinzo Abe said.

"It's irresponsible to do nothing when we know North Korea could riddle us with missiles," echoed Tsutomu Takebe, secretary general of the ruling Liberal Democratic Party. "We should consider measures, including legal changes" required for such an attack, he said.

Japan's constitution foreswears the use of war to settle international disputes, but the government has interpreted that to allow defensive forces. The question is whether such a pre-emptive strike could be defined as self-defense.

Even if Japan resolves the constitutionality issue, its military capability to launch such a strike is another issue. The Defense Agency has said Japan does not own weapons such as ballistic missiles that could reach North Korea, only defensive ground-to-air and ground-to-vessel missiles.

The Japanese were big into pre-emptive attacks, once upon a time.

For instance, in China.

And in Hawaii.

Executing a prisoner for sport.

These were Korean resistance fighters.

Yeah. This might be a very, very bad idea. The rest of Asia would be, to put it mildly, pissed.

But hey, you might finally get the two Koreas reunited. The Chinese would go absolutely batshit if Japan launched a strike on North Korea. Not just because Beijing is the closest thing Pyongyang has to an ally. No, because the Japanese did things in China in the 1930's and 1940's that you can't begin to imagine. Read Iris Chang's The Rape of Nanking if you want a hint. No one in East Asia has forgotten the Greater East Asia Co-Prosperity Sphere. The Japanese act like none of what they did ever happened. Torture, murder, rape, extortion, and experimentation on prisoners (with chemical and biological weapons, as well).

Look all that shit up if you don't believe me. It's out there.

This would be a massively destabilizing strike, to put it mildly.

Campaign Promise Kept

That's right, Bush kept one of his campaign promises. He's a uniter, not a divider.

Wary of U.S., Syria and Iran Strengthen Ties

For a long time, the top-selling poster in Hassan al-Sheikh's gift shop here showed President Bashar al-Assad of Syria seated beside the leader of Hezbollah in Lebanon. A few weeks ago a slightly different poster overtook it, this one with the Syrian president, the Hezbollah leader and Iran's president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

A poster in Syria, with President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran, left, President Bashar al-Assad of Syria and Hassan Nasrallah of Hezbollah.

Mr. Sheikh's shop is on a bustling street in Sayeda Zeinab beside the entrance to a Shiite shrine that shares a name with the town, and both have been packed with Iranian pilgrims, many more than in years past.

Those changes illustrate what may well be a worrying phenomenon for Washington as it seeks to contain Iran and isolate Syria: the two governments, and their people, are tightening relations on several fronts as power in the region shifts away from the once dominant Sunni to Shiites, led by Iran.

This is, in part, the result of the American installation of a Shiite-dominated government in Iraq after the overthrow of Saddam Hussein and his Sunni-led government. But it is also spurred by the growing belief in Arab capitals that the Bush administration may soon negotiate a deal with Tehran over Iraq and nuclear weapons.

Arab governments once hostile to Iran have begun to soften their public posture after decades of animosity toward Tehran. President Hosni Mubarak of Egypt met Iran's national security chief, Ali Larijani, in Cairo recently, and Saudi Arabia's foreign minister, Prince Saud al-Faisal, visited Tehran this month and declared the two nations to be good friends. In addition, Iranian officials recently sent messages of friendship to every Persian Gulf state.

Amid all that activity, Syria has managed to inflate its power in the region by playing a subtle double game and setting itself up as a possible go-between.

On one hand, it is offering Iran the chance to develop a strong and unified crescent of influence extending from Syria to the Palestinian territories, now led by Hamas, a Syrian and Iranian ally. On the other, Syria, which has a secular-oriented government but is made up of different religious sects and ethnic groups, has held itself out as an important player in the Sunni effort to limit the spread of Shiite influence. That has helped it with Arab countries and has attracted investment from the around the gulf, diplomats and political analysts in Syria said.

"Syria will work to use its role as a pivotal point to get the most from both the Arabs and Iranians," said Ayman Abdel Nour, a political analyst and Baath Party member who works for more political freedoms.

Syria's strategy has helped it win crucial support at a time when it is cut off from the United States and Europe. But political analysts and government officials say it is also a risky strategy, one that could weaken Syria if Iran cuts a deal with the West over its nuclear program — and abandons its ally in Damascus.

"Syrian officials are worried about America making a deal with Iran," said Marwan Kabalan, a political science professor at Damascus University. "Syrians fear that Iranians will use them as a card to buy something from America."

At the same time, Iran's efforts to bolster Shiism in parts of Syria come as the government here is confronted by the rise of radical Islamic ideas that many say are being exported from the gulf region. Though relations with Iran are widely perceived as a political alliance rather than a religious one, the confluence of the two forces could aggravate sectarian rivalries. Tensions among Syria's many religious and ethic groups burn so hot beneath the surface of the society that newspapers are forbidden from identifying sects even when reporting on Iraq.

Syria and Iran began establishing closer ties decades ago, but the real strides have been recent.

Syria has signed expanded military and economic agreements with Tehran covering everything from telecommunications projects to higher education. Syria will buy missiles from Iran. Iran will build cement and car plants in Syria.

At the same time, Arab nations that have been cool to Syria are now reaching out to it. Syria received the king of Bahrain this month, he met Thursday with Mr. Mubarak, and this week President Assad held a telephone conference with King Abdullah II of Jordan. Relations between Amman and Damascus became strained when Jordanian officials accused Syria of allowing Hamas to smuggle weapons across Syrian territory and into Jordan — charges Syria has denied.

"Iran injected Syria with a lot of confidence: stand up, show defiance," said Sami Moubayed, a political analyst and writer in Damascus. "Iran is giving them advice. This is certain."

European diplomats here said that Syria's turn away from the West — and toward Iran and other Eastern countries — had also been part of a domestic power struggle between two forces within the government. Those who favored at least trying to keep a foot in the door with Europe have been silenced, and those seeking to shift Syria toward the East have been empowered, said the diplomats who spoke on the condition of anonymity to avoid aggravating tensions between their governments and Damascus.

I'm not sure that's what he meant, though.

Oh, well. That's as good as he's done with any of them, I suppose.

The Culture of Life

Yes, here in America, certain people like to crow about the Culture of Life. Life is precious, don't you know. I mean, unless that life is adult. Or is a batshit-insane guy to whom a jury "only" handed a life without parole sentence (Oh, and since when is it okay for the President to piss all over a jury's decision, anyway?).

Well, yet again, we see that rhetoric is more important than results. A recently-released report by Save the Children notes that, of industrialized countries, the United States has the next-to-worst infant mortality rate. Who'd we squeak by ahead of?

Latvia.

That's right. Latvia.

Would someone please explain to me how my country could ever possibly be compared to Latvia? Jesus! Latvia! America is possessed of vast natural resources, a powerful economy, and a nominally stable political system. Here in the US, we have no fear of invasion by powerful neighbors, and the mainland has been untouched by the ravages of warfare for almost two centuries. This country is rich, rich, rich. People here have more shit than anywhere else I've ever seen. Latvia, on the other hand, is a tiny country that has been devastated by war twice in the last 100 years, and, for just over fifty years, had to deal with the inept, corrupt, and occasionally brutal governance imposed by the USSR after World War Two.

Our per capita GDP is three times that of Latvia's. In just about every conceivable measure, the US, thanks to history, geography, and no small amount of luck, is far ahead of tiny Latvia.

Yet we're very nearly tied with respect to infant mortality. Can anyone explain why this situation should exist? I'm kind of at a loss here.

The US tied in infant mortality with Poland, Slovakia, Hungary, and Malta.

I guess you can tell that the Save the Children folks are a little generous with their definition of "industrialized." Yet we still came in near the bottom.

Ahh, May-December Romance

Well, May to December a decade from now.

KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia - A 33-year-old man in northern Malaysia has married a 104-year-old woman, saying mutual respect and friendship had turned to love, a news report said Tuesday.

It was Muhamad Noor Che Musa's first marriage and his wife's 21st, according to The Star newspaper which cited a report in the Malay-language Harian Metro tabloid.

Muhamad, an ex-army serviceman said he found peace and a sense of belonging after meeting Wook Kundor, whom he said he initially sympathized with because she was childless, old and alone, the report said.

"I am not after her money, as she is poor," Muhamad reportedly said. "Before meeting Wook, I never stayed in one place for long."

He said he hoped to help his new bride to master Roman script while she taught him Islamic religious knowledge.

The report did not say if any of Wook's previous 20 husbands are still alive.

You get that? Twenty previous husbands.

I wonder if this arrangement was somehow inspired by this picture.

Speaking of pictures, here's the happy couple:

What I find truly amazing is that this didn't happen in Florida.

Thanks to Errol for the heads-up on this article.

Anzac Day

That's right, peoples. It's Anzac Day. ANZAC once stood for "Australia and New Zealand Army Corps," a vast aggregation of young men who were fed into the meatgrinder at Gallipoli. That operation commenced on 25 April 1915.

Like most encounters of the Great War, the Gallipoli campaign was a massive strategic failure that ended in stalemate and a truly astonishing loss of human life. Turks, Kiwis, Aussies, British, and French troops (including many colonial troops) fought and died for a few yards of harsh territory; the mud of the Western Front was replaced by sand and rock. Songwriter Eric Bogle composed a moving, fitting, beautiful tribute to the Anzac troops entitled "The Band Played Waltzing Matilda." I was lucky enough to hear this song performed live once in Australia. If it doesn't move you, then you're dead inside.

Why do I bring this up? Anzac Day is like Memorial Day and Independence Day rolled into one for our friends in the Antipodes. Ideally, we would not need special days set aside for reflection and remembrance; however, since it seems to be the doom of humans that we forget, perhaps it's for the best. Especially since you probably haven't heard a lot about this lately. It's also a reminder that, even though a mission can be completely FUBAR, the individuals tasked with it can acquit themselves heroically. Put more simply, supporting the troops doesn't necessarily carry over to supporting the war.

Also, a dear, dear friend in Sydney took the occasion of Anzac Day to write me a letter. As I hadn't heard from her in a while, I was reminded of King Solomon's Proverbs; specifically, one from Chapter 25: "As cold waters to a thirsty soul, so is good news from a far country."

Yes, it is.

Chutzpah Don't Even Begin to Describe It

Bush visits India--okay, that's news. Perhaps a discussion of US & Indian strategic interests, containing China, and so forth might be appropriate for an article on the subject. However, it's just an AP report, so I guess we can't bemoan the lack of analysis too much.

But here's what's most interesting in the article:

The president and his wife, Laura, then visited a memorial to India’s independence leader, M.K. Gandhi, standing in stocking feet for a moment of silence and wreath-laying at the site where he was cremated in 1948. Following tradition, the Bushes tossed flower petals on the cremation platform — repeating the gesture several times to make sure photographers could get the shot.

This guy's not even slightly concerned that there might be a hell.

This action is so far beyond irony that it's impossible for me to describe it.

Bad News in Pakistan

Seems that people there aren't happy (duh). And Musharraf is probably living on borrowed time. That little airstrike we pulled off a few weeks ago certainly didn't help things.

Wouldn't it be nice if we had a government that was actually concerned about not letting a state that possesses nuclear weapons come to be run by unhinged religious lunatics? 'Cause that's who's gonna take over if things get uglier.

Oh, well. Since Jesus is coming soon and all, I really shouldn't worry, right?

News from Oz

The Sydney Morning Herald has published 15 of 60 photos taken inside Abu Ghraib prison that the US is fighting to keep secret. The slideshow is just fucking awful, so don't click through if you're eating anything.

Christ. This was done in my name, with my tax money. And probably yours, too. Unless you're one of our international readers.

I don't have anything funny or cute to say about this topic--it's simply not possible for me to be sarcastic about this article or slideshow. I would, however, encourage you to remember that this is exactly the sort of thing that the President says he has the power to authorize. I, for one, do not agree.

Are We Back?

It's possible. I know it's been a long, long time since we posted anything, but Punch and Jude may be in the midst of a resurrection.

A whole lot has gone down since last we met, dear readers. Jon is married. To a woman. I know, I know. I'm shocked, too.

Oh, and, uh, let's see......

The NHL cancelled the hockey season, which resulted in many sad Canadians and dentists.

There was the Terry Schiavo bullshit, where we learned that the keep-government-out-of-your-lives Republicans are--how do you say it--fucking hypocrites.

The Downing Street memo, where we learned definitively what most of us already strongly suspected--that the Bush Administration lied through their teeth about going to war in Iraq.

George Bush nominated John Bolton (R-Moustache) to be America's UN Ambassador. Which, given Bolton's views of the UN, is a lot like appointing Tony Soprano to head the FBI.

In Georgia, a man named Brian Nichols shot his way out of a courthouse, killing a judge, a court reporter, and a cop in the escape. He then holed up at the house of a young woman named Ashley Smith, who, apparently, convinced him to surrender himself to the authorities. In a media schlock-fest, everyone raved over how this brave young (white) woman dealt with the crazed (black) fugitive, reading to him from her bible and the mass-marketed self-help pabulum The Purpose-Driven Life. Of course, that shit was too good to be true. In reality, she is a meth addict, and offered an armed, troubled fugitive crystal meth. He asked for some weed; she, lacking the chronic, offered him meth. I wonder why they don't make inspirational self-help books with that handy tip.

Some guy named Steve Fossett flew around the world, by himself, without stopping. Humanity, rightly so, refused to give a shit.

Congress, apparently unaware that there were two wars going on and that the undermining of the Republic was continuing apace, held hearings about the scourge of steroids in Major League Baseball. Such pro luminaries as Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa grunted their responses to Congressional questions in between back waxings. Rafael Palmiero testified by way of cave paintings. The American public, rightly so, refused to give a shit.

In the landlocked African country of Zimbabwe, longtime leader Robert Mugabe "won" an election. George W. Bush immediately extended congratulations, saying, according to sources, "Didja do what I told ya? Works every time!"

The Pope died, and was replaced by a far less cuddly model (though you gotta love that new Pope smell).

World-class turd Eric Rudolph, bomber of gay clubs, family planning clinics, and the 1996 Olympics (oops, sorry Richard Jewell!), was convicted and got four life sentences. Score one for the good guys. What gets far less attention is the fact that lots and lots of stupid crackers aided and abetted this asshole for years.

The government released a new food pyramid. Much of America wonders where Ho-Ho's fit in the new scheme.

Donald Rumsfeld (R-Ninth Circle), tired of getting his salad tossed by Air Force toady Richard Myers, had George W. Bush nominate Marine General Peter Pace to be the new Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Unfortunately for Rummy, General Pace remembers that he has a spine from time to time.

Russian oil tycoon Mikhail Khodorkovsky was convicted and sentenced to nine years in a Siberian prison. Dick "Dick" Cheney (R-Undead), upon hearing about the conviction of an oil company executive, commented that it was a sign of Russia's "barbarity." "Honestly, convicting an oilman? It just shows that Russia has a long way to go to join the community of civilized nations," said "Dick," as he emerged from his crypt. He then shed tears of light, sweet crude for Mr. Khodorkovsky before taking flight to feast upon the blood of the innocent.

A small Cessna airplane entered the restricted airspace of Washington, D.C., prompting the evacuation of the White House and Capitol building. Beefy Secret Service agents carried "Dick" Cheney's crypt to a waiting hearse, and Mrs. Bush was taken to a nearby Xanax factory. Somehow, though, the President was not informed. Apparently, he was busy riding his bicycyle. Or playing with his Tinkertoys. Whatever it is that he was doing, though, was, apparently, more important than a violation of restricted airspace by an off-course airplane. Because, really, why would that bother anyone these days?

Mark Felt, former FBI honcho, revealed that he was the "Deep Throat" source for the Watergate story. This was funny, if for no other reason than everyone on TV news was repeating the term "Deep Throat" with absolutely no mention of where the term came from.

During all of this time, suicide bombers continued to wreak havoc in Iraq. After a particularly deadly attack, aides overheard George W. Bush (R-Special Needs) ask Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice "How does that guy keep gettin' away and strikin' again?"

Canada and Spain legalized gay marriage, citing the "Everyone is Entitled to the same Amount and Duration of Misery" writings of John Locke. Somehow, these two countries are not destroyed by fire and brimstone. Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell warn that they may seek a replacement God if the current deity continues to leave his obligations to them unfulfilled.

Lawyers for the Bush Administration's Justice Department, claiming that "These poor tobacco companies have suffered enough," said that the government would not go after $130 billion that was to go to fund anti-smoking programs. Instead, the DOJ will ask tobacco companies to pay $10 billion over five years to help see to it that millions of Americans quit smoking. Ain't that some neat shit? We'll "ask" you for some money to help people get over your deadly, addictive-ass product. That's like me asking you to stop punching me in the nuts for no reason. "I mean, you don't have to, but, if it's not too much trouble, would you please stop raining blows upon my crotch? No? Okay. I can live with that."

The House of Representatives, having solved all of the country's problems, passed a resolution in favor of amending the Constitution to prevent burning the American flag. Which, as any good soldier knows, is the only legal way available for disposal of old flags. But, hey. Who needs forethought?

Michael Jackson got away with it again.

The shit started to hit the fan when a top Bush adviser and pasty-faced, chinless douchebag Karl Rove was named as the leaker of CIA NOC agent Valerie Plame Wilson's identity to the press in a blatant act of political revenge against her husband, former US Ambassador and Possessor of Huge Clanking Brass Balls Joe Wilson. This leakage, of course, is a crime. And it isn't going away.

The UN condemned Robert Mugabe's slum-clearing program, or, as Mugabe called it "You broke motherfuckers get out of the way of my bulldozers." Mugabe, speaking from his throne of skulls (a gift from Dick "Dick" Cheney), asked that the UN "Please go straight to hell."

Some time in here, Sandra Day O'Connor announced her retirement from the Supreme Court, citing "election-fixing fatigue" as the primary cause of her decision. George W. Bush nominated John Roberts, some guy you've never heard of, to be his guy. When told that Bush wouldn't need anymore elections "decided" by the Supreme Court, so he needn't appoint a family consigliere, he angrily snapped, "Well, Jeb might!"

George W. Bush, tired of waiting for troublesome Congressional "approval" of his nominee, Yosemite Sam John Bolton, to be UN Ambassador, made a recess appointment of Bolton to the post. Bush later expressed disappointment, as he understood that a recess appointment meant that he and Bolton would play kickball on the South Lawn for the afternoon.

Hurricane Katrina destroyed New Orleans and the Mississippi Gulf Coast. Thousands of people died, millions more were displaced and homeless. Entire towns were wiped off of the map. The lower Ninth Ward in NOLA was awash in sewage, Lake Pontchartrain, and corpses. Bush, doing his best Nero impression, didn't even rush back from his vacation at Rancho Borracho (thanks TBogg) to even pretend like he cared. Bush flunky Michael Brown did the worst job imaginable as head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency. Of course, Bush told him that he was doing a "heck of a job." God, speaking from Heaven, said "Look, I'm sorry about the hurricane. They are part of the system down there. But I take no responsibility for George W. Bush, no matter how many times he invokes My Name. Honestly, Me and the angels thought that, while this would be a bad storm, you humans would display resourcefulness and mercy and charity and all that other shit that I've been telling you to for a few millennia. But nobody counted on Bush. Sorry about that." Sources close to Dick "Dick" Cheney say that the Almighty has been added to the official Enemies List, and that "It'll be a cold day in Hell before that SOB gets another White House Christmas card."

William Rehnquist, Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, died. His last words were "My Dark Father, Satan, has called me home. He said that we need some help segregating Hell. My only regret on Earth is that I only got to vote for George W. Bush twice in 2000. Of course, the second vote really mattered. So long, suckers!"

Tom DeLay was indicted on conspiracy and money-laundering charges. Apparently, he broke Texas campaign-finance law. Which is amazing, since it's almost impossible to do. Upon hearing of the indictment, DeLay removed his ermine robe, put down his golden goblet (full of Dr. Pepper), and proclaimed "L'etat, c'est moi!" Then he quickly denied that he'd spoken a word of French, and went back to wiping his ass with an original copy of the Constitution.

George W. Bush nominated empty shell of a human being and adept sycophant Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court. Fundamentalist Christians are unhappy, claiming that Miers is a "woman," and is therefore unfit for such an office. Later, Miers "voluntarily" (wink, wink) withdrew her name from consideration.

A federal grand jury indicted Dick "Dick" Cheney's chief of staff, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby. Cheney, reached for comment in the horrors of the netherworld where he goes to rest, snarled "Better him than me," then devoured eighteen reporters. Bush actually made a statement supporting Libby. Libby resigned after the indictment, telling reporters "Please don't let Dick come get me! Please! For the love of God, help me!"

George W. Bush, seeking to placate the religious fanatics who propelled him into office, nominated Samuel A. Alito, Jr to the Supreme Court. Alito, the son of an immigrant, has been claimed to be proof of human cloning (the most knowledgeable sources say that he was cloned from Antonin Scalia's nose hairs). When asked why Alito was better than Miers, Bush replied "Well, he's a man, see. And that'll make my base happy. Also, he hates them gays. So that's good. But oh, how I'll miss the days when Harriet Miers would lovingly kiss my ass--she really knows how to make a man's ass feel loved." When told that Miers would remain in her position as White House Counsel, Bush smiled and said "Good. Heh heh. Ever'thin's comin' up Georgie!"

Of course, this recounting of events since last we posted isn't exhaustive. But it's a start. So welcome back! We'll try to resume our proud tradition of bringing you the best in swear word-based news and entertainment!

Oh, and happy holidays to you all. Suck on that, Bill O'Reilly.

Venezuela And Other Musings

I haven't said much about it, but the press reports from Venezuela have been just atrocious. Our news has been full of stories about Chavez "surviving" a recall (he won in a walk), and almost nothing about which Venezuelans are mad at him and why (is land redistribution a taboo in the US press?). There's also nothing in our press about how the Bush people aren't fond of Chavez--or that egalitarian social and political movements in Central and South America have never been well received in Washington (you could ask Aristide about that--remember him?). Don't believe me? Just look into the history of liberation theology (more on this in a bit).

Greg Palast has about the best write-up I've seen on the situation there, and why Chavez (though he's far from perfect) doesn't deserve the thrashing he regularly gets in the American news.

There's so much BS and baloney thrown around about Venezuela that I may be violating some rule of US journalism by providing some facts. Let's begin with this: 77% of Venezuela's farmland is owned by 3% of the population, the 'hacendados.'

I met one of these farmlords in Caracas at an anti-Chavez protest march. Oddest demonstration I've ever seen: frosted blondes in high heels clutching designer bags, screeching, "Chavez -- dic-ta-dor!" The plantation owner griped about the "socialismo" of Chavez, then jumped into his Jaguar convertible.

That week, Chavez himself handed me a copy of the "socialist" manifesto that so rattled the man in the Jag. It was a new law passed by Venezuela's Congress giving land to the landless. The Chavez law transferred only fields from the giant haciendas which had been left unused and abandoned.

This land reform, by the way, was promoted to Venezuela in the 1960s by that Lefty radical, John F. Kennedy. Venezuela's dictator of the time agreed to hand out land, but forgot to give peasants title to their property.

But Chavez won't forget, because the mirror reminds him. What the affable president sees in his reflection, beyond the ribbons of office, is a "negro e indio" -- a "Black and Indian" man, dark as a cola nut, same as the landless and, until now, the hopeless. For the first time in Venezuela's history, the 80% Black-Indian population elected a man with skin darker than the man in the Jaguar.

So why, with a huge majority of the electorate behind him, twice in elections and today in a referendum, is Hugo Chavez in hot water with our democracy-promoting White House?

Why indeed? Read the rest of the article; Palast suggests some answers.

But back to liberation theology. Check out this site for some more information (I find the picture of the crucifix at the top of the page particularly striking, but that's just an aesthetic aside). It's also fascinating to me that theologians in the United States haven't come to similar conclusions about the large disparities in wealth and income here in America. I mean,is "the awareness that it is blasphemous to care for people's souls while ignoring their needs for food, shelter and human dignity" absent from US Christianity? Granted, the gap between rich and poor is not as dramatic in the US as it is in, say, Nicaragua, but that disparity is the largest among all industrialized countries. Doesn't that bear pulpit-based commentary?

Ernest Partridge of The Crisis Papers has an article that approaches that question, and it's worth your time. In addition, Thomas Frank's newest book, What's the Matter with Kansas? addresses the same subject.

It's all food for thought.