Thursday, December 22, 2005

Are We Back?

It's possible. I know it's been a long, long time since we posted anything, but Punch and Jude may be in the midst of a resurrection.

A whole lot has gone down since last we met, dear readers. Jon is married. To a woman. I know, I know. I'm shocked, too.

Oh, and, uh, let's see......

The NHL cancelled the hockey season, which resulted in many sad Canadians and dentists.

There was the Terry Schiavo bullshit, where we learned that the keep-government-out-of-your-lives Republicans are--how do you say it--fucking hypocrites.

The Downing Street memo, where we learned definitively what most of us already strongly suspected--that the Bush Administration lied through their teeth about going to war in Iraq.

George Bush nominated John Bolton (R-Moustache) to be America's UN Ambassador. Which, given Bolton's views of the UN, is a lot like appointing Tony Soprano to head the FBI.

In Georgia, a man named Brian Nichols shot his way out of a courthouse, killing a judge, a court reporter, and a cop in the escape. He then holed up at the house of a young woman named Ashley Smith, who, apparently, convinced him to surrender himself to the authorities. In a media schlock-fest, everyone raved over how this brave young (white) woman dealt with the crazed (black) fugitive, reading to him from her bible and the mass-marketed self-help pabulum The Purpose-Driven Life. Of course, that shit was too good to be true. In reality, she is a meth addict, and offered an armed, troubled fugitive crystal meth. He asked for some weed; she, lacking the chronic, offered him meth. I wonder why they don't make inspirational self-help books with that handy tip.

Some guy named Steve Fossett flew around the world, by himself, without stopping. Humanity, rightly so, refused to give a shit.

Congress, apparently unaware that there were two wars going on and that the undermining of the Republic was continuing apace, held hearings about the scourge of steroids in Major League Baseball. Such pro luminaries as Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa grunted their responses to Congressional questions in between back waxings. Rafael Palmiero testified by way of cave paintings. The American public, rightly so, refused to give a shit.

In the landlocked African country of Zimbabwe, longtime leader Robert Mugabe "won" an election. George W. Bush immediately extended congratulations, saying, according to sources, "Didja do what I told ya? Works every time!"

The Pope died, and was replaced by a far less cuddly model (though you gotta love that new Pope smell).

World-class turd Eric Rudolph, bomber of gay clubs, family planning clinics, and the 1996 Olympics (oops, sorry Richard Jewell!), was convicted and got four life sentences. Score one for the good guys. What gets far less attention is the fact that lots and lots of stupid crackers aided and abetted this asshole for years.

The government released a new food pyramid. Much of America wonders where Ho-Ho's fit in the new scheme.

Donald Rumsfeld (R-Ninth Circle), tired of getting his salad tossed by Air Force toady Richard Myers, had George W. Bush nominate Marine General Peter Pace to be the new Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Unfortunately for Rummy, General Pace remembers that he has a spine from time to time.

Russian oil tycoon Mikhail Khodorkovsky was convicted and sentenced to nine years in a Siberian prison. Dick "Dick" Cheney (R-Undead), upon hearing about the conviction of an oil company executive, commented that it was a sign of Russia's "barbarity." "Honestly, convicting an oilman? It just shows that Russia has a long way to go to join the community of civilized nations," said "Dick," as he emerged from his crypt. He then shed tears of light, sweet crude for Mr. Khodorkovsky before taking flight to feast upon the blood of the innocent.

A small Cessna airplane entered the restricted airspace of Washington, D.C., prompting the evacuation of the White House and Capitol building. Beefy Secret Service agents carried "Dick" Cheney's crypt to a waiting hearse, and Mrs. Bush was taken to a nearby Xanax factory. Somehow, though, the President was not informed. Apparently, he was busy riding his bicycyle. Or playing with his Tinkertoys. Whatever it is that he was doing, though, was, apparently, more important than a violation of restricted airspace by an off-course airplane. Because, really, why would that bother anyone these days?

Mark Felt, former FBI honcho, revealed that he was the "Deep Throat" source for the Watergate story. This was funny, if for no other reason than everyone on TV news was repeating the term "Deep Throat" with absolutely no mention of where the term came from.

During all of this time, suicide bombers continued to wreak havoc in Iraq. After a particularly deadly attack, aides overheard George W. Bush (R-Special Needs) ask Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice "How does that guy keep gettin' away and strikin' again?"

Canada and Spain legalized gay marriage, citing the "Everyone is Entitled to the same Amount and Duration of Misery" writings of John Locke. Somehow, these two countries are not destroyed by fire and brimstone. Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell warn that they may seek a replacement God if the current deity continues to leave his obligations to them unfulfilled.

Lawyers for the Bush Administration's Justice Department, claiming that "These poor tobacco companies have suffered enough," said that the government would not go after $130 billion that was to go to fund anti-smoking programs. Instead, the DOJ will ask tobacco companies to pay $10 billion over five years to help see to it that millions of Americans quit smoking. Ain't that some neat shit? We'll "ask" you for some money to help people get over your deadly, addictive-ass product. That's like me asking you to stop punching me in the nuts for no reason. "I mean, you don't have to, but, if it's not too much trouble, would you please stop raining blows upon my crotch? No? Okay. I can live with that."

The House of Representatives, having solved all of the country's problems, passed a resolution in favor of amending the Constitution to prevent burning the American flag. Which, as any good soldier knows, is the only legal way available for disposal of old flags. But, hey. Who needs forethought?

Michael Jackson got away with it again.

The shit started to hit the fan when a top Bush adviser and pasty-faced, chinless douchebag Karl Rove was named as the leaker of CIA NOC agent Valerie Plame Wilson's identity to the press in a blatant act of political revenge against her husband, former US Ambassador and Possessor of Huge Clanking Brass Balls Joe Wilson. This leakage, of course, is a crime. And it isn't going away.

The UN condemned Robert Mugabe's slum-clearing program, or, as Mugabe called it "You broke motherfuckers get out of the way of my bulldozers." Mugabe, speaking from his throne of skulls (a gift from Dick "Dick" Cheney), asked that the UN "Please go straight to hell."

Some time in here, Sandra Day O'Connor announced her retirement from the Supreme Court, citing "election-fixing fatigue" as the primary cause of her decision. George W. Bush nominated John Roberts, some guy you've never heard of, to be his guy. When told that Bush wouldn't need anymore elections "decided" by the Supreme Court, so he needn't appoint a family consigliere, he angrily snapped, "Well, Jeb might!"

George W. Bush, tired of waiting for troublesome Congressional "approval" of his nominee, Yosemite Sam John Bolton, to be UN Ambassador, made a recess appointment of Bolton to the post. Bush later expressed disappointment, as he understood that a recess appointment meant that he and Bolton would play kickball on the South Lawn for the afternoon.

Hurricane Katrina destroyed New Orleans and the Mississippi Gulf Coast. Thousands of people died, millions more were displaced and homeless. Entire towns were wiped off of the map. The lower Ninth Ward in NOLA was awash in sewage, Lake Pontchartrain, and corpses. Bush, doing his best Nero impression, didn't even rush back from his vacation at Rancho Borracho (thanks TBogg) to even pretend like he cared. Bush flunky Michael Brown did the worst job imaginable as head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency. Of course, Bush told him that he was doing a "heck of a job." God, speaking from Heaven, said "Look, I'm sorry about the hurricane. They are part of the system down there. But I take no responsibility for George W. Bush, no matter how many times he invokes My Name. Honestly, Me and the angels thought that, while this would be a bad storm, you humans would display resourcefulness and mercy and charity and all that other shit that I've been telling you to for a few millennia. But nobody counted on Bush. Sorry about that." Sources close to Dick "Dick" Cheney say that the Almighty has been added to the official Enemies List, and that "It'll be a cold day in Hell before that SOB gets another White House Christmas card."

William Rehnquist, Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, died. His last words were "My Dark Father, Satan, has called me home. He said that we need some help segregating Hell. My only regret on Earth is that I only got to vote for George W. Bush twice in 2000. Of course, the second vote really mattered. So long, suckers!"

Tom DeLay was indicted on conspiracy and money-laundering charges. Apparently, he broke Texas campaign-finance law. Which is amazing, since it's almost impossible to do. Upon hearing of the indictment, DeLay removed his ermine robe, put down his golden goblet (full of Dr. Pepper), and proclaimed "L'etat, c'est moi!" Then he quickly denied that he'd spoken a word of French, and went back to wiping his ass with an original copy of the Constitution.

George W. Bush nominated empty shell of a human being and adept sycophant Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court. Fundamentalist Christians are unhappy, claiming that Miers is a "woman," and is therefore unfit for such an office. Later, Miers "voluntarily" (wink, wink) withdrew her name from consideration.

A federal grand jury indicted Dick "Dick" Cheney's chief of staff, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby. Cheney, reached for comment in the horrors of the netherworld where he goes to rest, snarled "Better him than me," then devoured eighteen reporters. Bush actually made a statement supporting Libby. Libby resigned after the indictment, telling reporters "Please don't let Dick come get me! Please! For the love of God, help me!"

George W. Bush, seeking to placate the religious fanatics who propelled him into office, nominated Samuel A. Alito, Jr to the Supreme Court. Alito, the son of an immigrant, has been claimed to be proof of human cloning (the most knowledgeable sources say that he was cloned from Antonin Scalia's nose hairs). When asked why Alito was better than Miers, Bush replied "Well, he's a man, see. And that'll make my base happy. Also, he hates them gays. So that's good. But oh, how I'll miss the days when Harriet Miers would lovingly kiss my ass--she really knows how to make a man's ass feel loved." When told that Miers would remain in her position as White House Counsel, Bush smiled and said "Good. Heh heh. Ever'thin's comin' up Georgie!"

Of course, this recounting of events since last we posted isn't exhaustive. But it's a start. So welcome back! We'll try to resume our proud tradition of bringing you the best in swear word-based news and entertainment!

Oh, and happy holidays to you all. Suck on that, Bill O'Reilly.

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