More Rank Hypocrisy

Do they hand these out to Bush appointees?

So it seems that another GOP jerkoff has been caught doing bad things--in this case, it's Randall Tobias. He is fond of strangling irony while someone else is choking his chicken.

That's right. Here's another right-wing gasbag who pushed abstinence on other people while visiting handjob huts around DC. He's married, of course, and encourages abstinence and/or monogamy for others. So let's add him to the list.

Stunning Examples of Right-Wing Hypocrisy
Bill Bennett
Rush Limbaugh
Newt Gingrich
Henry Hyde
Bob Barr
Bob Livingston
Tom DeLay
Mark Foley
Ted Haggard
Jerry Falwell
Pat Robertson
Randall Tobias

Note that this is by no means an exhaustive list.

Well, well, well . . .

Look who's back in the biz. I wish I could say that I've recently come across something that inspired me to start blogging again, but it was just Jude's threats of physical violence. And since Jude once (drunkenly) tried to duct tape me to a telephone pole, I figure I should take him seriously.

Since I don't have too much to say right now I'll simply link to my favorite legal opinion of all-time, Leonard v. PepsiCo.

Hilarity ensues

Play the Last Post

Frontal assault, Gallipoli, 1915.

It's Anzac Day.

I wrote about this day last year, and, due to my workload today, I simply refer you back to that post.

Watch Jon Stewart Hand John McCain His Own Ass



Wow. McCain's just imploding. Let's see--he told Stewart that he brought him an IED, that he'd kick his dog, and that the Baghdad markets are great, 'cause they take plastic (what's the odds on them accepting AmEx?). Then he implies that the audience wants the US to lose (whatever the hell losing means when you're refereeing a three-way civil war).

Maybe McCain knows he has as much of a chance as Dole in 1996. Maybe he's mad about his upcoming (and continuing) fundie ass-kissing. Maybe he's just lost the capacity to be funny. Or perhaps it's a combination of these factors.

Whatever it is, he's in for a long year and a half if this keeps up.

At any rate, the more inept the Republicans are, the better it is for you, me, and everyone else who doesn't have bank accounts in the Caymans.

The Nietzsche Family Circus

If only it were this funny.

If you're anything like me (and you should hope to god that you're not), you absolutely hate the Family Circus. As in, you feel for the Family Circus the same kind of white-hot hatred that is normally reserved for people who abuse cute puppies. The fire of a thousand blue suns couldn't come close to the hatred that I have for Bil Keane's atrocious offal.

That being said, this is funny. I mean really funny. It's the Nietzsche Family Circus, in which random Family Circus panels are combined with random Nietzsche quotes. The results are often reminiscent of what philosophers and biologists refer to as "emergent properties." if you don't believe me. By themselves, neither the Family Circus or Nietzsche is funny. However, when you combine them, hilarity ensues. Who could have predicted that outcome? No one, that's who. Hence, we see an emergent property.

Here's my favorite Nietzsche Family Circus so far:

Die at the right time!

That's some funny shit.

This Is Why I'm a Month Late Writing about This

More mathy goodness.

Check out the Village Voice for a graphical explanation of why Mims is hot.

And you not.

Here's a small sample:

If only these powerful analytical techniques had been around in 2001. Then we could have applied them to Nelly.

Fond Farewells

Farewell to thee.

David Halberstam, reporter and author, died in an automobile crash yesterday out in California.

Boris Yeltsin, the first-ever elected Russian leader, also died yesterday.

Unrelatedly, Stolichnaya stock plummeted in trading today.

A Long and Busy Day

¡Estoy ocupado!

Sorry I don't have anything fresh today, loyal readers. I've been pretty busy.

I'll have more soon, I promise.

In the meantime, why not check out some of the fine links over to the right? You'll thank yourself for it.

Relay for Life

You can give a little, can't you?

Hey hey, loyal readers.

It's Relay for Life time again! Okay, so it's not exactly time for the actual relay itself, but it is time to start with the begging. So chip in a few bucks. It's for a really good cause.

You can donate to my team here.

As the Iraqis Stand Up...

Cluster bomb.


Cluster fuck.

George Bush, June 2005:

"Our strategy can be summed up this way: As the Iraqis stand up, we will stand down."

Things today are somewhat different:

WASHINGTON - Military planners have abandoned the idea that standing up Iraqi troops will enable American soldiers to start coming home soon and now believe that U.S. troops will have to defeat the insurgents and secure control of troubled provinces.

Training Iraqi troops, which had been the cornerstone of the Bush administration's Iraq policy since 2005, has dropped in priority, officials in Baghdad and Washington said.

No change has been announced, and a Pentagon spokesman, Col. Gary Keck, said training Iraqis remains important. "We are just adding another leg to our mission," Keck said, referring to the greater U.S. role in establishing security that new troops arriving in Iraq will undertake.

But evidence has been building for months that training Iraqi troops is no longer the focus of U.S. policy. Pentagon officials said they know of no new training resources that have been included in U.S. plans to dispatch 28,000 additional troops to Iraq. The officials spoke only on the condition of anonymity because they aren't authorized to discuss the policy shift publicly. Defense Secretary Robert Gates made no public mention of training Iraqi troops on Thursday during a visit to Iraq.

In a reflection of the need for more U.S. troops, the Pentagon decided earlier this month to increase the length of U.S. Army tours in Iraq from 12 to 15 months. The extension came amid speculation that the U.S. commander there, Army Gen. David Petraeus, will ask that the troop increase be maintained well into 2008.

U.S. officials don't say that the training formula - championed by Gen. John Abizaid when he was the commander of U.S. forces in the Middle East and by Gen. George Casey when he was the top U.S. general in Iraq - was doomed from the start. But they said that rising sectarian violence and the inability of Prime Minister Nouri al Maliki to unite the country changed the conditions. They say they now must establish security while training Iraqi forces because ultimately, "they are our ticket out of Iraq," as one senior Pentagon official put it.

Could some enterprising reporter ask the President about this? When will our Great Mesopotamian Adventure come to an end?

Important Health News for the Weekend

This might very well save your life.

That's right. Those fruity drinks you can't have in front of your friends? They're good for you. Huzzah for science!

What the Fuck?

Lookit the cute little bear.

Apparently, someone has seen fit to send a death threat to a polar bear cub.

I know there are a lot of other things going on in the world that are of far greater import, but this particular item has puzzled me greatly. I just don't get it.

A Local Perspective

We here at Punch and Jude are great fans of the Madison-based comic strip Yourmometer.

Today's installment is especially good, as our cartoonist comments on the idiocy of the Federal Deficit Reduction And Ha Ha Fuck You Act of 2005. Check it out.

Click the image for a larger version.

Busy Busy Busy

So check out this video:



And you thought you were having a shitty day.

Something I Never Thought I'd Say

More likely than the following.

Good for Steve Spurrier.

I've never had a nice thing to say about him before, so I'm as shocked as you are.

Thanks, But No Thanks

If no one else will take the "War Czar" job, maybe they should give John Connor a call. He could beat SkyNet, right?

Retired USMC General John Sheehan to Bush: Go find some other patsy upon whom to pin your failed war.

The day-to-day work of the White House implementation manager overseeing Iraq and Afghanistan would require a great deal of emotional and intellectual energy resolving critical resource issues in a bureaucracy that, to date, has not functioned well. Activities such as the current surge operations should fit into an overall strategic framework. There has to be linkage between short-term operations and strategic objectives that represent long-term U.S. and regional interests, such as assured access to energy resources and support for stable, Western-oriented countries. These interests will require a serious dialogue and partnership with countries that live in an increasingly dangerous neighborhood. We cannot "shorthand" this issue with concepts such as the "democratization of the region" or the constant refrain by a small but powerful group that we are going to "win," even as "victory" is not defined or is frequently redefined.

It would have been a great honor to serve this nation again. But after thoughtful discussions with people both in and outside of this administration, I concluded that the current Washington decision-making process lacks a linkage to a broader view of the region and how the parts fit together strategically. We got it right during the early days of Afghanistan -- and then lost focus. We have never gotten it right in Iraq. For these reasons, I asked not to be considered for this important White House position. These huge shortcomings are not going to be resolved by the assignment of an additional individual to the White House staff. They need to be addressed before an implementation manager is brought on board.

Translation: You, Mr. Bush, have shit the bed. There is no way to un-shit it. And I'll be goddamned if I roll around in your stank-ass sheets. Enjoy your cluster fuck, sir, for I will have no part of it.

Although the general is far more politic than I would be, I agree with what he says. Who wouldn't?

Nerd Shit

We're gonna need a bigger fryer.

Tyrannosaurus rex = Gallus domesticus?

Perhaps. This story is fascinating.

US researchers have identified microscopic traces of soft tissue taken from a 68 million-year-old T-rex fossil in a startling discovery that is yielding clues to evolutionary links between dinosaurs and birds, a study released Thursday said.

The tiny protein fragments were extracted from the leg bone of a Tyrannosaurus rex that was discovered in the western state of Montana in 2003, but it wasn't until recently that scientists were able to definitively identify them as traces of prehistoric dinosaur collagen.

The collagen should have degraded millions of years before according to conventional wisdom, but paleontologists at North Carolina State University were fairly confident that what they had was the "barely detectable" remains of dinosaur soft tissue based on their chemical and molecular analyses.

However, they could not definitively say that, so they turned to biochemist John Asara at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical School in Boston to make that determination.

It took Asara a year and a half, but he was finally able to sequence the amino acids in the collagen proteins - a proxy for DNA analysis - and conclude that the T-rex femur did indeed contain traces of collagen, a fibrous protein found in bone.

When the researchers compared those amino acid sequences to those of similar proteins in several contemporary animals, they found that the T-rex sequence had similarities to those of chickens, and to a lesser extent frogs and newts.

That finding bolsters a recent and controversial proposal that birds and dinosaurs are evolutionarily related, and change that hypothesis to a theory, the researchers said.

Sixty-eight million year old soft tissue? Amazing.

I wasn't aware that the dinosaur-bird link was "controversial." I thought it was pretty much accepted as fact. But I'm not a paleontologist, either.

Can you imagine the amount of hot sauce you'd need for Buffalo-style T-rex arms?

I'm sure you all know that the Tyrannosaurus was just about the biggest, baddest dinosaur to wander around in the Cretaceous. But what's the biggest predator that's ever lived on earth? No fair using Google.

Something for Tomorrow

Handed down from God Himself.

Make sure you go to Ben & Jerry's tomorrow, from noon to close.

It's Free Cone Day!

Headline of the Day

Seriously, what the fuck?

Toilets Might Catch Fire

If there is any device in your house that should never catch fire, it's the toilet. I'd feel better about a bathtub fire than a toilet fire.

Data Trump Values*

These chowderheads could've come up with a better education plan. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

We recently saw the release of yet another study showing that "abstinence-only" education is a waste of money (as well as a crock of shit).

Not that the current crop of chuckleheads who run the country will pay attention. But it's good to know if you care about public education in your community and nationwide.

Here's a PDF of the Mathematica report. Here's the NY Times article from today's paper. The print edition carried a longer piece, so you might consider picking one of those up this afternoon if you still can.

*A "senior Bush advisor" once remarked that "values trump data" where sex education is concerned. Seriously.

Baseball

No, not that's not Mordecai "Three-Finger" Brown. But it's a fun picture.

Ahh, Springtime. Baseball season. Once again, we witness the return of this anachronistic, pastoral game.

Though I've never participated, I've known lots of people who play fantasy baseball. If you, dear reader, enjoy this pastime, know that you are up against a gigantic nerd. The best thing about this article? I learned that Meat Loaf plays fantasy sports.

Serious fantasy players are always eager to team with Olson. In fact, he joined forces with the singer Meat Loaf in the 2004 World Championship of Fantasy Baseball.

“Meat Loaf is a huge fantasy sports fan,” Olson said. “We sat beside each other that year at the draft in Las Vegas. We finished third out of 15 teams in our league and won $1,000. But that didn’t even cover our entrance fee.”

The NY Times also had a good article about pitch counts today. If that's you're sort of thing, check it out. I really enjoyed it.

Finally, I once again submit, for your enjoyment, "Baseball Bugs."

Happiness

If this isn't bliss, I don't know what is.

Have a Laugh



If you've seen PBS nature shows, or documentaries from an Anthropology 101 course, this should tickle your funny bone.

Enjoy!

Adios, Douchebag

Even the Chinese are against him.

So Imus got canned. Good. It's actually long since overdue.

However, that alone isn't really post-worthy here at Punch and Jude. Oh, no. You've gotta have the twist.

What did Don Imus (finally) get axed over? Making misogynistic, hateful, racist-ass comments.

So what do the denizens of the right-wing sewers have to say? See for yourself!

To: kellynla

Well, the racist hatemongers won one today.

4 posted on 04/12/2007 2:58:34 PM PDT by TBP

That's right. When you get fired for being a racist hatemonger, that means that the racist hatemongers have won.

God damn, I don't know how their heads keep from exploding.

So It Goes

So long, Kurt Vonnegut.

You'll be sorely missed.

Tammy Baldwin, You Kick Ass

About to be opened

Good times, good times.

U.S. Rep. Tammy Baldwin called on Congress Monday to investigate the prosecution of former state worker Georgia Thompson, whose bid-rigging conviction was overturned last week by a federal appeals court.

Thompson was accused of favoring a company with ties to Democratic Gov. Jim Doyle, and her conviction became an issue last year in his re-election campaign.

"Congress should also look into whether partisan politics influenced, or even dictated, the investigations conducted by the U.S. attorneys' offices in order to stay in the (Bush) administration's good graces," Baldwin, D-Madison, said in a statement.

In addition, Thompson told the state Monday she's interested in returning to work "as soon as possible," said Patrick Henderson, executive assistant at the Department of Administration. He said that might be by the end of April. Thompson expressed interest in returning to the division where she previously worked, but not as a procurement supervisor, he said.

I do so like this new "oversight" business that's going on.

Presidentin' Is Still Hard Work

Now who kin run mah war fer me?

Check out the latest brainstorm from the Bush Administration--they're looking for a "war czar."

No, really. I am not making this up.

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The White House wants to appoint a high-profile overseer to manage the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan but has had trouble finding someone to take the job, The Washington Post reported on Wednesday.

At least three retired four-star generals approached by the White House in recent weeks have turned down the position, the report said.

The war "czar" would report directly to President George W. Bush and national security adviser Stephen Hadley and would have authority to issue directions to the
Pentagon and the State Department, the newspaper said.

Retired Marine Gen. John "Jack" Sheehan, a former top NATO commander, was among those who rejected the job, the newspaper reported.

"The very fundamental issue is, they don't know where the hell they're going," Sheehan told the Post.

Sheehan said he believes that Vice President Dick Cheney and his hawkish allies remain more powerful within the administration than pragmatists looking for a way out of Iraq, the Post reported.

"So rather than go over there, develop an ulcer and eventually leave, I said, 'No, thanks,' " Sheehan told the paper.

Retired Army Gen. Jack Keane and retired Air Force Gen. Joseph Ralston were also approached and said they were not interested in the position, the newspaper said, citing sources.

Ralston declined to comment while Keane confirmed he turned down the job, the Post said.

The White House has not publicly disclosed its interest in creating the position, hoping to find someone to fill the post before the job is announced.

Officials said they were still considering options to reorganize the White House's management of the two wars, the Post said.

Uh, you know, there's already someone who's in charge of the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. He has this oval-shaped office in a large white mansion in Washington, DC. You know, that "Decider" guy? Maybe you've heard of him.

Interesting how no one wants to be a part of Bush's train wreck, either. You'd think that you could find at least one sycophantic general ready to jump at the chance.

Hey, there might be someone for the job, after all. He's looking for work, I believe.

If I just sprinkle the pixie dust on the ground after I plant the magic beans, then Freedom™ will break out everywhere!

Finally, this looks like a good opportunity to use my absolute favorite photo ever of Rummy.

I swear, this photo has not been retouched.

Johnny Hart

Because I couldn't say it any better, I direct you to TBogg.

Also, check out this Bizarro entry. I'm usually not a big fan of Dan Piraro's strips, but this one seems to sum the issue up quite nicely.

Happy Pagan Rebirth Celebration

And on the third day, Zombie Jesus hatched from the Cadbury Egg...

Have a good holiday, everyone.

Some Days, I Wish I Had Cable

Really, only on Easter weekend. Why? Because, every year, ABC shows what may be the worst movie ever made.

Funny--I thought ham was trayf.

Dear lord, The Ten Commandments is a horrible, horrible movie. What the hell was Edward G. Robinson doing in this POS? Did he need the money that badly?

Yes, I'm giving Yul Brynner a pass. DeMille's movie was only his second starring role.

From the Department of "No Shit"

We could have told you this.

Poor to suffer most due to global warming.

Ya think?

Well, I guess every extra push in the right direction helps.

Math Lesson

Much simpler than this.

It looks like the state of Idaho could use some better math education.

Why, you ask?

Simple: Idiots with guns are shooting at tanks. No, really.

Here's where a math lesson would come in handy.

Let's assume, for simplicity's sake, that the shooters are using Remington model 700 rifles. They're excellent, popular, accurate, and affordable weapons. They fire a 7.62 mm round, and have an effective range of about 1500 meters. Really, you couldn't ask for a much better production rifle than this. However, it's not really good as an armor-piercing weapon.

Your M1A1 Main Battle Tank, on the other hand, has an M256 120 mm smoothbore gun. This weapon will fire a sabot round that can, with a 0-degree shot, penetrate over two feet of reactive armor at 2000 meters. The tanks themselves have over two feet of armor.

Now on to the math.

Remington model 700 caliber: 7.62 mm

M1A1 MBT main weapon caliber: 120 mm

120 >> 7.62

QED, motherfucker.

Now stop shooting at the goddamn tanks, dumbasses.

Shit I Didn't Need the Internet to Know

HowManyOfMe.com

There are 0 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

Well? What about you?

April Is the Cruellest Month

You can't even breed lilacs out of the dead ground when it freezes overnight.

Even when you don't take the weather into account, April can be cruel. So very, very cruel.

Goddamn Annette Ziegler is now going to be a supreme court judge here for the next decade. So we can expect more good conservative ethics from our state judiciary. Bleah. I guess it's really hard for those rich folks to catch a break.

Baseball Season

So far, so good.


Work on it.