Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Laura Posada

CNN is reporting that some guy got kicked out of a Yankees game for taking a picture of catcher Jorge Posada's wife Laura. She sounds like one hell of a diva. What in the world would make her or the security at the stadium think that they can kick someone out for taking a picture of her? I hope the guy wins and the people who did this get a grip on reality.

My first thought was that she must be horribly disfigured or unbelievably gorgeous. It's the latter (despite the crooked smile).


Wednesday, November 24, 2004


Ok, so I've been writing a lot about sports lately. But I guess that's ok since Jude has the queers covered and Football and Homosexuality are our top two topics here.

Anyway, I just learned something about Jerry Glanville (you DO want to hit that site) that I never knew from this article.

But Glanville, whose ego was even bigger than those cowboy belt-buckles he always wore with his black jeans, fretted that a carousing Favre would never reach his potential. The Falcons had Chris Miller as their starter and Billy Joe Tolliver as the primary backup in 1991, good guys and decent quarterbacks, and Favre knew he was never going to play. And so he became intimately familiar with some of the watering holes in the Buckhead entertainment district, drew plenty of fines from Glanville, and wilted on the bench.

The breaking point came on a Saturday morning in October, when Favre overslept and was late arriving for the team picture, apparently an unforgivable transgression in the sunglass-covered eyes of the head coach. Come the offseason, Glanville ordered vice president of personnel Ken Herock to trade Favre and the history of two franchises was essentially sealed for the next 13 seasons.
Hehehe. I think one day this might be close to the level of the Ruth trade. After all, Favre is the best QB in history.


I don't even know what to say about this.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

NFL Power Rankings

The Thanksgiving edition is out and ESPN gives each team something to be thankful for. Here's the Saints reason: "Gumbo and beignets. You certainly can't be thankful for the play on the field."


Monday, November 22, 2004

Oh No! They're Gonna Take Over!

We here at Punch and Jude have decided to start fighting the good fight against the gay gayness that will gay-ify us all if its gaying influence is not checked. Yes, we are allying ourselves with the likes of the radical clerics Donald Wildmon, Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, and aspiring Mullah James Dobson.

It's curtains for you, gay movement. The gay gaying of America is now coming to an end! It's back to closets, painfully repressed homosexuality, furtively stolen glances at those hot swimmers--oh, those swimmers, with their youth and good looks, their impressive, rippling musculature, their--Ah ha! Thought you'd get me, didn't you, gay movement! Well, that's too bad! Because I'm not falling for it.

Well, good citizens of straight America, you'll be happy to know that Texas is, naturally enough, ahead of the curve.

Note to boys in the tiny Spurger, Texas, school district: Put away those high heels and pleated skirts. Instead, wear black boots and Army camouflage to school Wednesday.

A parent's concerns prompted the district 150 miles northeast of Houston to scrap its annual "TWIRP Day" -- when boys dress like girls and girls dress like boys-- in favor of "Camo Day."

TWIRP stands for "The Woman Is Requested to Pay," and for years Spurger schools hosted the day during Homecoming Week to give boys and girls a chance to reverse social roles and let older girls invite boys on dates, open doors and pay for sodas.

Plano-based Liberty Legal Institute issued a news release Tuesday reporting that it "came to the aid of a concerned parent requesting an excused absence for her children on official cross-dressing day in her children's elementary school."

"It is outrageous that a school in a small town in East Texas would encourage their 4-year-olds to be cross-dressers," Liberty Legal Institute attorney Hiram Sasser said in the release.

Tanner T. Hunt Jr., the school district's attorney, called Sasser's statement "inflammatory and misleading." Hunt said the district never planned or conducted a "cross-dressing day."

"They are a tiny little East Texas school district," said Hunt, a Beaumont attorney. "It never occurred to them that anyone could find anything morally reprehensible about TWIRP Day. I mean, they've been having it for years, probably for generations, and it's the first time anybody has complained."

Delana Davies, a 33-year-old mother of three, said she contacted Superintendent Angela Matterson on Tuesday after reading a school notice about "TWIRP Day."

Davies, whose 9-year-old son and 4-year-old daughter attend Spurger Elementary, said she viewed the day not a silly Homecoming Week activity, but as an effort to push a homosexual agenda in a public school.

"It's like experimenting with drugs," said Davies, who also has a 2-year-old daughter. "You just keep playing with it and it becomes customary. ... If it's OK to dress like a girl today, then why is it not OK in the future?"

After speaking with the Liberty attorney, Matterson agreed to exempt Davies' son and older daughter from attending school on Wednesday. However, district officials later decided to scrap "TWIRP Day" altogether and replace it with "Camo Day," where students will wear camouflage clothing.

"I just think it's unfortunate," Hunt said. "It was just never intended to be anything other than just an innocent, fun day for children."

Yeah. Like I'm gonna believe some tool of the liberal nanny state like Mr. Hunt. In addition to being a homo-supportin' user of the public treasury, Mr. Hunt is also a lawyer. And not a right-thinking lawyer, either--not like, say, Instacracker or the Shrieking Harpy Of Wisconsin. I'm also suspicious of him because of his name--Tanner? What the hell kind of name is that for a red-blooded, God-fearin', heterosexual American, anyway? Unless, of course, he's one of them.

So Kudos to you, Mrs. Davies, for noticing this diabolical attempt to push the liberal homosexual agenda in those socialist public schools.

But, of course, we can't stop with TWIRP day. We've got to roll up our sleeves, up over our well-toned forearms, and get to work stamping out this gay menace.

It should come as no surprise that Liberal Hollywood is pushing the gay agenda. But did you know they're pushing it at our children? They are. With cartoons, even.

The Flintstones (in addition to showing a blasphemous non-creationist version of the past), let us recall, admonished us all to "have a gay old time." Not exactly subtle, is it? But, of course, Liberal Hollywood didn't just rest on its laurels there.

They moved into computer-animated cartoons. Yes, it would appear, the "children's" movie Shark Tale, released in October of this year, is actually swimming with homosexuality. As a minion of Mullah Wildmon reminds us,

In developing this allegory, Shark Tale uses all of the familiar Hollywood plot devices, beginning with the son who is "different," and who fails to measure up to the cultural standards of manhood.

Lenny's mannerisms and voice tend toward the effeminate, notes a review by Scott Tobias in The Onion A.V. Club, but that's not the worst of it. For in sharkdom, masculinity is measured by one's proficiency as a meat-eater.


The real problem, of course, is that Lenny isn't a meat-eater. In fact, he's a closet vegetarian, and Lenny understands just how unnatural that is for sharks. He's ashamed, and that guilt deepens when he later overhears his father complain, "What's wrong with that kid? Why's he gotta be so different?"

As movie reviewer Dustin Putman notes, Lenny is "a shark afraid to 'come out' as a vegetarian to his mob boss father," and this plot device is "slyly standing in for the experiences many go through in coming to terms with their sexual orientation."

The pressure of his father's disapproval is too much for Lenny, and he runs away. Oscar, who should be his natural prey, becomes his friend.

However, that friendship allows Lenny to open up, and he finally confesses to Oscar that he's "different." He admits: "I'm a vegetarian .... You're the first fish I ever told. I'm so tired of keeping it all a secret. And my dad -- he'll never accept me for who I am! What's wrong with me?"

A 'Cross-Dressing' Shark?
But Lenny is more than just a vegetarian. He turns out to enjoy dressing as a dolphin, an obvious allusion to cross-dressing, as noted in a review of Shark Tale by Ed Park in The Village Voice.

"Lenny flees his old life by disguising himself as a dolphin and indulging his happy side," Levy says, calling it "a barely hidden subtext here about letting your closeted inner self emerge ...."


Lino's heart softens, and he tells Lenny, "I love you son, no matter what you eat or how you dress."

Of course, when it comes to kids, this is tricky stuff. The film does not come right out and say that we should all accept homosexuality. And, naturally, children should be taught to be accepting of others.

But as Plugged In's Steven Isaac notes, "Had this movie been released 20 years ago, nobody would have been calling attention to this subject." Two decades ago, accepting differences meant accepting a person who might have a different skin color, or be from a different ethnic background.

Such differences are immutable characteristics, however, and not sexual choices. In this respect, Shark Tale comes far too close to taking a bite out of traditional moral and spiritual beliefs.

And that's probably swimming a bit too close to shore for many parents.

Gasp! Can you believe the gall of those liberal Hollyweird types? Thank goodness that Goodman Wildmon knew enough to use the upstanding movie reviews from America's Finest News Source.

The Music Industry will not escape our scrutiny, either. No, I'm not talking about Britney Spears, or Snoop Diggity Dogg, or even ultra harlot Madonna.

We have to go back farther than that. Hank Williams records need to be gathered and burned. It's true. In his 1951 hit "Jambalaya," right there for all to see, Williams tells us all to "Pick guitar, fill fruit jar, and be gay-o." Come on, people! I guess we can also infer that Williams was asking a man "Hey, good lookin', what you got cookin'," can't we?

I wish we could stop with the liberal public schools, the liberal media, the liberal Hollywood, and the liberal music industry, but we can't.

It turns out we're going to have to get rid of the Bible. It's true. You knew there was always something vaguely communistic about that "turn the other cheek" business, but it's much, much worse than that. In the book of James, in the real part of the Bible (not that non-Jesus part), we find the following injunction:

And ye have respect to him that weareth the gay clothing, and say unto him, Sit thou here in a good place.

I think that our duty is clear. We must, from this time and ever after, work toward the removal of any mention of the Bible in public life, as well as the rejection of all of its tenets. Any book that would encourage us to respect people wearing "gay clothing" (could you get a more obvious reference to cross-dressing?)--and then instruct us to invite those people into our homes--well, we just can't stand for that. America will not stand for this usurpation of its upright heterosexual values by you, Holy Bible. Get thee hence.

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Saturday, November 20, 2004

Oh Mein Papa

Oh, mein papa, to me he was so wonderful
Oh, mein papa, to me he was so good
No one could be, so gentle and so lovable
Oh, mein papa, he always understood.

Gone are the days when he could take me on his knee
And with a smile he'd change my tears to laughter

Oh, mein papa, so funny, so adorable
Always the clown so funny in his way
Oh, mein papa, to me he was so wonderful
Deep in my heart I miss him so today

It's been a year, Pop. I still miss you.



Friday, November 19, 2004

Checking In

Due to unexplainable and truly mystifying computer problems, the kind that can't be fixed by the simple ingestion of a turkey sandwich and a soda, I've been unable to post lately.

Hopefully, we can get the Punch and Jude tech support division in action to fix this troublesome problem.

I'll have more when I can access my computer at home, I promise.



Tuesday, November 16, 2004

More Meat

If muskrat isn't up your alley, why not have a Monster Thickburger?

The AP is reporting that this beast of a sandwich pack 107 grams of fat. I think this is awesome. I just watched Super Size Me (an excellent film) but I think society is getting a little off track if we say that people aren't responsible for their own poor eating habits. So while McDonald's (the villain of Super Size Me) is scaling back its bad food and promoting new salads, Hardees is saying screw that, we make bad food, we know it, here's some more.

Finger lickin' good

I know Jude (that shameless carnivore) is licking his chops over this one, but what about the rest of us.

While the standard rat fare comes with potatoes and kraut, there are other possibilities, in theory.

Why not muskrat benedict?

Not a problem, says Kolakowski.

"Instead of ham, you just lift the rat meat off the bones and put it on poached eggs and hollandaise sauce," he said.

Thanks to Kelly J. who keeps me abreast on all the Detroit news.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

Pour Out Some Liquor

It's a dark day. Dark, indeed. One of America's finest artists has died.

Russell Jones, a.k.a. Ol' Dirty Bastard, a.k.a. Dirt Dogg, a.k.a. Unique Ason, a.k.a. Dirt McGirt, a.k.a. Big Baby Jesus, a.k.a. Osiris Cyrus, died today. He was 35. He collapsed in his studio in New York and was prounounced dead at 5:04 p.m.

You can find some of his fine, fine body of work here, here, and here.

RIP, Dirty.

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Thursday, November 11, 2004

Holiday Thoughts

I saw this at Steve Gilliard's place; he found it at Democratic Underground.

I think it's a good goddamn idea. These soldiers who have been sent into the meatgrinder, into the body-destroying, psyche-crippling, soul-crushing shithole that is Iraq--for no good goddamn reason--can't even call home on Uncle Sam's dime.

Ain't that some sorry shit?

I mean, does Jack Welch need his fuckin' tax cut that badly?

I've been on the receiving end of Uncle Sam's "generosity" a few times in my life, and this shit astounds even me. High holy living hell. Some poor bastards give their legs for this goddamn country, and we can't even spot them a few fucking telephone calls?

That must be compassionate conservatism.

Anyway, here's some real compassion that you can get involved with:

So sad...the number ONE request at Walter Reed hospital is phone cards. Because the priority of our government is to continue tax cuts for the likes of Paris Hilton, the government doesn't pay LD phone charges and these guys, many of them amputees, are rationing their calls home.

Many will be there throughout the holidays.

Remember that most are from poor families. It is disgusting that they cannot keep in touch with family after what they have been asked to sacrifice for BushCo; especially this time of year.

Support the troops -- cuz BushCo doesn't. Send phone cards of any amount to:

Medical Family Assistance Center
Walter Reed Medical Center
6900 Georgia Avenue, NW
Washington, DC 20307-5001

They say they need an "endless" supply of these -- any amount even $5 is greatly appreciated.

Send what you can. I know I will.

Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming up, and that's a lonely fucking time to be on deployment or--even worse--re-learning how to walk. A phone call to mom would mean more than all the gold in Fort Knox for a lot of these people.

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Veterans' Day

I'd like to remind all of you that it's Veterans' Day, known as Armistice Day on the other side of the pond. Eighty-six years ago today, the Great War finally, after just over four awful, bloody years, came to an end. Some eight-and-a-half million soldiers died in that war, plus about seven million civilians. The War to End All Wars, they called it.

How's that for a cruel historical joke?

Anyway, like I said, it's Veterans' Day, made an official holiday by a series of acts in June 1926, May 1938, and June 1954.

Take a look at what this day once meant (as opposed to it being an excuse for department store sales and empty bromides):

WHEREAS the 11th of November 1918, marked the cessation of the most destructive, sanguinary, and far reaching war in human annals and the resumption by the people of the United States of peaceful relations with other nations, which we hope may never again be severed, and
WHEREAS it is fitting that the recurring anniversary of this date should be commemorated with thanksgiving and prayer and exercises designed to perpetuate peace through good will and mutual understanding between nations; and
WHEREAS the legislatures of twenty-seven of our States have already declared November 11 to be a legal holiday: Therefore be it Resolved by the Senate (the House of Representatives concurring), That the President of the United States is requested to issue a proclamation calling upon the officials to display the flag of the United States on all Government buildings on November 11 and inviting the people of the United States to observe the day in schools and churches, or other suitable places, with appropriate ceremonies of friendly relations with all other peoples.

Wouldn't that be nice?

Oh, yeah--about our ultra-macho President and his buddies in Congress, who never miss an opportunity to talk about how much they looooooove the military, are (naturally) responsible for slashing veterans' benefits. Of course.

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Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Oh Yeah--I Almost Forgot To Mention

It looks like John Ashcroft (R-Choad) will no longer be in the Bush Administration. Great. Of course, he never should have been AG in the first goddamn place, and Alberto Gonzales (former Enron chief law-dude) is also an asshole, but still. I like seeing Ashcroft get shown the hatch.

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Kudos To Jon

Way to go Jon, for taking up the slack. I've been sitting around injecting bourbon directly into my arteries, watching the Simpsons, and cooking. Mmmmmm. Banana bread.

But I'm back now. And, unlike some other hosts of this web log, I happen to be older than 26. So I'm not going anywhere.

It's possible that I'll be hosting foot-shootin' parties at my house in the near future, should the need arise. I will provide the firearm and the bullet; it is your responsibility to anesthesize yourself in whatever way you see fit.

Yeah. Cheery days ahead. At least we have banana bread. And some new links!

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Tuesday, November 09, 2004

The Ain'ts

How miserable are the New Orleans Saints? Well ESPN says "We're really not sure how people root for this team. It must just make you sick to your stomach." And it does.

Rick Cleveland at the Clarion Ledger gives a more personal discussion about Saints Fans.

But if the Red Sox can do it . . .


What really scares Americans? This.


Sunday, November 07, 2004

Why did Bush win?

This article in the Daily Telegraph gives the best analysis of the differences between European and American majorities. Here's a taste.

When one examines Brian Reade's anatomy of redneck disfigurements -"gun-totin',military-lovin', abortion-hatin' " - most of them are about the will to survive,as individuals and as a society. Americans tote guns because they're assertive citizens, not docile subjects of a permanent governing class. They love their military because they think there's something contemptible about Europeans preening and posing as a great power when they can't even stop some nickel'n'dime Balkan genital-severers piling up hundreds of thousands of corpses on their borders.

Thanks to Volokh.
4 more years

What should Bush do during the next four years? BBC readers respond. Here's my favourite bit.

"As president of the country that accounts for less than 2% of the world population, yet 'produces' 27% of the world's pollution and uses 48% of the world's natural resources, Bush needs to develop a more responsible attitude to the global issues."

I'm not sure what the source is for these statistics, but it sounds fairly consistent with what I have seen in the past. I this is a fairly adequate response to those who say America's president shouldn't pander to the Europeans.

UPDATE: I'm a little shocked at the number of British citizens who feel that the president of the U.S. is in charge of bringing peace to Israel and Palestine. On one hand they think he shouldn't meddle in foreign affairs, and on the other they appear to give him an enormous burden in the same realm. Strange.


Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Dark Day

Someone check on Jude. Is he ok?


Tuesday, November 02, 2004


Well, the remote beat the computer. Three basketball games, six news networks, and (undisclosed number) beers. Good luck voters of America, hope my guy wins.

Remember to check out the NBA preview below.


Nader's on FOXNews. Has he done anything except write that book about shitty cars? Giuliani's back - oh God the make-up. His head has so much chalk I think he's about to mount the pommel horse with it.

It's becoming more clear that the election will not be finished tonight.

Jim Beam Black and Diet Vanilla Coke.

Shahz's cookies are "bootleg" - the brown sugar is old and hard (no comments please) and the chips are apparently old as well. But they smell good.

Pistons down by one at the break - up and down as usual. Play Darko!

Taking a break from the TV for a second, I'm checking on the BBC's coverage. Here's a bit.

Tucker Carlson is on CNN. Hehehehe - he makes me giggle. Hehe - silly little bowtie. Hehe - He's wearing a head mike. He's so funny.


CNN is the last network to call NC for Bush. They're obviously biased. Crazy left-wing media. They're also on the panel system. Wolf and Larry plus two other guys. Here come's Judy Woodruff, she went to school in NC and she's wearing ALL RED! OMG - talk about biased. Let's try to mix it up a little in 2008, ok?


From here on out I'll try to drop Rather's expressions in here when I get a chance. Here's to hoping the Pistons blow through the Rockets "like a tornado through a delta cottonfield."


Baking soda crisis. My roommate's still pessimistic and now she can't bake her cookies.

NBA time. Go Pistons. Owww, oww, shit, Ok. I'll change it back.


Bush voted in Crawford, TX. In a tin building. I miss the South.


The roommate is pesimistic. I have salt in my eye and I can hardly type. This brings us to:

FOX News: they have a team of people. A freakin' team. It's like the NFL draft, I keep expecting Mel Kiper Jr. to tell me how many pancake blocks Robert Gallery had last year. They also keep keep talking about 2000. Did I fall into a time warp? Why does everyone think things will be the same?

That other thing that's going on tonight

I guess you guys expected me to mention the election. Lot's of folks are worked up about it. I guess I can keep a running diary tonight because I don't plan on traveling to Copley, not after all that Red Sox stuff. I don't want to get killed by a non-lethal bullet.

So here's what I've seen thus far from NBC. Giuliani has an enormous forehead. Enormous. And right now it's caked in powder. He must travel with his own make-up crew. Ted Kennedy doesn't look red, did he forget to be Irish tonight?

More to come.

Well the big night has arrived

I'm sure we'll all be tuned in to the results, because we know what is ahead. You haven't heard much from us here at Punch and Jude about this lately, but that doesn't mean we don't care. In fact, between Moot Court and Fantasy Football, I've been spending a lot of time reading and researching, and consider myself something of an expert because I've always loved the contest. As such I have a lot to say and so without further ado:

The Punch and Jude 2004 NBA Season Preview (I know Jude's going to kick my ass for this)

Tonight on TNT we'll be watching the NBA's Best, Defending World Champions, the Detroit Pistons (- Okur + McDyess and Delfino) begin their title defense against the Rockets (- Stevie Franchise + T-Mac). They'll be followed by the Nuggets (most exciting team??) against the Lakers (Kobe + some other people).

Here's a few things to look out for as the season progresses, starting with the best conference:

The East:

The Pacers might have the most talent, but will they be able to get it together this year in the playoffs? Look for Reggie's decline to continue while Mississippi native Jonathan Bender takes his place as the go-to scorer. Bender has the potential to be a T-Mac type of guy but needs to emerge soon.

Luol Daaaang will live up to the hype like Jay Williams never could. He'll be better than Lebron was last year but won't get the attention. This has been confirmed by Punch roommate Papa Sho, a diehard Bulls fan.

Speaking of King James - he'll continue to improve but will never be the MJ everyone wants.

Boston will play better for Doc Rivers especially with LeFrentz coming back and Delonte West coming off the bench. But don't look for hard nosed defense from the guys they have there now.

I won't mention Charlotte because they aren't worth mentioning.

Finally from the East watch out for Punch favs 'Zo Mourning and Grant Hill coming back. Alonzo from a kidney transplant and Grant from a series of foot and ankle injuries for 4 years running.

Regarding Alonzo: The man had an organ replaced LESS THAN A YEAR AGO. Granted this isn't rugby, but there's plenty of banging on the blocks and East coast centers like Shaq, Jermaine, and Ben Wallace won't take it easy.

Regarding Grant: you gotta like the thinking man's basketball player (Remember the SC commercial where he plays the piano??). He'll try to get back on track once again and I'll be pulling for him.

The West:

A few guys have changed teams and we'll be watching closely to see how Vlade works with Kobe in L.A. T-Mac and Yao in Houston, and Nash with a buncha other guys in Phoenix that like to run.

The Mavs have a new face as well. After hanging his hat on Dirk, Mark Cuban is hoping that Jason Terry can take the place of Nash or at least be adequate trade bait for Kidd mid-year. Also Mississippi native Erick Dampier (last traditional American Center??) should add a new dimension down low.

The Kings are a strange bunch. Peja and Webber aren't happy. Miller is tough down low but plays a very different style than Vlade. But even with these questions they should win the division since the Clips, Lakers, and Warriors are worse. The Suns will play well and might topple Sacremento, but I would count on it.

I like T-Mac in Houston, but I keep wondering if Yao will ever be dominant or dependable as a scorer.

I like Boozer and Okur in Utah. They'll be good down low with Kirilenko. Plus they have USA killer Arroyo lighting it up and Jerry Sloan (are you kidding me, he's still here) on the bench. They're much different that the Jazz of old but should have a solid season.

I like Memphis but I don't know why. I think it's because I keeping wondering if Stromile Swift and Lorzen Wright are the same person. Are they ever on the floor at the same time? It would be stupid for the Griz to use up two roster spots on one guy, but imagine the press conference at his retirement when he tells everyone and they combine his stats as both players are realize he wasn't all that bad.

Finally Everyone loves the Spurs and the Wolves - two teams that couldn't make it past the Lakers last year. The Lakers got whipped by the Pistons who are better now than last year. So why do people think San Antonio and Minnesota can do it this year? Seriously, I have no idea.

I guess that's all I've got. Thanks for tuning in. I'll be sure and keep you all updated throught the season.

P.S. This is long and I'm not proofreading it. Bitches.
Goodbye, Old Friend

Jimmy Breslin has written his last regular column for New York Newsday.

Let there be weeping and wailing, and gnashing of teeth.

He did, of course, go out on a high note. I will, hopefully with Mr. Breslin's forgiveness, reproduce his entire column here for your enjoyment and enlightenment.

Why Kerry Will Beat Bush

Jimmy Breslin

November 2, 2004

One day last May, I assigned the election to John Kerry. I said it early, and often. As I looked more, I saw that it shouldn't even be close. I said that in this space more than once. Now I am so sure that I am not even going to bother to watch the results tonight. I am going to bed early, for I must rise in the darkness and pursue immediately an exciting, overdue project.

Besides, if I was up, so many people, upon seeing every word I said of this election coming true on television in front of them, would be kissing my hands and embarrassing me with outlandish praise. So I go to bed with total confidence. I will get up and stroll to other meadows. I invented this column form. I now leave, but will return here for cameo appearances. And I leave today as the only one in America who from the start was sure John Kerry would win by a wide margin. Let me tell you why.

This began when I noted that it was obvious, but overlooked that George Bush had lost the last election by 500,000 votes. He was close enough in Florida for it to be stolen in court.

The reason he was close was that Ralph Nader had 125,000 votes in Florida, most of whom would have voted for Gore.

Anybody who had voted for Gore four years ago would never vote for Bush.

So Bush started this campaign behind 500,000 votes.

Nor is there Nader. He has reduced himself to being the village idiot.

When I figured in the people shocked by the dead bodies of young Americans in Iraq, and brutalized here by unemployment, there was no way to make the election seem close. I said this in this newspaper several times.

Each time as I was typing, the words of the late great Harry (Champ) Segal kept shouting in my ear:

"Go naked on this one!"

When published reports showed a million new voter registrations in Florida and about 800,000 in Ohio, I made the election a lock. They were not rushing out for George Bush. And these poll takers were ignoring them. Any part of a million votes in Florida, most of them of color, would sweep the state.

The reporters said the nation was divided. They were afraid to say anything that might upset this view. You've been had by the news industry. Not once, even after the first debate when Kerry scored a technical knockout, did they take a step and call it as it happened. "War of Words" was the closest they could come.

Finally, one thing kept clawing at you. Cell phones. Long I have wondered how many there were. Everybody I know, smart people, politicians, news directors, thought that there were, oh, 40 million or so. I call the cell phone institute in Washington last Sept. 12. They told me that there were 165 million cell phones in use in the United States, That is 165,000,000. One month later, I asked again. It was up to 170 million -- 170,000,000. Yes, a great number also had land lines. But of this 170 million cell phone users there were 40 million between the ages of 18 and 29, and these people usually have no other phones.

That had to be Kerry.

Not one cell phone in the United States had been reached by a political poll. These old-line poll takers don't know who cell phone users were or where they lived.

So you were getting CBS/New York Times polls proclaimed as most important and real. One hundred seventy million cell phones and you don't poll one of them. The polls they are pushing at you in the news magazines, on the networks, in the big papers, are such cheap, meaningless blatant lies, that some of these television stations should have their licenses challenged.

They have a poll number for every one of the "battleground states." I'm awaiting the casualty list from Gettysburg.

Then a night or so ago, somebody finally tried a poll of cell phone users between the ages of 18 and 29. John Zogby conducted the survey in conjunction with Rock the Vote and the results showed Kerry at 55 percent and Bush at 40.

Then the Kerry people ran their own poll, which took a lot of work. It was the first time they had reached any cell phone users. The result was Kerry 59 and Bush 39.

Then I saw on television yesterday, and I hate to single him out, but he singled himself out, this fellow Bill Schneider on CNN and he is their election expert and he said that cell phones didn't mean anything. He's right. They didn't mean anything in 1950.

Oh, but these young people never vote, the tales read. They will this time, and because of a one-word issue.


Every time Bush, or one of these generals he has, stands up and says there will be no military draft, everybody young figures this means there probably will be one by January, which will put them in the real battlegrounds. They rush to register, and then today they go to the polls to vote.

Thanks for the use of the hall.

This is Jimmy Breslin's last regular column for Newsday. He will write from time to time.

So long, you crotchety old Irishman. Enjoy the new meadows.

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Monday, November 01, 2004

So That The Torch Of Liberty May Get You Torched

What would election night be without a drinking game?

Here's one courtesy of our good friend Errol.

You know you want to do it. Hell, you're probably drunk right now. So here's just another reason--the results of the election should, if you are a regular reader here, make you either very happy or extremely sad. And, whether it be joyous or sorrowful, every occasion is made better by our good friend CH3-CH2-OH.

That's right. Have you forgotten what your friend looks like? Here's a quick sketch:

What, you want a full color look? Okay.

Cute little guy, isn't he?

How about we look at our friend in his finest evening wear?

That's one nice tuxedo, Mr. Ethanol.

I know that there will be people around with their "alcohol is bad for you" bullshit, but hey--you're not going to let those fuckin' killjoys spoil election night, are you?

You know who doesn't like alcohol? Islamic extremists, that's who.

I'm sure you see where this is going.

If you don't get blotto on election night, then aren't you letting the terrorists win?

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