You Really Don't Even Need To Ask Where This Happened. You Already Know.

You guessed it.

Seriously, Florida. WTF?

NAPLES, Fla. (AP) — A woman who had her 13-year-old daughter's genitalia pierced to make it uncomfortable for her to have sex was acquitted of aggravated child abuse on Thursday.

The girl, now 16, had testified that her mother asked a friend in 2004 to shave the girl's head to make her unattractive to boys and later held her down for the piercing.

A jury deliberated for about three hours before deciding the mother's actions didn't involve punishment or malicious intent, or cause permanent damage or disfigurement.

The 39-year-old woman, whose name is being withheld to protect her daughter's identity, could have faced up to 30 years in prison if convicted of the charges.

The girl was not in court for the verdict. Her guardian declined comment.

"She was trying to protect me, but it hurt me," the girl testified earlier this week. "It not only hurt me physically, but it hurt me mentally. ... That's emotionally scarring. That's physical abuse."

Prosecutors said the mother called on a friend to shave the girl's head and do the piercing after realizing that she had been having sex, including with the mother's boyfriend.

Defense attorneys told jurors that the mother had trouble with her rebellious daughter and that the girl agreed to the piercing to help rebuild her mother's trust.

Child welfare officials were called after the girl became infected from the piercing.

Tammy Meredith, 43, who did the piercing in her home, was sentenced to a year in jail for her role. An arrest warrant has been issued for the mother's boyfriend on allegations he had sex with the girl.

Let's look at one part of that article again:

"A jury deliberated for about three hours before deciding the mother's actions didn't involve punishment or malicious intent, or cause permanent damage or disfigurement."

WHAT THE FUCK?

There's so much wrong with that entire story, I just don't know where to begin.

Come On, Guys

Come on, Packers.

You can do it.

Just hang on for five more minutes.

Please.

UPDATE: Wow. Way to put the "sudden" in sudden death. Great job, guys.

How?

Don't get me wrong. I'm glad it happened, as I'm rooting for the boys from the Olde Towne this fall.

But how the hell do you get picked off playing in the World Series?

How, ferchrissakes?

I've Got Some Bad News, and I've Got Some Good News (Brief Edition)

First, the bad news.

However, you don't have to be depressed about it.

Make It Stop

Gregg Easterbrook: About as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

I don't know why, but I read another goddam Gregg Easterbrook sports column today.

Now I'm stupid again.

Please, for the love of Jeebus, learn from my mistake. Don't read Gregg Easterbrook. Don't let your friends and family read him, either.

This Shit Is Hard to Believe

This is Glenn Beck.
He needs that microphone set on fire and rammed up his ass.

Glenn Beck has a show on CNN and a radio talk show. He's made lots of douchebaggy statements before, but he really raised the bar today.

He somehow drew a connection between people who "hate America" and the poor people losing their homes in and around San Diego today. Unlike the delusional religious cockbags, he doesn't even claim that it's some sort of divine retribution. No, he just glories in the loss of others for its own sake.

BECK: Schwarzenegger came out over the weekend and he said the Republicans need to run to the center and they need to grab the center. And the headline -- I looked at it, and I went "OK, OK, what is this? What is this? Oh, it's Schwarzenegger. I'm probably going to disagree with it." And then I started reading it, and I absolutely disagreed with it. He said they need to start talking about health care and education. That's not the way to win.

Let's talk about health care and education? That's not the way to win. That's not the way to win on any front. I'm not even talking about -- the least I care about is winning the election. How about winning the war? How about saving our country? And, you know, it made me think. I want to make this very clear. When I say on the air, and I've said it a lot lately, that we need to come together and we need to get back into the center, we're being pushed on to the edges -- I want you to understand, that is not on policies. I don't mean that we come in the center on policies. We come to the center on principles. We come back to the center of the melting pot, that we're all one America, that just because I disagree with you doesn't mean you hate America, and I love America. We all love America. We just disagree on how we should function, what we should do, big government, small government. It doesn't mean you hate America. I think there is a handful of people who hate America. Unfortunately for them, a lot of them are losing their homes in a forest fire today.

That's a direct quote. What could possibly make someone say such a thing? Is he:

1. deranged,
2. dead inside,
3. just a rotten piece of shit,
4. an accurate representative of the modern Republican Party, or
5. all of the above?
   

You know the correct answer.

Just what do these rotten bastards have to do to get fired?

Found over at First Draft.

Scratch Your Temple

Can you figure it out? I can't.

Dear Pennsylvania-based professional football head coaches, defensive coordinators, and teams:

The game is 60 minutes long. Please take note.

Thank you.

Seriously, Philadelphia. You let the Bears--the Bears!--drive 97 yards in 1:40 with no timeouts, and you give up the game-winning touchdown playing a soft defense? When they got down to your 15-yard-line, Andy Reid, and they stopped the clock by going out of bounds, why didn't you call a timeout? You had two left. The game clock wasn't going to start running again. Your defense was on its heels and needed a breather and a plan. You, however, let the Bears control the speed of the game, and they beat you. In your house. That fumble that was ruled a false start, though, wasn't your fault. That's a dumb-ass rule. Dumb-ass rules notwithstanding, you lost a game you should have won.

And you, Pittsburgh Steelers, you of the vaunted defense. You let a great fourth-quarter comeback count for nothing. You also let the Broncos score more points than they have all season. They scored eight fewer points against the Raiders, fergawdsakes. You gave up a 49-yard drive in the final 1:10, including an inexcusably stupid offsides penalty that gave Denver and extra five yards and, in effect, another timeout. Granted, you wouldn't have been guaranteed a win, but a chance in overtime is better than no chance as time expires.

Sweet jeebus, Eagles and Steelers. Rush three, drop eight. You know they're gonna pass. Maybe you can get a coverage sack. And, for the love of gnutella, can you jam their fucking receivers at the line? It's legal, you know, and it kind of disrupts their routes.

On a final football note--great job, Reggie Bush. You bulled through two dudes to get a touchdown when you really needed one. Outstanding play.

In baseball news, the Red Sox are headed to the World Series again. Let's hope they do as well as the last time they played for the MLB championship.

Craziness

Lookit the man in the fire.

So a bunch of people in Poland thing that they've seen the former Pope's image in flames.

Now, I haven't been a fan of the Catholic church since I was a wee lad. And I haven't been at all religious in many, many years. So I don't buy any of this crap for a second However, if I were a good Catholic, why would I want to see His Departed Holiness in flames? Wouldn't that send a very, very bad message to the faithful and any potential converts out there?

"Look! It's the Pope, contacting us from Hell!"

Not exactly inspiring stuff. Alternatively, given Holy Mother Church's past penchant for burning heretics at the stake, I don't think anyone should be bragging about seeing a Pope in a bonfire.

What else can you see in the flames? Here's what I came up with in a minute or so:

1. Koala bear silhouette
2. O.J. Running to the Hertz car rental counter
3. Wolverine's head
4. A random grouping of photons emitted due to the oxidation of a source of fuel
   

Criminy.

Improve Your Communication Skills

Like this, but funnier.

Courtesy of our favorite cartoonist, the lovely and talented Ms. Hobbes, we bring you the Douche Card.

When subtle hints and spoken reprimands just won't do, consider using the Douche Card.

Hallmark probably doesn't approve, but fuck 'em.

If the Douche Card doesn't work, however, you might consider the Visualize Bat.

Tools you can use.

Vomit-Inducing Headline of the Day Year Century Rest of Eternity

This shit has nothing on the following headline.

Michelle Malkin Quits O'Reilly After Nasty Three-Way

We guess Michelle Malkin won't be coming to town to guest-host for Bill O'Reilly anymore. She just quit forever, after a three-way conservative-pundit street fight that has left our minds reeling a little bit. For those weren't paying attention (we weren't, until now), what happened was this: Crazy attention whore Geraldo Rivera told the Boston Globe that crazy attention whore Malkin was "the most vile, hateful commentator I've ever met … It’s good she’s in D.C. and I’m in N.Y. I’d spit on her if I saw her.” Later, when O'Reilly asked him if he wanted to say something about it on the show because, he said, Malkin's "feelings were hurt." (Saying this he came across, weirdly, as almost grandfatherly and sane.) Rivera did apologized for his "ungentlemanly" and "ungallant" words — "I never spit!" he said — but couldn't help qualifying that he disagreed with everything Malkin said and basically indicating that he thought she was an asshole.

Then Ann Coulter chimed in and said Geraldo was an asshole, and furthermore that his overgrown mustache was full of tortilla chips and Michael Jackson's love juice. (No, she didn't, but if she had chimed in that's what we imagine she might have said.) Then Malkin referred to his mea culpa on her Website as "a whiny, effeminate, blame-the-victim bleat," and soon after decided that she wasn't going to be a victim of mean-spirited insults, and if anyone really loved her they could go over to her blog where she would be hurling them at others.

Thanks, New York magazine!

You fuckers.

1.6 Million Dollars? For That Shithole?

What a dump.

That's right. This is a toilet-shaped house. Amazingly, it isn't in Florida. It's in South Korea. Maybe it's something about peninsulas.

Sim Jae-Duck was born in a restroom and now he plans to live and die in one -- a 1.6 million dollar toilet-shaped house designed to promote his tireless campaign for cleaner loos worldwide.

Sim will open what is billed as the world's one and only toilet house on November 11 to mark the launch of his World Toilet Association.

The 419-square-metre (4,508-sq-foot) concrete and glass structure is rising on the site of Sim's former home in his native city of Suweon, 40 kilometres (24 miles) south of Seoul.

Before he moves in, anyone who is flush with funds can rent it for 50,000 dollars a day -- with proceeds going to his campaign to provide poor countries with proper sanitary facilities.

Apart from two bedrooms, two guestrooms and other rooms, the two-storey house -- of course -- features three deluxe toilets. Unlike the giant "toilet" in which they are located, they will not be see-through affairs.

"A showcase bathroom screened by a glass wall is located in its centre, while other toilets have elegant fittings or water conservation devices," Sim told AFP.

The showcase loo will feature a device producing a mist to make users feel secure. An electronic sensor will raise the lid automatically when people enter, and there will also be music for patrons.

The house, complete with a stream and small garden in front, is named Haewoojae, meaning "a place of sanctuary where one can solve one's worries".

Yes. Solve one's worries. Or something like that. Sheesh.

I Knew I Should've Waited

These two screeching harpies were joined by their lord and master, Satan, shortly after the above photo was taken.

It looks like I called "what the fuck" on the wrong story today. Sure, it's mildly bizarre that the family of George Gipp pulled his old bones out of the ground for DNA testing, but that's nothing compared to the latest from Ann Coulter.

During the October 8 edition of CNBC's The Big Idea, host Donny Deutsch asked right-wing pundit Ann Coulter: "If you had your way ... and your dreams, which are genuine, came true ... what would this country look like?" Coulter responded, "It would look like New York City during the [2004] Republican National Convention. In fact, that's what I think heaven is going to look like." She described the convention as follows: "People were happy. They're Christian. They're tolerant. They defend America." Deutsch then asked, "It would be better if we were all Christian?" to which Coulter responded, "Yes." Later in the discussion, Deutsch said to her: "[Y]ou said we should throw Judaism away and we should all be Christians," and Coulter again replied, "Yes." When pressed by Deutsch regarding whether she wanted to be like "the head of Iran" and "wipe Israel off the Earth," Coulter stated: "No, we just want Jews to be perfected, as they say. ... That's what Christianity is. We believe the Old Testament, but ours is more like Federal Express. You have to obey laws."

After a commercial break, Deutsch said that "Ann said she wanted to explain her last comment," and asked her, "So you don't think that was offensive?" Coulter responded: "No. I'm sorry. It is not intended to be. I don't think you should take it that way, but that is what Christians consider themselves: perfected Jews. We believe the Old Testament. As you know from the Old Testament, God was constantly getting fed up with humans for not being able to live up to all the laws. What Christians believe -- this is just a statement of what the New Testament is -- is that that's why Christ came and died for our sins. Christians believe the Old Testament. You don't believe our testament." Coulter later said: "We consider ourselves perfected Christians. For me to say that for you to become a Christian is to become a perfected Christian is not offensive at all."

Wow. Go read the entire transcript. This woman is fucking nuts. I wonder if Pammycakes regrets her previous support for Ann Coulter. Funny--Pammy hasn't commented just yet.

I, for one, think it's a great idea to let all the religious people be intolerant of one another. I've gotten awfully sick of all this "person of faith" bullshit lately. The precepts of different religions matter--if you make your religion a part of your public self, then said religion should be open to scrutiny. As it stands right now, people claim to be religious, then claim exemption from the examination of their beliefs. That's stupid.

A Thursday "What the Fuck?"

Let me be, goddammit!

It seems that the Gipp family, for undisclosed reasons, has exhumed the body of George Gipp for DNA testing. If you don't know who George Gipp was, he played football for Notre Dame early in the 20th century. He contracted pneumonia and died in his senior year.

So this unexplained disinterment is kind of bizarre. But leave it to ESPN to be extra classy by filming the entire thing. I don't know what kind of footage you could get from the exhumation of an almost ninety-year-old grave. But I'm not a television producer.

And who knew that the 1980 movie Airplane! would be prophetic?

The last thing he said to me, doc, he said, "Sometime when the crew is up against it, the breaks are beating the boys, tell them to get out there and give it all they got and win just one for the Zipper. I don't know where I'll be then doc, he said, but I won't smell too good, that's for sure.

Baseball

Cry, cry, cry, bitches.

I'm gonna talk about baseball today. And maybe football, but probably not. I would talk about the Frost family, but I get so fucking mad I can't see when I think about that story. You can find plenty of links to that, most of which contain far better writing than you'll see here. Sorry no-empathy-having motherfuckers on the extreme right. Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em all.

Anyway, the princelings of the Bronx got eliminated from the Major League Baseball postseason last night in a game that was far more one-sided than the final score would lead you to believe. The goddamn announcers were almost pulling for the Yankees--when they pulled to within three runs of the Indians, they were beside themselves with glee, saying stupid shit like "the Yankees are right back in this thing!" Uh, assholes? They're still down by three scores. Calm the fuck down. TBS announcers at the Yankee game: Fuck 'em.

Of course, the TBS announcers are nothing compared to the Yankee announcers. Suzyn Waldman broke down and cried on the air after the game. That's right. Cried. Over a team that she doesn't play for losing a game in which they played like shit from the opening pitch. Yankee announcers: Fuck 'em.

The crowd reaction shots at the end of the game, however, were priceless. All these smug, arrogant Yankee fans were just crushed that their team of superstars had just had their asses handed to them by Cleveland. "Cleveland? Isn't that somewhere close to St. Louis? Who's from there, anyway?" Yankee fans: Fuck 'em.

And fuck Joe Torre, crying little bitch. All things considered, though, he's head and shoulders above George Steinbrenner in the Quality-of-Human-Being department. Steinbrenner may be the worst boss since employers shot striking workers and their families. He's such an asshole, he could easily transition into a job with the Bush Administration--probably something like Secretary of Fucking Over Children Who Need Healthcare. That'd be right up his street. I hope the Yankees stay in the AL East cellar until that prick's mouldering in his grave. George Steinbrenner: Fuck 'im.

So that's my 2007 ALDS wrap-up. I hope Boston goes on to win the series, but I wouldn't mind seeing Cleveland take it all, either.

And, once again, just for the late, great Steve Gilliard: Fuck the fuckin' Yankees!

Take Cover

Trust me on this one.

Big news today. Not that you'd know if you looked at, say, the Today show. More breaking news about the ten-year-old death of Princess Diana! More on the missing British child! A nude photoshoot at Miami Beach! And so on.

No, no. The Israeli PM is talking about the division of Jerusalem as a step toward a Levantine peace agreement. It's kind of a half-assed division, but that won't stop the nuts in America from screaming about traitors and dhimmis and all the other cliches they love to bleat about from their secure remove on this side of the Atlantic.

And the Pammycakes explosion will commence in 5, 4, 3,...

Geaux Tigers

I eated a gator.

Great fourth-quarter comeback by LSU last night. Kudos to coach Les Miles for playing for a win rather than a tie. It was also fun to see USC lose to Stanford. Stanford? Damn.

Also, the less said about this week's Wisconsin and USM games the better.

Now if only we can have a good day in the pros, as opposed to last weekend's Make-Your-Bookie-Rich Sunday.

Benito Giuliani: Motherfucker of the Day

I know! I can't believe this idiots pay to hear me speak, either!

First there was the whole telephone thing--which isn't an isolated incident, by the way.

Now he's showing how racist he can be for the Republican primary voters.

Republican presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani campaigned Monday at a landmark South Philadelphia cheesesteak stand that grabbed headlines when it posted signs telling customers to speak English.

In June 2006, Geno's Steaks garnered national attention for posting two small signs stating, "This is America: When ordering 'please speak English.'"

Giuliani, who has toughened his stance on immigration policy since his time as mayor of New York City, said recently that all immigrants who want to become U.S. citizens should learn English. Giuliani also opposed the bipartisan immigration overhaul backed by President Bush.

Yet as mayor of New York, Giuliani often spoke positively about illegal immigrants, telling The New York Times in 1994, "If you come here, and you work hard, and you happen to be in an undocumented status, you're one of the people who we want in this city."

Giuliani denied changing his view on immigration.

"Immigration is wonderful," Giuliani said. "Immigration is the best thing we have going for us. We need new people. We need people who are going to inform us, give us new ideas, but it has to be legal.

"Illegal immigration is a bad thing."

Both Giuliani and Republican challenger Mitt Romney have spoken favorably of 2006 legislation providing a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants; they opposed a similar bill earlier this year.

Giuliani has pledged to closely track immigrants with tamperproof identity cards, bolster fencing and high-tech surveillance along the border with Mexico and deport illegal immigrants who commit felonies.

Geno's owner Joe Vento said he posted the signs because of concerns over immigration reform and the increasing number of people who could not order in English.

Vento said his grandparents struggled to learn English after arriving from Sicily in the 1920s, and insisted that no one has ever been turned away from his business for not speaking English.

A discrimination case by the city's human relations commission is pending against Geno's.

Geno's, along with cross-street rival Pat's King of Steaks, is crowded round-the-clock with tourists and locals lining up for the signature Philadelphia sandwiches.

Mega motherfuckery. If he wanted to prove he was racist, why didn't he just point to the record of the NYPD while he was mayor?

Giuliani's grandparents were immigrants. I kind of doubt they spoke the Queen's English, and I'd be willing to bet lots of money that they spoke Italian far more often than they spoke English (if, indeed, they ever learned it). That's just what immigrants do. Their children and grandchildren learn the language of their adopted homeland, but it's very fucking difficult for most adult humans to learn new languages.

Oh, and Geno's cheesesteaks suck ass, anyway.

Finally, have you noticed this striking similarity?

Brothers?

Slight edit for clarity.

What the Fuck?

No, seriously. What. The. Fuck?

This is Debra Cagan, Deputy Assistant Secretary for Coalition Affairs to Defense Secretary Robert Gates. That's right. She's a government official, and she looks like a middle-aged refugee from a Kraftwerk cult.

Oh, and she said something amazingly stupid from an international-relations point of view, as well. Hit the link to find out.

Are the people in charge these days trying to make our country a punch line for the next 1,000 years? If so, then Mission Fucking Accomplished.

A friend captured my reaction to seeing the above photo: