Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Rudy Giuliani, Reference Groups, and Rampant Motherfuckery

Poor Rudy. I feel for him.

Vanity Fair has a profile of Judith Stish Ross Nathan Giuliani (the third iteration of Mrs. Giuliani for Rudy) in this months issue.

Check this out:
And when she met Giuliani, Felder adds, he didn't have much money, either, "because Rudy was living on a mayor's salary"—$195,000 a year—"and had no inherited wealth, and was supporting his family very, very well."
Raoul Felder was Rudolph "Benito" Giuliani's divorce lawyer, the one that Rudy sent out to publicly humiliate his then-wife, Donna Hanover. The way Giuliani treated his family during that divorce should go down in the annals of motherfuckery. Felder, sonofabitch that he is, also represented Judith blah blah blah Giuliani a few years ago in a custody battle over a child from a previous marriage.

But about that paltry mayor's salary--this shit makes me sick.

Since when is $200,000 not "much money"? Boo fucking hoo. The median household income in 1999 (warning: PDF), when the already-married Giuliani met this woman, was just a hair under $42,000/year. His salary would have put Rudy in the top 2.4% of all income earners in the US then.

As far as how much money he had to pay in alimony: If he hadn't been such a colossal douchebag to his ex-wives, he wouldn't have had to pay out as much cash.

Who the fuck are these people comparing salaries with? "Only" $200,000? I've been hanging out with the wrong people my entire life, apparently, since I am under the impression that a six-figure salary is pretty fucking good. Especially when you live in Gracie Mansion and don't pay any rent. Only 200 G's. I'll file that under "Problems I Wish I Had."

Check out James Wolcott's take on this piece. But I should warn you--you'll laugh out loud, and maybe throw up in your mouth a little.

Originally found over at InstaPutz, your clearinghouse for mockery of Glenn Reynolds (InstaCracker to some) and Ann Althouse (The Shrieking Harpy of Wisconsin).

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Monday, July 30, 2007

Where Else but Florida?

If you think a sign like this is unnecessary, you've obviously never visited Florida.

We haven't been on the "kick Florida out of the Union" tip in a while, but I figured this story needed to be drawn to your attention.

The sheriff and chief jailer in Broward County, Florida, is bringing criminal charges against county jail inmates for--I swear to god I am not making this up--masturbating. Yes. In addition to making baby Jeebus cry, masturbating in the Broward County Jail can now buy you another sixty days in lockdown. Seriously.
[Sheriff Ken] Jenne, as sheriff and chief jailer in Broward County, has launched a crackdown on self-abusing miscreants. It's no longer enough to warn hairy-palmed drooling deviants that self-indulgence risks stunted growth, blindness, sallow skin, slackened jaws, amnesia, shrunken testicles, impotence and, for Catholics in particular, eternal damnation. Jenne wants jail time.

And, late Wednesday afternoon, in a triumph of creative law enforcement, masturbation in the county jail became a criminal pleasure. Good for another 60 days behind bars.

Sheriff Jenne, with help from the office of State Attorney Mike Satz, who has taken on additional duties as Broward's dean of boys, notched a law enforcement triumph when a county court jury convicted Terry Lee Alexander, 20, of going at it in his cell last November.

At the time of the offense, Alexander was punished with 30 days without TV, music, exercise time and other jail house perks. But obviously self-abuse demands a criminal charge and a full-blown jury trial, and two prosecutors, and a court-appointed taxpayer-paid defense lawyer and six jurors (and an alternate), and a judge, and a court reporter, and a couple bailiffs, and a pretrial deposition, and a daylong trial.

Not that any of the time and expense of a trial would have any actual effect on the life of the defendant. Alexander was already looking at 10 years for a robbery conviction. But the trial was clearly intended to send a message from the sheriff and state attorney to other sex fiends lurking in their lock-up.

The sheriff's critics, of course, might find the prosecution of a masturbation case curious given the burst of violent crimes that has beset the county lately. They might also point out that Sheriff Jenne, who's feeling the heat of a federal criminal investigation himself, may come to appreciate the sexual needs of a lonely inmate.

And there's also the lingering issue of what seems to be a spectacular case of selective prosecution. The prosecution's only witness, jailer Coryus Veal, testified Wednesday afternoon, ``They had warned me about what goes on there.''

Indeed, "they" were right.

Deputy Veal initiated criminal charges against eight inmates (Four, so far, have taken plea deals while three others await trial.) for what may be the most flouted violation in the history of jails, boarding schools, seminaries and military barracks. And who knows what goes on underneath those flowing black judicial robes.

Technically, Alexander faced charges of indecent exposure, with lots of lewd, lascivious, wicked, deviant, etc. tacked on. He also faced the prosecution's tortured contention that his jail cell qualified as a "public place."

In the course of the one-day trial, prosecutor Cynthia Lauriston and Veal managed to describe Alexander's offense in startling detail, eight times, once with Lauriston approximating the action with arm motions. It was hard to imagine the original act could have had a much more lascivious effect than the lurid stuff those poor women had to utter, over and over, in Courtroom 417 Wednesday.
God damn, that's stupid. How much you wanna bet Sheriff Jenne votes Republican? Although I think I would have paid to see a goddam DA pantomime jerking off in a courtroom.

Found over at Racy Mind.

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All Aboard!

Yeah, the Schadenfreude Express is gonna be crowded today.

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Undeserving twat Paris Hilton is out sixty million dollars because her grandfather got tired of seeing her intoxication, embarrassing run-ins with the law, and, well, Paris Hilton's twat drag down his name. If that whole "pleasure taken from someone else's misfortune" has ever been appropriate, now is the time.

There just might be a Jeebus, after all.



Thursday, July 26, 2007

Yeah, I'm Busy. You Kids Go Play Outside

Don't forget your knives!

Sorry I haven't had much lately. Busy busy busy. In the meantime, read some of the fine links over to the right.

Or, you could read this hilarious piece at Fire Joe Morgan!
So, then, hre is what ARod's presence is worth to the 2007 Yankees: a chance at the playoffs. Without him this year, they are right now trading veterans for prospects and looking to 2008. Joe Torre has been fired. Brian Cashman has been fired. Lindsay Lohan is running the team. Billy Crystal is in jail for war crimes. Paul Simon has burned down Jack Nicholson's house. Anarchy.

Fuck the fuckin' Yankees. And their fuckin' fans. Even though he's got no charisma, Alex Rodriguez is a great ballplayer. He's not a politician--charisma shouldn't matter. The guy is keeping the Yankees out of the AL East basement this year, and all he gets is ration of shit after ration of shit.

Thanks a lot, Yankee fans and NY sports media. You've made me feel sympathy for a guy who'll make a quarter of a billion dollars playing a game for a living. You fucks.

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Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Hail to the King, Baby

This is my boomstick. Now get me these new Reese's cups.

In honor of Elvis Presley, Hershey's is going to produce peanut butter cups with banana creme. This may be the greatest idea since the Mallo Cup.

Oddly, the Hershey people are not using pictures of old, fat Elvis in their campaign. Where are the truth in advertising people when you need them?


Further Thoughts on Michael Vick, Douchebag

More on dogfighting

I was thinking a little more about Vick, and I kind of hope he plays for Atlanta this year, but only on a couple of conditions.
  1. This guy loves dogs.
  2. So does this one.

That is all.

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Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Well, if Ray Lewis Could Beat a Murder Rap, You Never Know

Not this kind of dogfighting.

I know this is an indictment, not a conviction, but damn.

I guess Michael Vick got tired of everyone thinking that Barry Bonds was the biggest jerk in sports. Way to up the ante, douchebag.

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Monday, July 16, 2007


Sixty-two years ago today, humans detonated the first atomic bomb. It seemed like a date worth noting.

Here's a short clip from Peter Kuran's documentary film Trinity and Beyond. It's a pretty good film, if you're interested in that sort of thing.


Quote of the Day

Behold, the One Commandment!

Today's pithy goodness:

"The type of intoxicant is not as important as the presence of one."

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Sunday, July 15, 2007

Sweet Zombie Jesus

P(this person being a good parent) < 0.0001

Here are two people that won't be getting lots of Father's and Mother's Day cards:
A couple who authorities say were so obsessed with the Internet and video games that they left their babies starving and suffering other health problems have pleaded guilty to child neglect.

The children of Michael and Iana Straw, a boy age 22 months and a girl age 11 months, were severely malnourished and near death last month when doctors saw them after social workers took them to a hospital, authorities said. Both children are doing well and gaining weight in foster care, prosecutor Kelli Ann Viloria told the Reno Gazette-Journal.

Michael Straw, 25, and Iana Straw, 23, pleaded guilty Friday to two counts each of child neglect. Each faces a maximum 12-year prison sentence.

Viloria said the Reno couple were too distracted by online video games, mainly the fantasy role-playing "Dungeons & Dragons" series, to give their children proper care.

"They had food; they just chose not to give it to their kids because they were too busy playing video games," Viloria told the Reno Gazette-Journal.

Police said hospital staff had to shave the head of the girl because her hair was matted with cat urine. The 10-pound girl also had a mouth infection, dry skin and severe dehydration.

Her brother had to be treated for starvation and a genital infection. His lack of muscle development caused him difficulty in walking, investigators said.

Verdict: These n00b parents are not among the 1337.

Stupid dorks.



Saturday, July 14, 2007

Happy Bastille Day

Allons enfants de la Patrie,
Le jour de gloire est arrivé!

Go have some wine and cheese, then storm a tower or two.

Vous bâtards.



Thursday, July 12, 2007

Nerd Shit

It's not quite like this.

I'm sure you've heard that atoms are mostly empty space. It's true, but it's really difficult to conceptualize that. So we here at Punch and Jude, with an assist from Errol, would like to help.

Check this out. It's pretty cool, in a nerdy way.


Be a Pal

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Yeah, be a pal, would ya?

You've only got one day left to donate to Relay for Life. You know you want to. It's easy. Just click the link.

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Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Happy Birthday, Boat

It's the twentieth birthday of the USS Helena SSN-725. This Los Angeles-class attack submarine was commissioned on this day in 1987. I lived and worked there for over four years. Happy birthday to the "Proud and Fearless." While I don't particularly miss you, I wish you smooth sailing, successful patrols, and safe voyages home.



Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Won't You Pwease Donate?

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I'll wuv you fowever if you do.

Hey! You've only got a couple of days left to donate to my Relay for Life team!

Get off your duffs and do it. Listen to the puppy.

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Amusing Video

First, you have to watch CNN's "fact checking" of Michael Moore's new movie:

Now, watch as Moore hands Wolf Blitzer his own ass:

As the kids would say, Blitzer just got pwn3d.

Nice liberal media we've got, isn't it?

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Monday, July 09, 2007

More Good Fucking News

Head x-ray of Paul Wolfowitz, Iraq War Architect

Iraq continues to be teh bestest furrin policy decision evah!!!1!!
The Turkish army has 140,000 soldiers along its border with northern Iraq as part of a "great mobilisation", Iraqi Foreign Minister Hoshiyar Zebari said on Monday.

Turkey's armed forces have urged its government to allow an incursion into neighbouring, mainly Kurdish, northern Iraq to crush up to 4,000 Turkish Kurdish militants who use the region as a base to attack security and civilian targets inside Turkey.

Rumours of a possible Turkish incursion have rattled financial markets and have drawn warnings from the United States, Ankara's NATO ally, to stay out of Iraq.

"There is a great mobilisation on Iraq's northern international border that the security services and intelligence (agencies) estimate at more than 140,000 military personnel with all sorts of equipment," Zebari told a news conference.

Asked to confirm the number, Zebari, who is himself a Kurd, said it was 140,000.

While Turkey has not said how many troops had been sent to the border, it had been believed to be in the tens of thousands.

Tensions have soared along the mountainous border region following an upsurge in attacks across Turkey that Ankara has blamed on Kurdistan Workers Party (PKK) militants.
Once again, it's so comforting to have "the grown-ups" in charge. These serious, manly Republicans are so much better than the squishy, effete Democrats, who wouldn't have the cojones to bog us down in an unwinnable war in the Middle East, occupying a country that didn't have anything to do with the al-Qaeda attacks almost six years ago. Thank Jeebus for the strong, visionary Republicans who have the guts to do what those weak-ass Democrats can't.

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Sunday, July 08, 2007

Look Here

Surface contact, bearing 248. Designate contact Victor-1.

My little brother hath a blog. Not that the motherfucker would link to me or anything.

Check it out. If you can't find enough anger here, that is.

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Friday, July 06, 2007

Great. Just Great.

We'd better hire these people in a hurry.

Well, it was bad enough that we had to worry about al-Qaeda. Now it's worse. Zombie al-Qaeda.
The U.S. command in Baghdad this week ballyhooed the killing of a key al Qaeda leader but later admitted that the military had declared him dead a year ago.

A military spokesman acknowledged the mistake after it was called to his attention by The Examiner. He said public affairs officers will be more careful in announcing significant kills.

The incident shows the eagerness of the command to show progress in dismantling al Qaeda at a time when Democrats and some Republicans are pressing President Bush to withdraw troops from Iraq. Army Gen. David Petraeus, the top U.S. commander, has declared al Qaeda enemy No. 1 in Iraq.

Brig. Gen. Kevin Bergner began his Monday news conference with a list of top insurgents either killed or captured in recent operations. He said they had been eliminated "in the past few weeks" and were "recent results."

"In the north, Iraqi army and coalition forces continue successful operations in Mosul," he told reporters. "Kamal Jalil Uthman, also known as Said Hamza, was the al Qaeda in Iraq military emir of Mosul. He planned, coordinated and facilitated suicide bombings, and he facilitated the movement of more than a hundred foreign fighters through safe houses in the area." All told, Bergner devoted 68 words to Uthman's demise.

Uthman was indeed a big kill, and the military featured his death last year in a report titled "Tearing Down al Qaeda."

"The more we can bring down al Qaeda and other terrorist organizations, the greater probability of reducing violence," Army Maj. Gen. William Caldwell, the command's chief spokesman said, in 2006.

Uthman was listed in the 2006 news release as "the chief of military operations [in] Mosul."

When The Examiner pointed out that Uthman's death had been announced twice, a command spokesman said in an e-mail, "You are correct that we did previously announce that we killed him. This was a roll up to show an overall effort against [al Qaeda in Iraq]. We can probably do a better job on saying 'previously announced' when we do long-term roll ups to show an overall effort."

Note the lame attempt by government officials to allay civilian panic. Which is more likely, after all? That the US Government made a mistake with respect to Iraq, or that terrorist zombies are coming to bite us all?

I say we need to bite them there, or we'll be biting them here. Or something like that. Just get me a high-paying gig with the American Enterprise Institute, and I'll start churning out plans for battling the zombies while continuing to cut taxes on the wealthy.

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Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Relay Time

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Donate, or the fennec gets it.

Hey, everyone. I've decided to do a much reduced Relay for Life begging initiative this year. If you have a few dollars, click this link and donate to a worthy cause.

Please. Think of the poor fennec. And let's kick some cancer ass this year.


Further Thoughts on George Bush, Motherfucker-in-Chief

Lookit the dumb motherfucker

I was thinking about what George Bush, motherfucker that he is, did yesterday. You know, the whole commuting "Scooter" Libby's sentence thing. Check out his statement:
I respect the jury's verdict. But I have concluded that the prison sentence given to Mr. Libby is excessive. Therefore, I am commuting the portion of Mr. Libby's sentence that required him to spend 30 months in prison.

My decision to commute his prison sentence leaves in place a harsh punishment for Mr. Libby. The reputation he gained through his years of public service and professional work in the legal community is forever damaged. His wife and young children have also suffered immensely. He will remain on probation. The significant fines imposed by the judge will remain in effect. The consequences of his felony conviction on his former life as a lawyer, public servant and private citizen will be long-lasting.

Think about the rampant motherfuckery in that statement. When George W. Bush was governor of Texas, 152 death penalty cases came before him. He sent 152 people to the great beyond. He didn't even give those cases cursory review. But 30 months for fellow motherfucker "Scooter" Libby is "excessive"? What a motherfucker. And an asshole.

How much of an asshole is George W. Bush? Look here to find out.

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Monday, July 02, 2007

George Bush Is a Motherfucker

He's a dumb motherfucker, at that.

Seriously. If you hear that Bush is visiting your town, put your mom on a plane out of there post haste. If she's in town when he arrives, George Bush will surely fuck your mother. Why? Because that's what motherfuckers do. That, and commute the sentences of certain assholes, thereby allowing them to retain Fifth Amendment clamming-up rights. Rather than a pardon, this commutation means that Libby (who is himself a motherfucker) can still appeal his sentence. Thus, he can still keep his piehole shut when questioned. In case you forgot, Libby was the chief of staff for world-class motherfucker Dick Cheney. He recently received a thirty month prison sentence for his four felony convictions (returned by the jury in March).

Samuel Johnson once said that "Integrity without knowledge is weak and useless, and knowledge without integrity is dangerous and dreadful."

I wonder what Sammy J would make of George Bush, who is a motherfucker devoid of both integrity and knowledge.

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Independence Day

It's coming soon. Since I never get tired of it, I once again share this completely factual review of the life of George Washington.


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