Limbaugh: Still Ten Pounds of Shit in a Five-Pound Sack

Rush Limbaugh, undated file photo.

I'd like to meet the estimable (as in, "Guess how much of a douchebag he is") Rush Limbaugh one day.

And kick him square in his shriveled little nuts.

Once again, for the record, this fuckmook avoided going to Vietnam. But he thinks he can talk shit about people who have had their ass in the grass and then criticize the leaders who put them there. Bull. Fucking. Shit.

"Phony soldiers."

Christ, he's a rotten excuse for a human being.

Unabashed Motherfuckery

Republican Jesus loves us. That's all we need.

You wanna see some motherfuckery in action? Go check out the Family Research Council's "prayer team" assignment this week.

You see, God hates health care for all citizens. Betcha didn't know that, did you? For extra credit, look up the Bible verses they cite as support. Nah, fuck that. I'll just put them here.

Exodus 15:26: And said, If thou wilt diligently hearken to the voice of the LORD thy God, and wilt do that which is right in his sight, and wilt give ear to his commandments, and keep all his statutes, I will put none of these diseases upon thee, which I have brought upon the Egyptians: for I am the LORD that healeth thee.

Looks to me like that's a pretty specific injunction regarding how the Hebrews in the Sinai were to behave to avoid the plagues and such that Yahweh God had previously sent on the Egyptians. You know, before he got pissed at them and made them wander around in the fucking desert for forty years. But what the fuck do I know?

Mark 12:17: And Jesus answering said unto them, Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar's, and to God the things that are God's. And they marvelled at him.

I have no fucking idea why they included this one. If the government (which, technically, is us) decides that health insurance should be universal and paid for through taxation (like, you know, all the other fucking industrialized countries in the world), then couldn't you cite this verse as support of universal health care? I don't get why this verse used in an attempt to bolster their position.

John 10:10: The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.

Again, I don't know exactly what these dipshits are getting at here. This verse appears as part of Jesus' Parable of the Good Shepherd, where Jesus talks about how he cares for his flock, says he'll die for them, and hints at his own divinity. Also, you could cite this verse as Jesus' support for medical care for everyone--wouldn't that mean having life, and having it more abundantly?

A little later on in this prayer injunction, Anthony Perkins (no, that's really his name) rails against the SCHIP program, too. I guess he interprets Jesus saying "Suffer the little children to come unto me," he thinks that means that Christ wants lots of sick kids to die so they can go to heaven. Or something.

At least the fuckin' Christian Scientists are consistent with this shit. No health care for anyone, not just the poor.

Funny. You never see these "Christian" Republicans quoting things like "Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me." That's Matthew 25:40, in case you were wondering.

The Christian religion doesn't support one or another political party. I'm not religious, but when I see these charlatan motherfuckers waving religiosity around as a way to support a regressive social agenda, it makes me angry. Are there any religious people out there that are personally offended by these cheap tricks? If so, why don't we ever hear from them?

Thanks to the Rude Pundit for the link.

Just A Closer Walk

Off to St. Louis Cemetery to bury the Saints' season.

Please, please, please, New Orleans Saints--stop.

Just stop.

Must...resist...urge...to...put...bag...on...head.....

Dear Packers

I'm sorry I doubted you today. Please forgive me. At least I didn't bet against you.

Love,

Jude

P.S. That was a hell of a game. Thanks.

In Which We Learn More About How We Have All Been Affected By The Fucked-Up "Morals" Of A Few Preening Douchebags

Ken Burns has a new documentary coming out. This one's about World War II, and is entitled, simply, The War. It's kind of a last chance to get a lot of first-person perspectives about the war on record. Like his other movies, this one will no doubt be very thorough, and it will probably move at a snail's pace.

Now, you'd probably think that a thorough documentary about war would contain some awful images, and you'd be right. But that's not what has a few people's knickers in a twist. PBS has sent two copies of the film to its stations. Why? Because of dirty words. The stations are nervous about FCC fines if they air the uncut version.

Four dirty words. Two of which are in acronyms--FUBAR and SNAFU--and aren't really even spoken, if I understand correctly. The other two are "shit" and "asshole."

So, if you're keeping score at home:

Images of people on fire, decapitations, stabbing, evisceration, and all manner of human suffering: Okay.

Saying the word "asshole": Verboten.

Four words in fifteen hours of film.

Now, because of the special place accorded to war (especially to World War II) in our society, it's not very likely that the FCC would hand down fines for this particular movie. But the fact that PBS is nervous enough to distribute two copies of this film to all its affiliates is a god-damned shame. And the fact that the FCC probably won't care because this film is about war is equally to be lamented.

Once more, with feeling: If you don't like the content of a particular program, change the motherfucking channel, asshole. And maybe, just maybe, consider what you consider offensive and why.

A quick aside about SNAFU. During the war, the US Army contracted with Warner Brothers Studios to produce a series of short animated films about the misadventures of a character named--wait for it--Private Snafu. That's right. The private was created by Frank Capra, some of the stories were written by Dr. Seuss, the voices were provided by Mel Blanc, and the films were produced by Leon Schlesinger and directed by such animation legends as Friz Freleng, Chuck Jones, and Bob Clampett. If you've watched a lot of Bugs Bunny cartoons, those names will look very familiar to you.

Private Snafu had two brothers--Tarfu and Fubar.

Hilarious

Blog this, motherfucker.

Some days, Fark really kicks ass.

Today is one of those days.

Ahoy!

Stand fast, ye cowardly dogs!

Ahoy, mates! Today be Talk Like a Pirate Day! Stand ready--sail spotted three points off the port bow. We've got the weather gauge, and we'll be on 'em afore the day is out. A gold crown fer the bloodthirsty savage what lands the first grapple t' that hull!

Jon, I dare you to talk like a pirate all day at work. I'll bet you won't do it. You don't have the balls. No balls!

My Apologies

Yesterday, this would have seemed like a good idea to me.
(Click to enlarge)

I didn't post anything yesterday--sorry.

I read a Gregg Easterbrook column in the morning, and caught one of those 24-hour stupids that you're prone to get when you read that dreck.

Fortunately, I didn't do any online shopping, and I managed to wake up today without having purchased a time share. So it could've been worse.

Fuck the Fuckin' Yankees, Part MDCLXVIII

Thanks for being such a class act, Shelley.

Yeah, you're a New York Yankee.

Yeah, the Boston fans always give you shit.

But when a kid asks you for an autograph, just be a man, sign the fucking thing, smile at the kid, and go on with your life. Asshole.

Talk about sore winners.

Griffin Whitman, a 10-year-old Red Sox [team stats] fan from Swampscott, was excited to attend his first Yankees vs. Red Sox game Friday night. The young autograph -collector was even more thrilled to score Yankees outfielder Shelley Duncan’s signature before the game. That is, until Griffin read the message from the 27-year-old rookie: “Red Sox suck! Shelley Duncan.”

“It was cool to get his autograph,” Griffin said. “It didn’t make me feel happy when he wrote that.”

The goddam game hadn't even started yet. Way to ruin a kid's night at the park. You cocksucker. It's only Monday, and you've won Douchebag of the Week.

Dear New Orleans Saints

Oh Saints, hear my plea.

Dear New Orleans Saints:

When you come back out of the locker room after the half, could you please make sure that you leave all of the suck behind?

Thanks. We'd appreciate that.


UPDATE, 2 pm: You fuckers just don't listen, do you? Don't make me stock up on these:

If this kind of play keeps up, the bags will be back.

Actual, For-Real, No Shit Good News

Looking up

Mychal Bell is no longer looking at 20+ years in Angola.

His aggravated battery charge was thrown out of court.

This is excellent news. Bell is one of the "Jena Six," a group of African-American students in tiny Jena, Louisiana, who got in a fight with some white kids after some shit that even I was surprised to hear about. Jena, by the way, is in cracker Louisiana, not Cajun Louisiana. Earlier in the school year, a few black kids sat under a tree whose shade had traditionally only been enjoyed by white kids. Sounds silly, right? Wrong. This shit is dead serious. Informal segregation over the pettiest shit is still very common all over the US, not just down South. However, the response by some of the white kids was fucking shocking. The next day, three nooses were hanging from the tree.

Fucking nooses.

That is an un-fucking-mistakable message in a place where, in living memory, lynching was common.

The kids who hung the nooses were suspended for a few days.

Some days later, in what may be an unrelated incident (and if a frog had wings he wouldn't hit his ass every time he hopped), these six children were indicted--originally for attempted murder--for beating up a white child at school. Bell was tried and convicted of aggravated battery. By an all-white jury. Really. He could've gotten 22 1/2 years in prison.

This is only a thumbnail sketch. If you don't know all about what happened in Jena, read up on it. The Group News Blog, for one, has been on this story since the beginning.

Charges against two of the other six boys have also been reduced. The other three charges need to be changed, but this is a very, very good start. I thought that, when you got in a fight at school, you got a few days' suspension. They shouldn't even face juvie charges for this shit.

Dark Day

Some days are so awful that they deserve notice.

Thirty-three years ago today, I was born. This inauspicious event, down in sleepy Biloxi, Mississippi, has led to untold sadness for millions around the world.

There's no excuse for my existence; as I was conceived after Roe v. Wade, my parents could have chosen not to burden the planet with my existence. That my mother carried me to term says something about her misanthropy.

So weep a little bit today--for humanity, for the world, and for the fact that I continue to exist.

Not only that, I'm not going anywhere soon. I've got another forty years left in me fueled just by spite alone.

Thank You, T. Herman Zweibel

Yes. Yes, indeed.

How long do you think it'll be before Mr. Falafel denounces the Onion as a leftist hate-site?

Maybe We Should Try Coddling The Terrorists

I want to make myself clear, right from the get-go: I hate terrorism. Those of you who follow the Factor know that I have never been a fan. Never will be either. I think what they do, particularly to children, violence-wise, is unforgivable.

That said, I'm beginning to suspect that we've been going about this War on Terror all wrong. Before, I said we should treat the terrorists like the vile dogs that they are. But even vile dogs respond well to getting patted once in a while. So perhaps the best way to stop these jihadists from destroying our way of life is to do what the liberals have been proposing all along: start coddling them.

The "blame America first" crowd wants to invite these crazed Islamic extremists to visit Main Street USA, and I say let's give it a shot. Let's invite them into our homes, put them up in the guest bedroom with the good linens, and fluff up their pillows real nice. But let's not stop there. Let's take those heartless murderers out to our finest restaurants, order them appetizers and wine and dessert and then pick up the tab.

Look, folks, we don't really have a lot of options left. We've spent six long years fighting this war, and I don't feel any more safe than I did when we began. So why not call up this Muqtada al-Sadr fellow and tell him that the whole Iraqi shooting match is his for the taking?

Now, I haven't gone soft. I've never taken the easy road and I'm not about to start. Make no mistake, terrorists are no better than cockroaches. But as with cockroaches, if you see one, that means there are dozens more, and the more you kill them, the more there seem to be. We've tried isolating these bloodthirsty killers, bombing them, waterboarding them, locking them away in secret prisons, and still they hang on. But you know what we haven't tried? Rolling out the red carpet and treating them like royalty.

Take Osama bin Laden, for example. He's still a sworn foe of mine, but trying to smoke him out of his hole hasn't been working too well. We can't seem to find this guy through violence and intimidation, so let's send him a fruit basket instead. Let's pamper him and the rest of his evil band of freedom haters.

I know I've been saying for years that we're fighting them in Baghdad so we don't have to fight them in Boston. That hasn't been working out so well, and maybe it was the wrong strategy all along. Perhaps we can book them a few flights into town, make them the guests of honor at a fancy-schmancy tea party, and ask them what we did wrong to make them hate us so much in the first place. We'll eagerly listen to their demands, and immediately cave in to them. I don't care how outlandish those demands are, just give these folks what they want. We're a rich nation; we can afford it.

Folks, here's the bottom line: I don't want to die.

There's a bit more, and it's oh so good.

Cross-posted at First Draft.

Everything About This Is Funny



Stolen, without regret, from the Group News Blog.

Enjoy!

Even More Good Fucking News

¡Ay yi yi! ¡No me gustan las abejas!

Great. Just fucking great.

Like the people of New Orleans didn't have enough shit to worry about already. The federal flood, levee problems, fucking FEMA, no-bid contracts, and now? Killer bees.

Africanized honeybees, a fierce hybrid strain sometimes referred to as "killer bees," appear to have established themselves in the New Orleans area, the state agriculture commissioner said.

A swarm of the bees was captured about five miles from where demolition workers found a colony of Africanized bees in January, commissioner Bob Odom said Tuesday.

The most recent find was close enough to the earlier find that the bees might have come from the same colony. But they might also have flown ashore from a passing ship or barge, Odom said in a news release.

"Although the exact source can't be identified, we have to assume Africanized honeybees are now established in the area and people should be careful when working outside," Odom said.

The Department of Agriculture and Forestry keeps traps along a north-south line through the state and at all deepwater ports to monitor the bees, which are smaller and more aggressive than the European honeybees raised for honey.

"Because Africanized bees have been labeled 'killer bees' for years, there's an idea around that they are bigger than European honeybees," Odom said. "The truth is they're actually smaller but a lot fiercer."

They have the same venom as honeybees, but attack in groups. Experts recommend that anyone confronted with Africanized bees find cover quickly.

Africanized bees are the result of an experiment to increase honey production in Brazil. A swarm escaped a lab in 1957 and headed north. When they mated with native strains, the offspring were as aggressive as the African parents.

They reached Texas in 1990 and have spread west to California and east to Florida. They were first found in Louisiana in Caddo Parish, in June 2005, and identified the following month. They have moved steadily east since then, and were most recently found near Pecan Island and Turkey Creek.

I know that this is, at most, a minor annoyance. But New Orleanians don't need any more annoyances of any kind.

Which means you need to do a much better job this weekend, Drew Brees. Yeah, I'm lookin' at you.

Cross-posted at First Draft, where I'm guest-fucking-up for a while.

Surprise!

He might have given a more honest assessment.

That Petraeus guy that all the Republicans and the media types love so much?

Yeah, he's a lying tool.

I was shocked, too. Who would ever think that a general would tailor his public report to support his civilian superiors' positions, no matter how untrue his public presentation was?

No one could have anticipated the failure of the general's honesty.

Think Before You Speak

Sage advice.

Have a good laugh thanks to the Denver Post and Sherrie Tippie.

I love that smell. Don't you just love it? Nothing smells better to me. I was born for beavers.

When people complain about beavers, they don't know enough about them.

I'd never even seen a beaver. Never thought of a beaver.

There are many other amusing sentences in that article. Ms. Tippie, for all the fun we're poking at her, is doing something very nice out in Colorado. It's not her fault that we here at Punch and Jude have the sense of humor of a twelve-year-old boy. So kudos to her.

God Damn

The best goddamn peaches in the world.

Ruston, Louisiana is home to the greatest peaches you'll ever eat. Once you have some Ruston peaches, you'll never want any of that inferior Georgia shit again. Ruston is in north-central Louisiana. Nothing about that part of the state is Cajun or Creole. No, it's all crackers there.

Anyway, Ruston, Louisiana is also home to Louisiana Tech University, whose most famous alumnus is former Pittsburgh Steeler and current FOX Sports figure Terry Bradshaw. He only went to LA Tech because he couldn't score high enough on the ACT to get into LSU. This fact will give pause to those of you who are familiar with LSU.

Okay. Now that we've covered all of that, let's get to talking about football.

Louisiana Tech hosted the University of Hawai'i tonight. And the Bulldogs almost beat the Warriors. This is some amazing shit. Hawai'i should have rolled right over LA Tech. The Hawai'i quarterback, Colt Brennan, is absofuckinglutely amazing. He threw for 548 yards tonight (the team added another 36 total yards rushing). But those crazy crackers from north Louisiana put up a hell of a fight. They took the 'Bows (UH used to be the Rainbows--a name they should have kept) into overtime. LA Tech lost by one point, 45-44. And they lost because they tried a two-point conversion in overtime. They could have just kicked an extra point and gone to a second OT, but they tried to win it rather than extend the game. Fucking awesome.

I should also mention that Hawai'i was ranked 20th prior to this game. Louisiana Tech wasn't anywhere near the top 25 poll. We all love a good underdog story. So here it is. Go Bulldogs. Hell of a game, guys.

Oh, and Oregon beat the pants off of Michigan in Ann Arbor today, 39-7, giving Michigan its first 0-2 start at home in almost 50 years. My boys at Southern Miss lost in Knoxville, the Badgers seem to have things in hand in Las Vegas, and I'm still pissed about the Colts-Saints game on Thursday. I know that's not college, but damn. I mean, damn.

Sta Dormendo



Rest in peace, Signore Pavarotti

Labor Day

Legless former coal miner

It's Labor Day. Enjoy, everyone.

Labor Day is one of those holidays that never seems to invite reflection on the meaning of why we have it. It is, for the United States, a strange holiday indeed. Honoring workers and unions is on the list of things to do right after dismantling the military-industrial complex and instituting a Free Puppies For All program. But take a little time to think about why we take the day off today; why the 40-hour week is standard; why we have weekends, vacations, somewhat decent wages, and other things that piss off the rich folks but make life enjoyable for the rest of us. Granted, we lag far behind the rest of the industrialized world in giving workers a fair shake, but labor movements gave us the amenities we do have (not, of course, without a lot of hard work, struggle, and bloodshed).

Every Memorial Day, we are instructed to thank a veteran or current service member for what they have done for us. Today, thank a worker for making society run. The sacrifices of all of us who labor are forever overlooked.

Football Season

The Mr. Bush that New Orleans loves. Not that President asshole.

It's that time of the year again. Strap on your safety belts and get ready, because it's time for another season of college and professional football.

So go Saints, go Packers, go Badgers, go (USM) Eagles, and go Pats.

Also, I'm going to kick the shit out of everyone in my fantasy league this year. Get ready, assholes.