Thursday, May 31, 2007

Bill O'Reilly: Master of Subtlety

Oh no! Them Mexkins is destroying my power structure!

Wow. Kind of like the Westboro Baptist nutzoids, O'Reilly isn't shy about tipping his hand. Watch this video. The good part is near the end, about 4:45 into the clip. Sorry the sound quality is so crappy, but there's nothing I can do about it.

Here's a transcript of O'Reilly, Exemplar Of Tolerance:
Bill O'Reilly: But do you understand what the New York Times wants, and the far-left want? They want to break down the white, Christian, male power structure, which you're a part, and so am I, and they want to bring in millions of foreign nationals to basically break down the structure that we have. In that regard, Pat Buchanan is right. So I say you've got to cap with a number.

Emphasis mine.

A couple of other thoughts:

One, I didn't know that citizenship was a "prize" we handed out to people.

Alsi, O'Reilly, interestingly enough, refers to "big business" as a "special interest" in this clip. That's something you almost never hear anyone say. You know, "What's good for General Motors is good for the country" and all. I don't have cable, and wouldn't regularly watch Fox "News" even if I did, so I don't know if this is part of Goddam Bill O'Reilly's regular schtick.

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Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Presented, for Your Consideration

You may recognize the title to this post. Rod Serling often used that phrase when narrating Twilight Zone episodes for TV. It seemed appropriate. I only wish this was confined to the Twilight Zone. A few thoughts:

1. What the fuck?

2. I like their presentation of others as "hateful."

3. Learn to carry a fucking tune.

4. You kind of have to admire their consistency.

5. No, really. What the fuck?

6. I hope Michael Jackson sues them. And wins.

7. I never hope Michael Jackson wins.

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Tuesday, May 29, 2007

And They Call It Puppy Love

You wish the story was cute like this.

Get a room, you two. Yuck. I can't bring out excerpts that do it justice, so please go read it. I would advise you to be near a bathroom, garbage can, or airsickness bag.

The last thing I need to see in the New York Times is a running love letter to Rudolph "Benito" Giuliani.

Now I'm gonna go shower in bleach to get the ewwwww off.

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Thursday, May 24, 2007

The Worst Things in Sports

Now that's a sport we can all get behind.

This article came to my attention recently. It's by the San Diego Union-Tribune's Nick Canepa. He complied his list of the ten worst things in sports. Since I'm not bound by arbitrary numbering conventions, I came up with thirteen.

  1. Chris Berman

    He may very well be the most awful human being on the planet. His crimes against humanity include the bestowing of non-witty nicknames, screaming at decibel levels typically reserved for artillery barrages, and calling the Home Run Derby (if you can stand more than five minutes of that, you’re either comatose or deaf). The good people of the state of Connecticut should put this guy and Joe Lieberman into a Thunderdome-style death match. Then they should execute the winner.

  2. Sports talk shows

    These shows, like Jim Rome's, are only marginally less annoying than political talk shows. You have uninformed callers and over-opinionated hosts blathering incessantly about why so-and-so is the greatest midfielder ever, or how “the public” (whoever they are) just won’t tolerate the latest “offensive” conduct by an athlete, or why blah blah blah blah shoot me now.

  3. Pretty much any coverage of any sport by NBC

    After they lost their NFL contract the first time, their sports coverage just went to shit. Now? Jeebus. Arena football, “extreme” sports, friggin’ Notre Dame ball, and so forth. There is one important exception to this gripe—NBC does a pretty good job covering hockey. If only Merlin Olsen still worked for them.

  4. The Olympics

    Back in the day, the Olympics were great. They were all about running, jumping, skiing, shooting, throwing sharp and/or heavy items, swimming, diving, and all other shit that was cool. Plus there was the whole Cold War via sports: Whuppin’ some Russkie ass and counting the back hairs on the East German “women’s” teams. But lately they just suck. It’s all Oprah-ized, and they’ve included “sports” that you can medal in while high. Skip the fuckin’ human interest bullshit and show me more boxing. I don’t give a shit about someone’s gimpy brother, or how many extra jobs they have to work to pursue their dream, or why Jimmy Douchebag’s religious faith gives him strength. If you’re covering sports, focus on the sport. Also, and probably not coincidentally, NBC has the broadcast rights for the Olympics, and will continue to show them until 2012. Which is when the world ends.

  5. Hyper-specialization

    Now this shit really bugs me. From kick-return specialists to penalty-killing units to ultra-targeted training to the crazy shit that the NASCAR people do, the realm of professional sports has become so specialized that it’s ridiculous. You have a guy on a roster who just comes in on third downs to rush the passer, as well as a 375-pound gastropod who couldn’t run a hundred yards without collapsing? That’s bullshit. I understand the pressure to specialize, but it kind of takes the fun out of watching when the participants look like they’re from another planet.

  6. Intentional walks

    This is a stupid fucking idea. A runner on base is much more likely to score a run than a batter at home plate facing a pitcher. I laugh my ass off every time a batter hits an RBI after the defense intentionally walks a batter. Serves ‘em right.

  7. Soccer dives

    It’s simple. If you get carried off the field on a stretcher, you’re not allowed to come back in during that match. Stretchers are for people who are hurt, not dipshits who dive.

  8. Barry Bonds

    Yeah, I agree with Canepa on this one. Barry Bonds sucks ass. He’s no bigger of a cheater than many of the other people in MLB, but he’s a much bigger jerk.

  9. Steinbrenner and the fuckin' Yankees

    I realize that I’m combining two items here, but it’s my fuckin’ list. I can do that. God, how I hate the Yankees. And Steinbrenner? Jesus Christ on a pogo stick, that guy needs to be tarred, feathered, and run out of town on a rail. Canepa was right about the Yankees. I absolutely loved the 2004 ALCS, when all of the Yankee players looked like they were about to get weepy after the Red Sox handed them their asses (that’s after being down three games in the series, too). Fuck the fuckin’ Yankees.

  10. Dick Vitale

    More annoying than even Chris Berman, but you only have to put up with him for one sport.

  11. Michael Vick

    In future editions of the OED, his picture will appear next to the word “overrated.” But hey—he’s a young player, just ready for his breakout season! It’s his seventh goddam year in the league. If he hasn’t broken out by now, he ain’t gonna.

  12. Jerry Jones

    Like Steinbrenner, but Texan, so he’s an even bigger asshole.

  13. Ray Lewis

    Do I really need to say more?
Well, that's a start. Any thoughts? Drop 'em in the comments.

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Allergy Season, Again

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You know, if medical personnel came to me and said that they could totally eliminate my allergies, but it would take twenty years off of my life, I'd tell them they had a deal.

Son of a bitch, I hate allergies.

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Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Stop the Ride, Please

Let me off!

Because there just can't be enough instability in the world, the Bush Administration has authorized covert ops against Iran, with the aim of overthrowing the government there. ABC News broke this story yesterday, and it's the sort of thing that should end Bush's presidency. Check out the story here.
The CIA has received secret presidential approval to mount a covert "black" operation to destabilize the Iranian government, current and former officials in the intelligence community tell the Blotter on

The sources, who spoke on the condition of anonymity because of the sensitive nature of the subject, say President Bush has signed a "nonlethal presidential finding" that puts into motion a CIA plan that reportedly includes a coordinated campaign of propaganda, disinformation and manipulation of Iran's currency and international financial transactions.

"I can't confirm or deny whether such a program exists or whether the president signed it, but it would be consistent with an overall American approach trying to find ways to put pressure on the regime," said Bruce Riedel, a recently retired CIA senior official who dealt with Iran and other countries in the region.
You won't be surprised to find out that Iran-Contra figure Elliott Abrams has both arms in this, right up to the elbows.

Wow. Now, I assumed that there were all sorts of covert ops in progress WRT Iran, but this constitutes proof. You also can safely assume that the Iranians were, if not aware of these programs, certainly under the impression that the US would engage in these and other black ops. So the mad dance around the Persian Gulf continues.

However, if you really wanna know why this is so disheartening (which is a fancy way of saying "we're fucked"), look at the comments people have left regarding this story. Start with the first one:
If it was a secret, it isn't any longer. I will turn off ABC News and never watch again.

I consider ABC News Traders to the United States

Posted by: David Reid | May 22, 2007 6:36:30 PM
Whoa. That's pretty ballsy, to call them out for being Traders. And people said there wouldn't be any adverse effects from the systematic de-funding of public schools.

The lion's share of the rest of the comments are along similar lines, and only occasionally display correct grammar.

So let's wrap up. The US has authorized covert ops aimed at destabilizing another country's government. Someone lets ABC know about this story. ABC News, doing what it's supposed to do, tells the public about this program. And many people react by condemning the organization that broke the story. I guess that's a case of shooting the messenger. Sigh. Stop the ride, please.

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Thursday, May 17, 2007

This Is (Hopefully) the End of the Abstinence

Back to the museum for you!

Well, of abstinence-only education, anyway. And that bullshit couldn't have died a sooner death.
Democrats plan to let a federal abstinence-education program die quietly next month, demonstrating that pursuit of their legislative agenda can sometimes be passive.

The authorization for Title V abstinence-education grants expires at the end of June, and those on both sides of the sex-education debate agree that the $50 million-a-year mandatory-spending program — which draws an additional $37.5 million match from the states — stands little chance of winning an extension from a Democratic-controlled Congress.

Democrats generally favor a broader approach to sex education, but the issue is a tricky one politically. So Democrats are not calling attention to the impending demise of the abstinence-only approach, which was established under the 1996 welfare overhaul (PL 104-193) and is now operating under a six-month extension (PL 109-432) — or to the possibility that a $110 million discretionary-spending abstinence program funded through the Department of Health and Human Services may be zeroed out for fiscal 2008.

House Energy and Commerce Chairman John D. Dingell, D-Mich., does not plan to extend the grant program, according to his spokeswoman, Jodi Seth.

“The Speaker will look to Chairman Dingell for leadership on this issue,” said Drew Hammill, a spokesman for House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif.

Democrats point to a study sponsored by the Department of Health and Human Services and released last month as evidence that an abstinence-only approach is ineffective. The study concluded that students given abstinence education were no more likely to abstain from sex, that those who had sex did so with a similar number of partners as those who did not receive abstinence education and that those students first had sex at the same mean age.

But proponents of abstinence education say it is more popular among parents than other types of sex education. They point to a recent Zogby poll commissioned by a pro-abstinence organization. Seventy-eight percent of parents responding said sex-education classes should place greater emphasis on abstinence than on contraception.

Conservative House Republicans favor extending the abstinence-only grants.

“Anything this Congress does that promotes promiscuity on the part of our young people is a step in the wrong direction,” said Rep. Tom Price, R-Ga.

But advocates of abstinence-only education acknowledge that the programs’ death by congressional inaction is likely.

“I expect an effort by Democrats to kill off both federal abstinence programs,” said Robert Rector, senior research fellow at the conservative Heritage Foundation. “It would effectively kill abstinence education.”

“It’s disappointing,” said Skip Brown, spokesman for Rep. Joe Pitts, R-Pa., a leading proponent of abstinence education. “By killing this, Democrats are going against the wishes of most parents.”
Broader Approach

Under the Title V program, states receive formula-based grants to provide abstinence-only education. They must teach that abstinence is the expected standard for unmarried schoolchildren; that monogamous marriages are “the expected standard of human sexual activity”; that abstinence is the only sure way to avoid extramarital pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases and related health problems; and that extramarital sex and child-bearing are harmful to parents, children and society.

Democrats including Pelosi contend that abstinence should be taught as part of a broader sex-education curriculum.

“The Speaker supports funding for both abstinence and comprehensive sexuality education,” Hammill said. “We must get at the root of the problem by reducing unintended pregnancies through sex education and access to contraception.”

California Democrat Henry A. Waxman, a senior member of the Energy and Commerce Committee who battled against abstinence-only education when Democrats were in the minority, said he would oppose any effort to extend the federal grant program. He called it a “huge waste of money” and said it “gives a lot of kids misinformation” on health issues.
Henry Waxman--you're not the easiest person on the eyes, but you kick much ass. Kudos to you, sir.

Let's hope that this shit just goes away for good.

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Wednesday, May 16, 2007

One Less Sanctimonious Fuck in the World

So Jerry Falwell has gone to the great beyond.

Can't say that I'll shed any tears.

In lieu of any obituary or eulogy, I think we should give the last word to noted American entrepreneur Larry Flynt.

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Yeah, yeah. I'm going to hell. I know that already.

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Sunday, May 13, 2007

For I Have Seen the Future, and It Contains Spam

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Apparently, in 31 years, you will still be able to buy fugazi Rolexes on-line. I'm sure this comes as a great comfort to you all.

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Friday, May 11, 2007

A Friday "What the Fuck?"

What the fuck?

Crocheted octopi. From Wisconsin.

I have absolutely no fucking idea what this is all about.

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Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Close the Ad Agencies

We now have the greatest commercial ever. Starring, of course, Mr. T.

Get some nuts!

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Monday, May 07, 2007

Back Again

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Attention, arachnids: Heed the sign.

Hey hey, loyal readers. I'm back after a short absence. Where have I been? I'll tell you. I've been busy with Quikrete and Raid, working hard to prevent this from happening to me:
ALBANY, Ore. - These guys weren't exactly Snap, Crackle and Pop. What began as a faint popping in a 9-year-old boy's ear — "like Rice Krispies" — ended up as an earache, and the doctor's diagnosis was that a pair of spiders made a home in the ear.
"They were walking on my eardrums," Jesse Courtney said.

One of the spiders was still alive after the doctor flushed the fourth-grader's left ear canal. His mother, Diane Courtney, said her son insisted he kept hearing a faint popping in his ear — "like Rice Krispies."

Dr. David Irvine said it looked like the boy had something in his ear when he examined him.

When he irrigated the ear, the first spider came out, dead. The other spider took a second dousing before it emerged, still alive. Both were about the size of a pencil eraser.

Jesse was given the spiders — now both dead — as a souvenir. He has taken them to school and his mother has taken them to work.

I have friends who live in Oregon. They're always encouraging me to come visit. Thanks to this story, I think I'll pass on going that way. Ever.

If I were this kid, I'd slug the first wannabe-clever person to come up and say "So let me put a bug in your ear."



Saturday, May 05, 2007

NPR Music Interludes

When I listen to NPR, which is generally the only thing I listen to on the radio, I'm often intrigued by the "music interludes" which break the stories and serve as, well . . . interludes. Wednesday I heard a great one and decided how to find them on The result is this, the NPR music interlude page. For every show you can check out the music interludes, find out about the artist, album and song. Anyway - scroll to the bottom and check out Ratatat - that was the one that inspired me to figure this thing out. You can listen to more here - the best being the Biggie remix.

Now if someone can just explain to me what a "podcast" is . . .

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

More Proof of Shit You Already Knew

More racist bullshit from the cops.

I didn't get around to posting this the other day, so please forgive me. It turns out, and you'll be shocked to hear this, that DWB is a real phenomenon.
Black, Hispanic and white drivers are equally likely to be pulled over by police, but blacks and Hispanics are much more likely to be searched and arrested, a federal study found.

Police were much more likely to threaten or use force against blacks and Hispanics than against whites in any encounter, whether at a traffic stop or elsewhere, according to the Justice Department.

The study, released Sunday by the department's Bureau of Justice Statistics, covered police contacts with the public during 2005 and was based on interviews by the Census Bureau with nearly 64,000 people age 16 or over.


Blacks (9.5 percent) and Hispanics (8.8 percent) were much more likely to be searched than whites (3.6 percent). There were slight but statistically insignificant declines compared with the 2002 report in the percentages of blacks and Hispanics searched.

Blacks (4.5 percent) were more than twice as likely as whites (2.1 percent) to be arrested. Hispanic drivers were arrested 3.1 percent of the time.

Among all police-public contacts, force was used 1.6 percent of the time. But blacks (4.4 percent) and Hispanics (2.3 percent) were more likely than whites (1.2 percent) to be subjected to force or the threat of force by police officers.

People interviewed described police hitting, kicking, pushing, grabbing, pointing a gun or spraying pepper spray at them or threatening to do so. More than four of five felt the force used was excessive, but there were no statistically significant racial disparities among the people who felt that way.
In less-socially-important racist news, it seems that NBA refs also make foul calls according to racial biases.

I noticed this story over at Jack and Jill Politics. You should check them out. And, again, sorry for the delay.

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Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Pour Out Some Liquor

Tha H-Dog, aka Herbert Kornfeld, 1972-2007.
Reunited with CPA-ONE at last.
We'll mourn you 'til we join you.

Today is a sad, sad day. Tha H-Dog is no longer with us. He's in gangsta heaven, cruisin in Tha Nite Rida, wearing his fly-ass Membaz Only jacket, and accountz-receevin' like a mu'fucka. We knew it had to happen one day. Old age wasn't for tha H-Dog. He wasn't ever gonna be an old geeza like that wack-ass Myron Schabe.

H-Dog is survived by his two-year-old son, Baby Prince H Tha Stone Col' Dopest Biz-ook-kizeepin' Muthafuckin' Badass Supastar Kornfeld Tha Second, and numerous cash room bitches. You can read his badass columns here.

Oh, and Irving Weinbaum better protect his fuckin' neck. Same goes to those bitchez in Accountz Payabo.


Don't Forget to Make a Wish

Hubris has a birthday, too.

Happy Mission Accomplished Day, everyone!

I know this guy is glad that the mission is over:

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