Homeland Security: Sleep Well, There's Nothing to Worry About

That's right, folks.

We are safe.

Safe safe.

How safe?

Good question. We're so safe, we're protected from teenage girls playing a live-action version of Super Mario Brothers. Don't you feel more secure now?

Five teenage girls from Portage County face potential criminal charges after attempting to play a real-life version of Super Mario Bros.

The Portage County Hazardous Materials Unit and Bomb Detection Unit were called in to downtown Ravenna on Friday morning after seventeen suspicious packages -- boxes wrapped in gold wrapping paper with question marks spray painted on them -- had alarmed residents.

Boxes were found at the Immaculate Conception Church on West Main Street, the Portage County Courthouse, Deluxe Pastries, the corner of Cherry Way and Main Street, Reed Memorial Library, Ravenna High School and a residence at Sanford and Main streets.

Five girls -- age 16 and 17 -- claimed responsibility for making and placing the packages. The girls said they found an Internet site that included step-by-step instructions for creating replicas of blocks featured in the game.

The Ravenna Police Department will be working with the Portage County Prosecutor's Office regarding possible criminal charges as a result of the game.

Oddly enough, this did not happen in Florida. Are they really planning on bringing charges against these girls? For what?

The "suspicious packages" were wrapped in gold paper, and they had question marks on them. What the fuck? Does the Riddler work for al-Qaeda now? Stupid fucking cops. They're pissed that they got punked. Could any human being with more than three functioning neurons actually think that, in Nowheresville, Ohio, a few gold-foil-wrapped boxes with fucking question marks on them were some sort of a terrorist threat?

I feel safe. Don't you?

(Thanks to Errol for the link.)