Oh What the Hell

Here's some more Stupid Shit.

The top 50 conservative rock songs.

Seriously. The mouthbreathers over at the National Review came up with a list of the top conservative rock songs.

This will leave you scratching your head, provided that you have at least a half-dozen functioning neurons. What's that, you say? How can you tell if you have at least that many?

Check your underpants. If they're on correctly, you're in the clear.

If you're not wearing underpants, then you're obviously already on a higher plane of existence. Good for you!

But back to the Stupid Shit at hand. For one thing, any "top 50" list--of anything--that includes Jesus Jones and Kid Rock can pretty much be immediately dismissed as the product of an intellect on par with that of a feverish, retarded skink. Also, how you gonna include songs by the Sex Pistols, David Bowie, the Rolling Stones, the Beatles, the Clash, and U2 on your list of the top 50 conservative tunes?

The Sex Pistols? Shit. You could re-animate Sid Vicious, stick him together with Johnny Rotten, make them billionaires, enshrine their capital-gains tax cuts in stone from Mt. Sinai, have them record a song called "George Bush Is Our God," and you still wouldn't have a conservative song.

Punk music is not fucking conservative.

Rock music in general is not conservative. That's why all that "Christian rock" sucks nards. You can't have a spirit of rebellion expressed while at the same time submitting yourself to Jesus. It just don't work.

And would someone please tell me how in the fuck "Who'll Stop the Rain" by Creedence Clearwater Revival is in any way conservative? It's about ending the goddamn Vietnam War. I shudder to think of the torture chambers that lie in the bowels of whatever moat-surrounded bastion of evil houses the National Review. In that accursed dungeon, logic is tortured until it screams. "Yes! Yes! Opposing the Vietnam War is conservative! Aiiiieeeee!!!!!"

Poor logic. You deserve so much better.