Hammerin' Hank

Now there was a ballplayer.

Hank Aaron still kicks ass.

Hank Aaron wants no part of Barry Bonds. With Bonds closing in on the career home run record, Aaron attended a news conference Thursday at the spot where his 755th and final home run landed in 1976.

"I don't have any thoughts about Barry. I don't even know how to spell his name," Aaron said briskly, then added a laugh.

Aaron was curt when asked whether baseball commissioner Bud Selig invited him to attend any celebrations for Bonds, should he break the record. Selig and Aaron are longtime friends.

"I've not spoken to him at all," Aaron said. "That's his decision and I'm sure he'll make the right one."

Of course, for the best coverage of this farce, you have to go to America's Finest News Source.

Check it out:

Nation To Ken Griffey Jr.: 'We Wish It Were You Hitting 756 Home Runs'

CINCINNATI—Overcome with a mixture of distaste at the almost certain future and a wistful sense at the way things could and should have been, baseball fans across America took time to address veteran Reds superstar Ken Griffey Jr. yesterday in order to let him know that they sincerely wish that Griffey, and not Barry Bonds, was on the verge of hitting his record-breaking 756th home run.

"Don't take this the wrong way, Mr. Griffey, because the last thing we as a nation want is for you to think you've disappointed us by not breaking this record," the country's message, which was read to a quiet and humble Griffey by retired Seattle, WA–area mechanical engineer and lifelong baseball fan Robert Colgrave, began. "America knows you did everything you could, and we couldn't be more proud of you. In fact, that's the whole point—we think you're a man who is actually worthy of this record."

"Believe us, if life was as fair as baseball, you'd have 760 homers right now," said Colgrave, pausing as if momentarily overcome. "More, even. And you'd still be chalking them up. You're a natural talent. God's gift to the baseball diamond. It's just… Damn bad luck, is all. Bad luck and trouble."

--snip--

"I would be proud to have Ken Griffey Jr. break my home-run record," current record-holder and Hall of Fame legend Hank Aaron said upon being told of the nation's statement. "I would most certainly attend any game in which he had a chance of doing so. And I would come down from the stands and hug him fiercely after he crossed the plate and had been congratulated by his teammates. I really don't think I'd be able to help myself."

"Hell, I'll probably attend the game he's playing in when my record is broken in any case," Aaron added.

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig, responding to overwhelming demand, has confirmed that an asterisk will be placed next to Griffey's name in the record books in order to indicate that, in a perfect world where dignity is always rewarded, cheaters never triumph, and people always get what they really deserve, Griffey would have hit one more home run than Barry Bonds' career total.

And, for what may be the best and funniest line, if it weren't for our invaluable service, you'd have to pick up a paper copy of The Onion. I'll reproduce the line for you here:

Hank Aaron: "I Will Not Attend Bonds' 756th Homer Game, As I'll Be Busy Fucking His Mother"