NBA Draft (long post warning)

I decided to make up for my sparse blogging with a marathon NBA running diary a la Bill Simmons. I’ll kick things off by noting that my ancient (pirated) copy of Word thinks “blogging” is not a word and would instead prefer bogging, logging, flogging, clogging, or slogging.

6:40 – Today while taking a break from “bar studying” I watched the A-team. Nothing gets me riled up like injustice as depicted in the A-team. I think my testosterone level reached a new all-time high. Damn those Watkins brothers! Who do they think they are bullying people around and not letting anyone go to Ray Brenner’s funeral. Well they got their comeuppance.

Also, don’t you ever wonder what crime they were locked up for but didn’t commit? Come to think of it, there are lots of unexplainable things about the A-Team. Maybe this can be its own post one day.

But what does all this have to do with the NBA draft, Jon? Glad you asked. After watching the A-Team, I detoured back to the bar study by way of ESPNews and lo and behold they announced that the Celtics traded the 7^th pick to Portland for Sebastian Telfair. My first thought was that Portland was stocking up on draft picks to make a big trade, who would want two of the top seven picks in this draft where no one is really a stand out? Then I thought that the Celtics really came out ahead in this one because there aren’t any great PGs in the draft and they got a solid one for the 7^th pick. Danny Ainge might be coming around. At any rate the blazers, if they end up with the 4^th and 7^th next year, will be interesting to watch.

6:59 – Adam Morrison is now appearing in NBA live commercials for EA sports. One centers on his mustache. “In the off season my mustache and I will drive around in a muscle car solving mysteries. My mustache is very wise.” I’ve about had it up to here with your mustache, Adam. Maybe deep down I just wish I could grow my own. Or maybe I just wish Adam could actually grow his own. It really looks like these crazy house centipedes that plague my Allston apartment.

7:03 – Dan Patrick is serving as ESPN’s front-man for tonight’s festivities. He’s joined by Jay Bilas, Greg Anthony, and the infamous Steven A. Smith. Steven A. always reminds me of that Chris Rock bit where the guy goes back to his old neighborhood and tells the guys he has a master’s degree and the guys responds: “Oh so you think you’re my master now.” Steven A. always yells at me and I’ve never done anything to him.

Does he always talk this this? “I’ll have a glass of the house Chardonnay please! Wait, is that a California!? Oh, well California Chardonnay is too oaky for me! I’ll have the Pinot Grigo instead! Thank you!”

7:07 – Someone alludes to Portland preferring Lamarcus Aldridge to Tyrus Thomas. What? I can’t comprehend this. You saw these two guys play head to head in the NCAA tournament and Thomas dominated Aldridge. Dominated! There is no possible way anyone would think that Aldridge is better than Thomas if they watched this game. It’s like someone offers you $5 or $10 and you take the $5 – nothing you say can dilute the ignorance.

Needless to say I’m fantasizing about the Pistons trading Ben Wallace for Tyrus Thomas after the draft.

7:10 – First Rachael Nicholson sighting. Whenever my wife wants to piss me off she accuses me of having a secret affair with Rachael and her hideous hair-do. I get pissed off like a 4^th grader accused of liking a girl. Damn you Rachael Nicholson.

7:20 – NYC fans boo J.J. Redick before he’s drafted. Now they’re asking him about playing X-box live against Adam Morrison. Adam is apparently better. Maybe it’s because he plays sober. At least J.J. doesn’t look wasted right now.

7:24 – I’m starting to think Adam Morrison just grew the ‘stache to detract from his bangs. Seriously, does diabetes affect his personal hygiene habits?

7:26 – World Cup commercial. I’m reminded of my new favorite phrase, “Bulges the Ol’ Onion Bag.” Hehehe.

7: 32 – I think fans just booed the WNBA. Good for them. David Stern calls them a rowdy crowd. Then the fans boo the announcement that the Raptors have 5 minutes to make their pick. Wow, that room must be electric.

7:37 – Bargnani goes first to the Raptors. Italians are known for their suits. The NBA draft is know for its suits. Now we have an Italian at the NBA draft and I can’t wait to see what kind of suit Andrea Bargnani (Bargain, Bargains) is wearing. Is it possible for him to live up to this hype? Can he get the job done? Will a tear form in the fabric of the universe? Um, no, it’s very understated. But it might be the best fitting suit in NBA draft history and he’s a 7-footer.

By the way his name is pronounced Barn – Yani. Which of course makes me think of Yani in a barn. And his nickname is the Magician! I wonder if it’s because he saws women in half or because he holds his breath for less than world record lengths of time?

Stu Scott asks what it’s like to be the first pick. Bargnani is gracious and timid – exactly what you want in a number one pick.

7:42 – Another trade and it’s the god-awful Portland deal where they’ll take Aldridge instead of waiting to get Tyrus Thomas. This means the Bulls with get Thomas and will dominate for years to come. I can’t type fast enough to get the rest of the deal and it’s time for a drink anyway.

Of course the fans boo because this should have been the Knicks’ pick.

7:48 – The Bobcats select Morrison. Now he can afford a haircut. Apparently he’s quite liberal and hates Bush. Maybe he can be the anti-Curt Schilling, who by the way, would probably play as much defense as Morrison. Morrison shed tears when Rage Against the Machine broke up.

Ahhhhh, Rachel Nichols is back.

7:51 – Is there anything more idiotic than making these guys in suits wear bright, ugly baseball caps. Why not just give them a beauty pageant-style sash and oversized bouquet.

7:54 – Portland selects Tyrus Thomas for the Bulls. Assholes. No wonder Portland sucks so bad. Thomas is wearing a purple sweater and “he guesses” he looks nice. He also has a Fredrick Douglass tattoo, that’s badass. Oh wait, it’s just a quote from Douglass. That’s a little less cool.

7:59 – Shelden Williams goes 5^th to the Hawks. Apparently rabid sea lions are in charge of this organization. Vitale says Williams plays bigger than his size. Well that’s good to know since he’s too short to accomplish anything in the NBA. I’m about 78% certain I could beat Shelden Williams one-on-one. He can’t jump or move around the basket, his jump shot is unreliable and he’s slow. But he has good post moves! Yippidy do dah --- that’s great for when Dan Dickau defends him.

Now we learn that he sang in choir and color coordinates his closet. Ah, it all comes together.

8:13 – Gay hasn’t been drafted yet but we just caught a glimpse of his watch. Holy shit, it looks like it weighs 19 pounds and can time travel. I wonder if his left arm is longer than his right because of that thing. What if it affects his shot?

8:27 – Stu Scott tries to count the diamonds in Gay’s watch, but alas, there are too many.

8:36 – Mohammed or Saer Sene is 7 feet tall, but he has a 7’8” wingspan. He just shook Stern’s hand and I pretty sure he has two elbows in each arm.

8:42 – The Magic just drafted J.J. Redick. Is Orlando in a dry county?

8:47 – The New Orleans (OK city) hornets just got Hilton Armstrong. I’m shopping online for season tickets. Just Kidding. Hilton brought two left sneakers to a high school team. Hmmmm, no red flags there.

8:59 – Stern puts Dan Patrick in his place, from the podium, and Dan Patrick says he likes Paul Tagliabue better. The best moment yet.

9:18 – Shawne Williams is drafted at 17 unexpectedly. According to ESPN he needs to improve: Focus. Well that’s easy enough, I’m sure he can afford a great optometrist.

9:33 – The NY Knicks fans want “Marcus Williams, baby!” apparently unaware that the Knicks already have 3½ point guards. The one thing going for them is that of all the things Isiah Thomas does poorly, drafting is what is does the least poorly. And the Knicks take . . . “Renaldo Balkman. Renaldo is not here.” Sigh. No, no he’s not.

Who is here? Marcus Williams. Still. He must be hungry. If I were Marcus Williams I would order a pizza. “Yes, I’d like a large pepperoni. What? Oh, Madison Square Garden. The Green Room. Ask for Marcus, oh wait, I’m the only one here.”

Steven A. Smith says “I’m almost speechless.” Oh, Steven, we can only hope. Don’t tease us.

9:50 – Marcus Williams is picked 22^nd by the Nets. Apparently he’s out of shape. If he’s out of shape, what is the rest of America? And while we’re heaping scorn on Marcus, why is no one giving him more shit for stealing laptops? More importantly, the mustache he’s sporting in his picture is far worse that Adam Morrison’s and no one has mentioned this. He looks like a black Hitler.

Apparently Jason Kidd can teach him so many things. Oh really, Steven A.? Since when is the only qualifier for teaching being good at what you are supposed to teach? Maybe Kidd is a horrible teacher and he can’t explain anything. Isn’t teaching an entirely separate skill set? Isn’t that why people major in education?

10:09 – I’ve neglected to mentioned that the NBA draft is presented by Sprite. Also this draft commentary is made possible by Martin Miller’s gin, my own jambalaya, and my wife’s paying the rent.

10:15 – Some kid from Spain who idolizes Jason Williams gets drafted. Apparently he’s called Spanish chocolate. Wow. Wow. Is Spanish chocolate a thing? Shouldn’t he be paella or tapas? Isn’t Belgian chocolate the best of the best? What a horrible attempt to complement himself.

10:26 – Two players were drafted in the first round that I’ve never heard of. Both were picked by the Knicks. Apparently one of them is named Mardy. Microsoft Word suggests: Marty, Mary, Marcy, Mandy. Wow his parents misspelled 4 names at the same time.

10:46 – Ok, a running diary is harder than I thought. I just saw Lil’ (Lila, ill) Jon in a commercial and I couldn’t understand anything he said. This must be a side effect of having 15.3 ounces of platinum in your mouth. Lil’ Jon, not me. I’m wondering if I can make it all the way through to the pistons pick.

11:00 – David Noel is picked 39^th. Jay Bilas says “he won’t do you any harm on the floor.” What an endorsement. That’s probably the number one quality I look for in a basketball player. That and “Is not untalented.” Oh an also, “won’t assassinate foreign leaders while violating donkeys that suffer from fetal alcohol syndrome.” Big contributor that David Noel.

11:03 – Adam Morrison’s mustache is speaking to him again. It is indeed very wise. Michael Jordan, new owner of the Bobcats, has a mustache that is strikingly similar to Adam’s. Coincidence? Not likely. I’m starting to root for Kevin Pittsnogle C/West Virginia lasting to number 60 for the pistons (I need something to aim for). Everyone cross your fingers.

11:11 – Damn you Chris Mullin get a new haircut!

11:12 – Yes, the first Israeli ever is drafted! Shalom, Lior, shalom. And then he gets drafted to Houston. Huge Jewish population there. He’ll be right at home.

11:34 – Portland trades for the 6^th time tonight. I think there needs to be an intervention. Speaking of interventions, ESPN keeps intervening the draft with commercials in the 2^nd round. I guess they figure people who watch the draft at 11:35 on a Wednesday night aren’t really interested in changing the channel. Nice work, guys.

11:45 – We’re at 57 and Pittsnogle is still there.

11:49 – Rod Thorn who runs the Nets is a goofy, nerdy white guy. How do these guys end up running NBA teams? Tell me. Please. I’d like to join up.

11:54 – The experts are discussing who had the worst draft. The all take the Knicks. It’s unanimous. And just when we thought it couldn’t get worse.

11:55 – The 60^th pick is here and the pistons can take Pittsnogle if they want him. Tick tock tick tock. And they take . . . Will Blalock from Iowa State. FYI, I’m taller than Will. Now all we can do is hope he has 4 elbows. And that’s all folks. Thanks for tuning in.