Punch and Jude

2008-09-17T08:31:00.002-05:00

I'm Sorry

I'm so so sorry.

I'm sorry, Punch and Jude.

I've been neglecting you. I'm so busy at the new place. I know that's not an excuse. But you'll always be my first bloggy love. I'll try to be better, I promise.

2008-02-12T07:08:00.000-06:00

Darwin Day

It's a celebration, bitches!

Everybody wish the original Chuck D there a happy birthday. He'd be 199 today.

You can look here, here, here, and especially here for more interesting things about Darwin's continuing influence.

Also, I believe it's Abraham Lincoln's birthday. He's known for being the only right-facing president on US coinage. Among other things.

2008-02-11T09:20:00.000-06:00

Breaking News

Hey hey, everybody. I'm now a regular poster over at First Draft. Check it out!

2008-02-10T13:55:00.000-06:00

What. The. Fuck.

Yes. That's a lion riding a horse.

Words fail.

2008-02-07T07:24:00.000-06:00

You Don't Need a Weatherman to--Holy Shit! Take Cover!

Sometimes, you gotta admire people's resiliency.

If you haven't noticed, large swaths of the country have been dealing with some pretty nasty atmospheric phenomena over the last couple of days. In particular, the southeast endured a spate of tornadoes yesterday. The storms killed dozens of people, and left many without homes. If you've got a few ducats to spare, look here to find some places to spread 'em around. 'Cause Jeebus knows we can't wait for FEMA to help these people.

2008-02-05T07:49:00.000-06:00

Happy Mardi Gras!

Throw me somethin', mista!

It's time once again for the best holiday of the year. So have a happy Mardi Gras, everybody! Enjoy the music, especially the clip of Fats Domino, Jerry Lee Lewis, AND Ray Charles all sharing the same stage.

Oh, I also understand there's some sort of political event going on today.

2008-02-01T10:11:00.000-06:00

Dear New York Times

Fuck. You.

This headline is just fuckin' awful: Tainted Drugs Tied to Maker of Abortion Pill.

Is mifepristone tainted? No. Not only no, but hell no. The tainted drugs are manufactured in a different goddamn factory than the one that makes RU-486. But you'd never know that just from glancing at the headline, would you? In fact, what would you think?

Probably that there's tainted mifepristone getting shipped to this country.

My beef here isn't with the journalist; the article is clear and to the point about what the story is, and that there's no contamination of mifepristone. But the editor/headline writer? Eat a dick, you fuckin' scumbag.

Look, the jagoffs in the anti-woman, anti-sex, forced pregnancy camp do not need your help. You just know this is going to become another of their scare tactics.

2008-01-28T09:15:00.001-06:00

Too Funny

2008-01-02T14:35:00.000-06:00

Wow

Creationists amaze me. They are simultaneously a scary and ridiculous foe. You'd think that the following "logic" would completely discredit them, but it's surprising and depressing that this is what passes for a convincing argument (and, for that matter, thought itself) with lots of people. Anyway, watch and be amazed:

And, yes, that's washed-up 1980's sitcom actor Kirk Cameron learning about how we and the banana are designed for one another. I wonder what these people have to say about pineapples. Or all those poisonous-to-human fruits.

2007-12-31T11:20:00.000-06:00

C'est Si Bon

Happy New Year, everyone. Thanks for stopping by from time to time throughout 2007. Enjoy your celebrations, and stay safe.

2007-12-27T08:32:00.000-06:00

This Is Very Bad

Benazir Bhutto, 1953-2007

A suicide attacker killed Benazir Bhutto after a political rally today.

This is bad. One of the last things needed in Pakistan right now is an even-more-pissed-off citizenry. Stay tuned.

2007-12-25T10:24:00.000-06:00

Merry Xmas

Hey hey, everyone. Sorry for the light posting of late. I've been busy, and Jon's a slug. Anyway, on this joyous day, remember: Thanks to the birth of Our Lord and Savior, you always have an argument against abstinence-only education.

Nothin' like blasphemy on a holiday.

2007-12-11T17:16:00.001-06:00

Tuesday Funny

I really enjoyed the Terry Tate promos.

I'll have more about the depressing-ass real world soon, but why rush it?

2007-12-10T17:44:00.001-06:00

A Little Groggy

Kinda like this.

I've had a nagging cold (or series of colds) lately. This would be annoying enough, but it now seems that I can't do nighttime cold medicine anymore.

Why, you ask?

Because, the other day, I woke up extremely groggy. I noticed this was a problem while standing in the bathroom with a tube of toothpaste in one hand and my razor in the other. I don't know if I was going to brush my teeth with the razor or shave my face with the toothpaste, but either way, it wasn't gonna be pleasant.

You don't get this kind of helpful advice just anywhere, kids, so check back often.

2007-12-07T10:57:00.000-06:00

Infamy

From L-R and top-bottom: USS California (upper left), USS Oklahoma (capsized), USS Maryland, USS West Virginia, USS Tennessee, and USS Arizona sunk off of Ford Island, December 1941.

It's Pearl Harbor Day. Pause and reflect.

2007-12-03T11:48:00.000-06:00

Kinda Busy

Hopefully I can have more later. However, for now, enjoy this little cartoon.

2007-12-01T12:18:00.000-06:00

Oh Yeah

Click for larger images.

Go Navy. Beat Army.

2007-12-01T11:50:00.000-06:00

The Crazy

It terrifies.

Really, these people scare the shit out of me. They're insane. And you just can't reason with crazy people. You really think any of these people care about evaluating evidence? Hell no. They seem to have disengaged their cerebra. That extremely cheery woman, in particular, is frightening. She's like a Christian version of the Joker. Only without the spiffy purple threads.

Oh, and what the fuck is a "prophetic intercessor"?

Ripped off from Instaputz.

2007-11-28T11:01:00.000-06:00

Enjoy the Meltdown

Pamela Geller after reading Monday's news.

Pamela "Atlas Shrugs" Geller, who is one of the more bug-fuck insane personalities on the Internet (and brother, that's saying a lot), completely lost her shit over the Annapolis conference on Middle East peace (which itself is, oh, about seven years too late). Just go here and look. Insane, racist, eliminationist babbling seems to be her stock in trade. She refers to Hamas as "savages," and calls the conference itself a "gang bang." She also links to Frank Gaffney's bizarre screed in which he claims the conference is a "gang rape." Keep in mind that these people often refer to liberals/progressives/anyone to the left of Atilla the Hun as "deranged" or "unhinged." I believe the psychologists call that "projection."

Naturally, you have to read the comments as well. Some of Ms. Geller's commenters are even crazier than she is, which is no mean feat. I particularly enjoy wxjames' declaration that we need "devine leadership." I actually agree. Andy Devine would make a fine leader. But wait, he's dead. Damn.

I hope James Wolcott weighs in on this topic soon. He has such a talent for commentary regarding Pammycakes.

2007-11-27T14:46:00.000-06:00

So It's Been A While

Here's a monkey giving a cat CPR. Why? Just because.

Hey hey, loyal readers. Sorry I've been away for a while. But I should have more time for this blogging silliness now. In fact, check out this grim shit:

HOUSTON — The cha-chick of a shell entering a shotgun's chamber rattled through the 911 line just before Joe Horn stepped out his front door.

Horn, 61, had phoned police when he saw two men break into his neighbor's suburban Houston home through a window in broad daylight. Now they were getting away with a bag of loot.

"Don't go outside the house," the 911 operator pleaded. "You're going to get yourself shot if you go outside that house with a gun. I don't care what you think."

"You want to make a bet?" Horn answered. "I'm going to kill them."

He did.

Admirers, including several of his neighbors, say Horn is a hero for killing the burglars, protecting his neighborhood and sending a message to would-be criminals. Critics call him a loose cannon. His attorney says Horn just feared for his life.

Prosecuting Horn could prove difficult in Texas, where few people sympathize with criminals and many have an almost religious belief in the right to self-defense. The case could test the state's self-defense laws, which allow people to use deadly force in certain situations to protect themselves, their property and their neighbors' property.

Horn was home in Pasadena, about 15 miles southeast of Houston, on Nov. 14 when he heard glass breaking, said his attorney, Tom Lambright. He looked out the window and saw 38-year-old Miguel Antonio DeJesus and 30-year-old Diego Ortiz using a crowbar to break out the rest of the glass.

He grabbed a 12-gauge shotgun and called 911, Lambright said.

"Uh, I've got a shotgun," he told the dispatcher. "Uh, do you want me to stop them?"

"Nope, don't do that," the dispatcher responded. "Ain't no property worth shooting somebody over, OK?"

Horn and the dispatcher spoke for several minutes, during which Horn pleaded with the dispatcher to send someone to catch the men and vowed not to let them escape. Over and over, the dispatcher told him to stay inside. Horn repeatedly said he couldn't.

When the men crawled back out the window carrying a bag, Horn began to sound increasingly frantic.

"Well, here it goes, buddy," Horn said as a shell clicked into the chamber. "You hear the shotgun clicking and I'm going."

Lambright said Horn had intended to take a look around when he left his house and instead came face to face with the burglars, standing 10 to 12 feet from him in his yard.

Horn would have been no match in a physical confrontation with the two strong young men, Lambright said. So when one or both of them "made lunging movements," Horn fired in self-defense, he said.

I'm never moving to Texas. It's okay to shoot someone you see robbing the house across the street? Fuck that nonsense. Let's get this straight--he called 911, they told him not to confront the two burglars. He did anyway, vowing to kill them. Isn't that first-degree murder?

Yeah, yeah, the two dudes shouldn't have been robbing the house, but that in no way excuses murdering them. Wait for the cops to show up, give them a description, and forget about it. This sick bastard values a bag of his neighbor's property more than the lives of two other humans.

His lawyer is calling the shootings "self-defense." He walked out of his house to confront and, by his own admission, murder two men who posed no threat to him. That ain't self-defense. Not even in Texas.

2007-11-08T22:03:00.000-06:00

Bingo!

Since Jude loves when I quote the Volokhs . . .

This is, I think, an ominous development -- the increasingly common notion that the government can insist that no one be permitted to publicly disclose what they know about how the government itself investigates crimes and terrorism, and how it treats those suspected of wrongdoing. Am I missing something? Is there some important historical precedent for this?

Right on.

2007-11-08T07:19:00.000-06:00

Memo To Benito Giuliani and The Christian Right: Shut The Fuck Up

There's a lotta evil in this photo. A lotta crazy, too.

As you may have heard by now, the evil husk of a human known as Rudolph Giuliani recently received the endorsement of sanctimonious sack of shit Pat Robertson. So let's go over what this means. Giuliani is claiming that he deserves to be President because of September 11th. At least, that's what I get out of his campaign rhetoric. He wants to "keep America safe" by turning the country into a mirror image of the USSR's police state ca. 1948, plus racism. He wants to lock more people up indefinitely, spy on your telephone conversations and bank records, and torture the shit out of anyone even suspected of being an "enemy," as defined by him (note: history teaches us that such an approach never, ever ends well). In one of the Republican "debates" (if by "debate" you mean "the howling of the monkeys flinging shit at the zoo"), Giuliani got all up in nutjob Libertarian Ron Paul's grill because Paul had the audacity to suggest that US foreign policy might, might have something to do with motivating terrorist attacks against the United States. Here's exactly what Paul said:

Have you ever read the reasons they attacked us? They attack us because we've been over there; we've been bombing Iraq for 10 years. We've been in the Middle East -- I think Reagan was right.

We don't understand the irrationality of Middle Eastern politics. So right now we're building an embassy in Iraq that's bigger than the Vatican. We're building 14 permanent bases. What would we say here if China was doing this in our country or in the Gulf of Mexico? We would be objecting. We need to look at what we do from the perspective of what would happen if somebody else did it to us.

--snip--

I'm suggesting that we listen to the people who attacked us and the reason they did it, and they are delighted that we're over there because Osama bin Laden has said, "I am glad you're over on our sand because we can target you so much easier." They have already now since that time -- (bell rings) -- have killed 3,400 of our men, and I don't think it was necessary.

Wow. That's really controversial, isn't it? Cause precedes effect. Oh my. However, since that pesky little thing known as "reason" has no place in Republican politics, Giuliani, howling and throwing shit like the finest piece of in-heat monkey ass in the world was just out of reach, screeched that Ron Paul must be off his meds. Rather than examine actual causes and try to prevent doing things that are the geopolitical equivalent of kicking a hornet's nest and then wondering why you're getting stung (oh, I'm not saying that we shouldn't find Osama bin Laden and throw him in a hole for the rest of his miserable fucking life, so don't get all pissy about that), Rudolph decided to attack Ron Paul. To wit:

Wendell, may I comment on that? That's really an extraordinary statement. That's an extraordinary statement, as someone who lived through the attack of September 11, that we invited the attack because we were attacking Iraq. I don't think I've heard that before, and I've heard some pretty absurd explanations for September 11th.

And I would ask the congressman to withdraw that comment and tell us that he didn't really mean that.

That's right, bitches. But it went on, as Ron Paul tried to use (gasp) a historical example to buttress his argument:

I believe very sincerely that the CIA is correct when they teach and talk about blowback. When we went into Iran in 1953 and installed the shah, yes, there was blowback. A reaction to that was the taking of our hostages and that persists. And if we ignore that, we ignore that at our own risk. If we think that we can do what we want around the world and not incite hatred, then we have a problem.

They don't come here to attack us because we're rich and we're free. They come and they attack us because we're over there. I mean, what would we think if we were -- if other foreign countries were doing that to us?

In case you're wondering, Paul's position is the same as set out in the US Government's 9/11 Commission Report (warning-PDF). But it's so much more fun and easy to say that "They hate us for our freedoms." Yeah, Giuliani fell back on the same tired-ass explanations for terrorism that were oh-so-popular immediately after 9/11 in a post-debate interview with talk show host and Republican cum bucket Sean Hannity--you can see the video here. I wonder if, during the "harsh interrogations," the idea of which get Giuliani's shriveled little penis semi-tumescent, the modern-day inquisitors ask the detainees why they hate our freedoms.

But what does all this have to do with Pat Robertson? I'm glad you asked. Two days after the 9/11 terror attacks, Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell got together on TV to combine their two-and-a-half functioning neurons into a brain trust for the ages, in an attempt to determine why these awful attacks had just taken place. You know what they blamed? Our freedoms.

Falwell said, "The ACLU has got to take a lot of blame for this. And I know I'll hear from them for this, but throwing God...successfully with the help of the federal court system...throwing God out of the public square, out of the schools, the abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked and when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad...I really believe that the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way, all of them who try to secularize America...I point the thing in their face and say you helped this happen."
Robertson said, "I totally concur, and the problem is we've adopted that agenda at the highest levels of our government, and so we're responsible as a free society for what the top people do, and the top people, of course, is the court system."

The word "hypocrite" doesn't begin to describe these two cocksuckers. Giuliani is running for president based on the fact that he wasn't visibly shitting himself on the morning of September 11, 2001. He wants to tear down a couple of centuries' worth of liberties to make sure that the people who "hate our freedom" won't have anything left to hate. If anyone suggests that there might be root causes for terrorism, he totally loses his shit. He also supports abortion rights, gay rights, has been seen in drag in public on several occasions, associates with suspected criminals, is a serial adulterer, and treats his ex-wives and his children like they carry the plague. Pat Robertson loudly declaims that abortion and homosexuality and feminism and, you know, our rights are why we endure terrorism, and also spent all of the Clinton years warning us that Clinton's sexual indiscretions were going to doom us all, because we just can't be led by people who enjoy orgasms and don't think that homosexuals should be confined to prison camps. It makes baby Jeebus angry. Also, in case you were wondering if Giuliani is actually the most "moral" of the Republican presidential candidates (according to the fucked-up morality of the Christian right, that is), Mike Huckabee is actually a Baptist minister. So Robertson could've thrown his support behind a candidate who is much more Republican Jeebus-friendly than Giuliani. But he didn't.

Giuliani and Robertson. They've teamed up.

So please, please Pat and Rudolph: Shut the fuck up. You two give hypocritical assholes a bad name.

2007-11-06T14:50:00.000-06:00

I Fear To Watch, Yet I Cannot Turn Away

Gregg Easterbrook, undated file photo.

God damn it. I did it again. Another Tuesday rolled around, and I just couldn't stop myself from reading Gregg Easterbrook. He's the David Brooks of ESPN--convinced that he knows everything, and that his opinions are handed down from god himself, but is in fact a blithering idiot.

This week, Easterbrook praises the shitty football programs at Nebraska and Notre Dame for their high graduation success rates. Later, in the same column, he bitches about the lack of mid-week televised college games. I just couldn't take it, so I wrote ESPN's resident Charlie Gordon an e-mail, which I now reproduce in full:

Mr. Easterbrook:

In this week's column, you praise the currently lousy Division I-A football programs at the University of Nebraska and the University of Notre Dame for their high athlete graduation success rates. Yet, later in the same column, you call for more mid-major football teams to play mid-week games so that television viewers will have more games to watch. These sentiments are glaringly inconsistent.

As an alumnus of a C-USA school (the University of Southern Mississippi), I can tell you that mid-week games are a disaster from an academic point of view. When I attended Southern Miss, C-USA started playing Thursday night games, which were broadcast on ESPN. When the Golden Eagles had a home game, the entire university would shut down in the early afternoon (libraries and all) so that alumni tailgaters could have the run of the campus. You may argue that such a decision is the fault of the university administration, and cannot be laid at the feet of the football schedule (and its attendant lucrative television contract), and you would have a case. However, the effect of mid-week games on athletes, from an academic point of view, is awful. Division I sports teams already place Herculean demands on athletes who wish to both play and further their educations, and mid-week football games turn a difficult balancing act into a near-impossible one--such
contests totally disrupt class and study schedules for the players. And, of course, attending classes and studying are rather important contributors to graduation success rates. Would you like to take a Friday morning exam after starting at tailback the night before? I'm guessing your answer would be an emphatic "no."

If you want universities to focus more on educating their athletes, great. If you simply don't care about the quality of instruction for athletes (or the rest of the student bodies), and just want more D I-A games televised, then you are welcome to that opinion, though I would disagree strongly. However, you simply cannot have both.

Thank you for your time.

I really, really hope he writes back, so I can call him a dumbass for complaining about the New Hampshire state-run liquor stores, too. I know, I know. I have no idea how he worked talking about one state's alcohol sales into a column that's supposed to be about football, but that's the magic of Easterbrook.

Oh, and did you notice the amazing lack of swearing in that e-mail? Yeah, it was tough. I had to stand up and yell "fuck fuck fuck fuck cocksucker motherfucker tax cuts for the rich shit" after I got done typing.

2007-11-04T07:27:00.000-06:00

Football? Damn Right. Football

Charlie Weis, Super Genius, drawing up game plans for Notre Dame.

First of all, allow me to say the following: AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Notre Dame is now 1-8. The Irish lost yesterday--to Navy.

That is not a typo. The last time the Middies beat Notre Dame, John F. Kennedy was President. He must have had conflicted emotions about that game.

I watched a good portion of the Navy-ND game, and it was astonishing. Charlie Weis, the Notre Dame coach, has a reputation for being a genius play-caller. I just didn't see that. Navy repeatedly used the highly innovative strategy of running the option on offense. That's right. Charlie Weis, Super Genius, couldn't stop an option play. The Navy offense ran for 261 yards on 66 attempts. They threw the ball nine times. Again, that is not a typo. The USNA's QB chucked the ball a grand total of nine times, two of which were interceptions. Knowing that his opponent wasn't going to pass, a coach with a reputation for phenomenal play calling couldn't stop a one-dimensional offense. And this wasn't the 1967 Green Bay Packer offense, either. Oh, no. I'm sure all the ND alumni are glad that Weis is getting 40 million bucks over the next eight years. That's the kind of money you pay a coach who does things that almost no one else has. Which, come to think of it, is what Weis is doing. I mean, it's been over four decades since Notre Dame lost to Navy. You really make a name for yourself if you can pull off a feat that hasn't been accomplished since the country was still on the gold standard.

I wonder what bowl game Notre Dame will end up going to this year.

Oh, and the Badgers stunk up the joint against Ohio State. But we kind of expected that, what without a starting D-line and all.

2007-10-30T14:51:00.000-05:00

You Really Don't Even Need To Ask Where This Happened. You Already Know.

You guessed it.

Seriously, Florida. WTF?

NAPLES, Fla. (AP) — A woman who had her 13-year-old daughter's genitalia pierced to make it uncomfortable for her to have sex was acquitted of aggravated child abuse on Thursday.

The girl, now 16, had testified that her mother asked a friend in 2004 to shave the girl's head to make her unattractive to boys and later held her down for the piercing.

A jury deliberated for about three hours before deciding the mother's actions didn't involve punishment or malicious intent, or cause permanent damage or disfigurement.

The 39-year-old woman, whose name is being withheld to protect her daughter's identity, could have faced up to 30 years in prison if convicted of the charges.

The girl was not in court for the verdict. Her guardian declined comment.

"She was trying to protect me, but it hurt me," the girl testified earlier this week. "It not only hurt me physically, but it hurt me mentally. ... That's emotionally scarring. That's physical abuse."

Prosecutors said the mother called on a friend to shave the girl's head and do the piercing after realizing that she had been having sex, including with the mother's boyfriend.

Defense attorneys told jurors that the mother had trouble with her rebellious daughter and that the girl agreed to the piercing to help rebuild her mother's trust.

Child welfare officials were called after the girl became infected from the piercing.

Tammy Meredith, 43, who did the piercing in her home, was sentenced to a year in jail for her role. An arrest warrant has been issued for the mother's boyfriend on allegations he had sex with the girl.

Let's look at one part of that article again:

"A jury deliberated for about three hours before deciding the mother's actions didn't involve punishment or malicious intent, or cause permanent damage or disfigurement."

WHAT THE FUCK?

There's so much wrong with that entire story, I just don't know where to begin.

2007-10-29T21:45:00.000-05:00

Come On, Guys

Come on, Packers.

You can do it.

Just hang on for five more minutes.

Please.

UPDATE: Wow. Way to put the "sudden" in sudden death. Great job, guys.

2007-10-25T22:48:00.000-05:00

How?

Don't get me wrong. I'm glad it happened, as I'm rooting for the boys from the Olde Towne this fall.

But how the hell do you get picked off playing in the World Series?

How, ferchrissakes?

2007-10-24T19:14:00.000-05:00

I've Got Some Bad News, and I've Got Some Good News (Brief Edition)

First, the bad news.

However, you don't have to be depressed about it.

2007-10-23T17:23:00.000-05:00

Make It Stop

Gregg Easterbrook: About as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

I don't know why, but I read another goddam Gregg Easterbrook sports column today.

Now I'm stupid again.

Please, for the love of Jeebus, learn from my mistake. Don't read Gregg Easterbrook. Don't let your friends and family read him, either.

2007-10-22T16:11:00.000-05:00

This Shit Is Hard to Believe

This is Glenn Beck.
He needs that microphone set on fire and rammed up his ass.

Glenn Beck has a show on CNN and a radio talk show. He's made lots of douchebaggy statements before, but he really raised the bar today.

He somehow drew a connection between people who "hate America" and the poor people losing their homes in and around San Diego today. Unlike the delusional religious cockbags, he doesn't even claim that it's some sort of divine retribution. No, he just glories in the loss of others for its own sake.

BECK: Schwarzenegger came out over the weekend and he said the Republicans need to run to the center and they need to grab the center. And the headline -- I looked at it, and I went "OK, OK, what is this? What is this? Oh, it's Schwarzenegger. I'm probably going to disagree with it." And then I started reading it, and I absolutely disagreed with it. He said they need to start talking about health care and education. That's not the way to win.

Let's talk about health care and education? That's not the way to win. That's not the way to win on any front. I'm not even talking about -- the least I care about is winning the election. How about winning the war? How about saving our country? And, you know, it made me think. I want to make this very clear. When I say on the air, and I've said it a lot lately, that we need to come together and we need to get back into the center, we're being pushed on to the edges -- I want you to understand, that is not on policies. I don't mean that we come in the center on policies. We come to the center on principles. We come back to the center of the melting pot, that we're all one America, that just because I disagree with you doesn't mean you hate America, and I love America. We all love America. We just disagree on how we should function, what we should do, big government, small government. It doesn't mean you hate America. I think there is a handful of people who hate America. Unfortunately for them, a lot of them are losing their homes in a forest fire today.

That's a direct quote. What could possibly make someone say such a thing? Is he:

deranged,
dead inside,
just a rotten piece of shit,
an accurate representative of the modern Republican Party, or
all of the above?

You know the correct answer.

Just what do these rotten bastards have to do to get fired?

Found over at First Draft.

2007-10-22T12:10:00.000-05:00

Scratch Your Temple

Can you figure it out? I can't.

Dear Pennsylvania-based professional football head coaches, defensive coordinators, and teams:

The game is 60 minutes long. Please take note.

Thank you.

Seriously, Philadelphia. You let the Bears--the Bears!--drive 97 yards in 1:40 with no timeouts, and you give up the game-winning touchdown playing a soft defense? When they got down to your 15-yard-line, Andy Reid, and they stopped the clock by going out of bounds, why didn't you call a timeout? You had two left. The game clock wasn't going to start running again. Your defense was on its heels and needed a breather and a plan. You, however, let the Bears control the speed of the game, and they beat you. In your house. That fumble that was ruled a false start, though, wasn't your fault. That's a dumb-ass rule. Dumb-ass rules notwithstanding, you lost a game you should have won.

And you, Pittsburgh Steelers, you of the vaunted defense. You let a great fourth-quarter comeback count for nothing. You also let the Broncos score more points than they have all season. They scored eight fewer points against the Raiders, fergawdsakes. You gave up a 49-yard drive in the final 1:10, including an inexcusably stupid offsides penalty that gave Denver and extra five yards and, in effect, another timeout. Granted, you wouldn't have been guaranteed a win, but a chance in overtime is better than no chance as time expires.

Sweet jeebus, Eagles and Steelers. Rush three, drop eight. You know they're gonna pass. Maybe you can get a coverage sack. And, for the love of gnutella, can you jam their fucking receivers at the line? It's legal, you know, and it kind of disrupts their routes.

On a final football note--great job, Reggie Bush. You bulled through two dudes to get a touchdown when you really needed one. Outstanding play.

In baseball news, the Red Sox are headed to the World Series again. Let's hope they do as well as the last time they played for the MLB championship.

2007-10-19T15:25:00.000-05:00

Craziness

Lookit the man in the fire.

So a bunch of people in Poland thing that they've seen the former Pope's image in flames.

Now, I haven't been a fan of the Catholic church since I was a wee lad. And I haven't been at all religious in many, many years. So I don't buy any of this crap for a second However, if I were a good Catholic, why would I want to see His Departed Holiness in flames? Wouldn't that send a very, very bad message to the faithful and any potential converts out there?

"Look! It's the Pope, contacting us from Hell!"

Not exactly inspiring stuff. Alternatively, given Holy Mother Church's past penchant for burning heretics at the stake, I don't think anyone should be bragging about seeing a Pope in a bonfire.

What else can you see in the flames? Here's what I came up with in a minute or so:

Koala bear silhouette
O.J. Running to the Hertz car rental counter
Wolverine's head
A random grouping of photons emitted due to the oxidation of a source of fuel

Criminy.

2007-10-18T08:41:00.000-05:00

Improve Your Communication Skills

Like this, but funnier.

Courtesy of our favorite cartoonist, the lovely and talented Ms. Hobbes, we bring you the Douche Card.

When subtle hints and spoken reprimands just won't do, consider using the Douche Card.

Hallmark probably doesn't approve, but fuck 'em.

If the Douche Card doesn't work, however, you might consider the Visualize Bat.

Tools you can use.

2007-10-16T12:38:00.000-05:00

Vomit-Inducing Headline of the ~~Day~~ ~~Year~~ ~~Century~~ Rest of Eternity

This shit has nothing on the following headline.

Michelle Malkin Quits O'Reilly After Nasty Three-Way

We guess Michelle Malkin won't be coming to town to guest-host for Bill O'Reilly anymore. She just quit forever, after a three-way conservative-pundit street fight that has left our minds reeling a little bit. For those weren't paying attention (we weren't, until now), what happened was this: Crazy attention whore Geraldo Rivera told the Boston Globe that crazy attention whore Malkin was "the most vile, hateful commentator I've ever met … It’s good she’s in D.C. and I’m in N.Y. I’d spit on her if I saw her.” Later, when O'Reilly asked him if he wanted to say something about it on the show because, he said, Malkin's "feelings were hurt." (Saying this he came across, weirdly, as almost grandfatherly and sane.) Rivera did apologized for his "ungentlemanly" and "ungallant" words — "I never spit!" he said — but couldn't help qualifying that he disagreed with everything Malkin said and basically indicating that he thought she was an asshole.

Then Ann Coulter chimed in and said Geraldo was an asshole, and furthermore that his overgrown mustache was full of tortilla chips and Michael Jackson's love juice. (No, she didn't, but if she had chimed in that's what we imagine she might have said.) Then Malkin referred to his mea culpa on her Website as "a whiny, effeminate, blame-the-victim bleat," and soon after decided that she wasn't going to be a victim of mean-spirited insults, and if anyone really loved her they could go over to her blog where she would be hurling them at others.

Thanks, New York magazine!

You fuckers.

2007-10-12T07:48:00.001-05:00

1.6 Million Dollars? For That Shithole?

What a dump.

That's right. This is a toilet-shaped house. Amazingly, it isn't in Florida. It's in South Korea. Maybe it's something about peninsulas.

Sim Jae-Duck was born in a restroom and now he plans to live and die in one -- a 1.6 million dollar toilet-shaped house designed to promote his tireless campaign for cleaner loos worldwide.

Sim will open what is billed as the world's one and only toilet house on November 11 to mark the launch of his World Toilet Association.

The 419-square-metre (4,508-sq-foot) concrete and glass structure is rising on the site of Sim's former home in his native city of Suweon, 40 kilometres (24 miles) south of Seoul.

Before he moves in, anyone who is flush with funds can rent it for 50,000 dollars a day -- with proceeds going to his campaign to provide poor countries with proper sanitary facilities.

Apart from two bedrooms, two guestrooms and other rooms, the two-storey house -- of course -- features three deluxe toilets. Unlike the giant "toilet" in which they are located, they will not be see-through affairs.

"A showcase bathroom screened by a glass wall is located in its centre, while other toilets have elegant fittings or water conservation devices," Sim told AFP.

The showcase loo will feature a device producing a mist to make users feel secure. An electronic sensor will raise the lid automatically when people enter, and there will also be music for patrons.

The house, complete with a stream and small garden in front, is named Haewoojae, meaning "a place of sanctuary where one can solve one's worries".

Yes. Solve one's worries. Or something like that. Sheesh.

2007-10-11T13:46:00.000-05:00

I Knew I Should've Waited

These two screeching harpies were joined by their lord and master, Satan, shortly after the above photo was taken.

It looks like I called "what the fuck" on the wrong story today. Sure, it's mildly bizarre that the family of George Gipp pulled his old bones out of the ground for DNA testing, but that's nothing compared to the latest from Ann Coulter.

During the October 8 edition of CNBC's The Big Idea, host Donny Deutsch asked right-wing pundit Ann Coulter: "If you had your way ... and your dreams, which are genuine, came true ... what would this country look like?" Coulter responded, "It would look like New York City during the [2004] Republican National Convention. In fact, that's what I think heaven is going to look like." She described the convention as follows: "People were happy. They're Christian. They're tolerant. They defend America." Deutsch then asked, "It would be better if we were all Christian?" to which Coulter responded, "Yes." Later in the discussion, Deutsch said to her: "[Y]ou said we should throw Judaism away and we should all be Christians," and Coulter again replied, "Yes." When pressed by Deutsch regarding whether she wanted to be like "the head of Iran" and "wipe Israel off the Earth," Coulter stated: "No, we just want Jews to be perfected, as they say. ... That's what Christianity is. We believe the Old Testament, but ours is more like Federal Express. You have to obey laws."

After a commercial break, Deutsch said that "Ann said she wanted to explain her last comment," and asked her, "So you don't think that was offensive?" Coulter responded: "No. I'm sorry. It is not intended to be. I don't think you should take it that way, but that is what Christians consider themselves: perfected Jews. We believe the Old Testament. As you know from the Old Testament, God was constantly getting fed up with humans for not being able to live up to all the laws. What Christians believe -- this is just a statement of what the New Testament is -- is that that's why Christ came and died for our sins. Christians believe the Old Testament. You don't believe our testament." Coulter later said: "We consider ourselves perfected Christians. For me to say that for you to become a Christian is to become a perfected Christian is not offensive at all."

Wow. Go read the entire transcript. This woman is fucking nuts. I wonder if Pammycakes regrets her previous support for Ann Coulter. Funny--Pammy hasn't commented just yet.

I, for one, think it's a great idea to let all the religious people be intolerant of one another. I've gotten awfully sick of all this "person of faith" bullshit lately. The precepts of different religions matter--if you make your religion a part of your public self, then said religion should be open to scrutiny. As it stands right now, people claim to be religious, then claim exemption from the examination of their beliefs. That's stupid.

2007-10-11T07:02:00.001-05:00

A Thursday "What the Fuck?"

Let me be, goddammit!

It seems that the Gipp family, for undisclosed reasons, has exhumed the body of George Gipp for DNA testing. If you don't know who George Gipp was, he played football for Notre Dame early in the 20th century. He contracted pneumonia and died in his senior year.

So this unexplained disinterment is kind of bizarre. But leave it to ESPN to be extra classy by filming the entire thing. I don't know what kind of footage you could get from the exhumation of an almost ninety-year-old grave. But I'm not a television producer.

And who knew that the 1980 movie Airplane! would be prophetic?

The last thing he said to me, doc, he said, "Sometime when the crew is up against it, the breaks are beating the boys, tell them to get out there and give it all they got and win just one for the Zipper. I don't know where I'll be then doc, he said, but I won't smell too good, that's for sure.

2007-10-09T14:16:00.000-05:00

Baseball

Cry, cry, cry, bitches.

I'm gonna talk about baseball today. And maybe football, but probably not. I would talk about the Frost family, but I get so fucking mad I can't see when I think about that story. You can find plenty of links to that, most of which contain far better writing than you'll see here. Sorry no-empathy-having motherfuckers on the extreme right. Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em all.

Anyway, the princelings of the Bronx got eliminated from the Major League Baseball postseason last night in a game that was far more one-sided than the final score would lead you to believe. The goddamn announcers were almost pulling for the Yankees--when they pulled to within three runs of the Indians, they were beside themselves with glee, saying stupid shit like "the Yankees are right back in this thing!" Uh, assholes? They're still down by three scores. Calm the fuck down. TBS announcers at the Yankee game: Fuck 'em.

Of course, the TBS announcers are nothing compared to the Yankee announcers. Suzyn Waldman broke down and cried on the air after the game. That's right. Cried. Over a team that she doesn't play for losing a game in which they played like shit from the opening pitch. Yankee announcers: Fuck 'em.

The crowd reaction shots at the end of the game, however, were priceless. All these smug, arrogant Yankee fans were just crushed that their team of superstars had just had their asses handed to them by Cleveland. "Cleveland? Isn't that somewhere close to St. Louis? Who's from there, anyway?" Yankee fans: Fuck 'em.

And fuck Joe Torre, crying little bitch. All things considered, though, he's head and shoulders above George Steinbrenner in the Quality-of-Human-Being department. Steinbrenner may be the worst boss since employers shot striking workers and their families. He's such an asshole, he could easily transition into a job with the Bush Administration--probably something like Secretary of Fucking Over Children Who Need Healthcare. That'd be right up his street. I hope the Yankees stay in the AL East cellar until that prick's mouldering in his grave. George Steinbrenner: Fuck 'im.

So that's my 2007 ALDS wrap-up. I hope Boston goes on to win the series, but I wouldn't mind seeing Cleveland take it all, either.

And, once again, just for the late, great Steve Gilliard: Fuck the fuckin' Yankees!

2007-10-08T08:07:00.000-05:00

Take Cover

Trust me on this one.

Big news today. Not that you'd know if you looked at, say, the Today show. More breaking news about the ten-year-old death of Princess Diana! More on the missing British child! A nude photoshoot at Miami Beach! And so on.

No, no. The Israeli PM is talking about the division of Jerusalem as a step toward a Levantine peace agreement. It's kind of a half-assed division, but that won't stop the nuts in America from screaming about traitors and dhimmis and all the other cliches they love to bleat about from their secure remove on this side of the Atlantic.

And the Pammycakes explosion will commence in 5, 4, 3,...

2007-10-07T08:55:00.000-05:00

Geaux Tigers

I eated a gator.

Great fourth-quarter comeback by LSU last night. Kudos to coach Les Miles for playing for a win rather than a tie. It was also fun to see USC lose to Stanford. Stanford? Damn.

Also, the less said about this week's Wisconsin and USM games the better.

Now if only we can have a good day in the pros, as opposed to last weekend's Make-Your-Bookie-Rich Sunday.

2007-10-02T08:41:00.000-05:00

Benito Giuliani: Motherfucker of the Day

I know! I can't believe this idiots pay to hear me speak, either!

First there was the whole telephone thing--which isn't an isolated incident, by the way.

Now he's showing how racist he can be for the Republican primary voters.

Republican presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani campaigned Monday at a landmark South Philadelphia cheesesteak stand that grabbed headlines when it posted signs telling customers to speak English.

In June 2006, Geno's Steaks garnered national attention for posting two small signs stating, "This is America: When ordering 'please speak English.'"

Giuliani, who has toughened his stance on immigration policy since his time as mayor of New York City, said recently that all immigrants who want to become U.S. citizens should learn English. Giuliani also opposed the bipartisan immigration overhaul backed by President Bush.

Yet as mayor of New York, Giuliani often spoke positively about illegal immigrants, telling The New York Times in 1994, "If you come here, and you work hard, and you happen to be in an undocumented status, you're one of the people who we want in this city."

Giuliani denied changing his view on immigration.

"Immigration is wonderful," Giuliani said. "Immigration is the best thing we have going for us. We need new people. We need people who are going to inform us, give us new ideas, but it has to be legal.

"Illegal immigration is a bad thing."

Both Giuliani and Republican challenger Mitt Romney have spoken favorably of 2006 legislation providing a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants; they opposed a similar bill earlier this year.

Giuliani has pledged to closely track immigrants with tamperproof identity cards, bolster fencing and high-tech surveillance along the border with Mexico and deport illegal immigrants who commit felonies.

Geno's owner Joe Vento said he posted the signs because of concerns over immigration reform and the increasing number of people who could not order in English.

Vento said his grandparents struggled to learn English after arriving from Sicily in the 1920s, and insisted that no one has ever been turned away from his business for not speaking English.

A discrimination case by the city's human relations commission is pending against Geno's.

Geno's, along with cross-street rival Pat's King of Steaks, is crowded round-the-clock with tourists and locals lining up for the signature Philadelphia sandwiches.

Mega motherfuckery. If he wanted to prove he was racist, why didn't he just point to the record of the NYPD while he was mayor?

Giuliani's grandparents were immigrants. I kind of doubt they spoke the Queen's English, and I'd be willing to bet lots of money that they spoke Italian far more often than they spoke English (if, indeed, they ever learned it). That's just what immigrants do. Their children and grandchildren learn the language of their adopted homeland, but it's very fucking difficult for most adult humans to learn new languages.

Oh, and Geno's cheesesteaks suck ass, anyway.

Finally, have you noticed this striking similarity?

Brothers?

Slight edit for clarity.

2007-10-02T08:16:00.001-05:00

What the Fuck?

No, seriously. What. The. Fuck?

This is Debra Cagan, Deputy Assistant Secretary for Coalition Affairs to Defense Secretary Robert Gates. That's right. She's a government official, and she looks like a middle-aged refugee from a Kraftwerk cult.

Oh, and she said something amazingly stupid from an international-relations point of view, as well. Hit the link to find out.

Are the people in charge these days trying to make our country a punch line for the next 1,000 years? If so, then Mission Fucking Accomplished.

A friend captured my reaction to seeing the above photo:

2007-09-28T10:35:00.000-05:00

Limbaugh: Still Ten Pounds of Shit in a Five-Pound Sack

Rush Limbaugh, undated file photo.

I'd like to meet the estimable (as in, "Guess how much of a douchebag he is") Rush Limbaugh one day.

And kick him square in his shriveled little nuts.

Once again, for the record, this fuckmook avoided going to Vietnam. But he thinks he can talk shit about people who have had their ass in the grass and then criticize the leaders who put them there. Bull. Fucking. Shit.

"Phony soldiers."

Christ, he's a rotten excuse for a human being.

2007-09-27T13:05:00.000-05:00

Unabashed Motherfuckery

Republican Jesus loves us. That's all we need.

You wanna see some motherfuckery in action? Go check out the Family Research Council's "prayer team" assignment this week.

You see, God hates health care for all citizens. Betcha didn't know that, did you? For extra credit, look up the Bible verses they cite as support. Nah, fuck that. I'll just put them here.

Exodus 15:26: And said, If thou wilt diligently hearken to the voice of the LORD thy God, and wilt do that which is right in his sight, and wilt give ear to his commandments, and keep all his statutes, I will put none of these diseases upon thee, which I have brought upon the Egyptians: for I am the LORD that healeth thee.

Looks to me like that's a pretty specific injunction regarding how the Hebrews in the Sinai were to behave to avoid the plagues and such that Yahweh God had previously sent on the Egyptians. You know, before he got pissed at them and made them wander around in the fucking desert for forty years. But what the fuck do I know?

Mark 12:17: And Jesus answering said unto them, Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar's, and to God the things that are God's. And they marvelled at him.

I have no fucking idea why they included this one. If the government (which, technically, is us) decides that health insurance should be universal and paid for through taxation (like, you know, all the other fucking industrialized countries in the world), then couldn't you cite this verse as support of universal health care? I don't get why this verse used in an attempt to bolster their position.

John 10:10: The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.

Again, I don't know exactly what these dipshits are getting at here. This verse appears as part of Jesus' Parable of the Good Shepherd, where Jesus talks about how he cares for his flock, says he'll die for them, and hints at his own divinity. Also, you could cite this verse as Jesus' support for medical care for everyone--wouldn't that mean having life, and having it more abundantly?

A little later on in this prayer injunction, Anthony Perkins (no, that's really his name) rails against the SCHIP program, too. I guess he interprets Jesus saying "Suffer the little children to come unto me," he thinks that means that Christ wants lots of sick kids to die so they can go to heaven. Or something.

At least the fuckin' Christian Scientists are consistent with this shit. No health care for anyone, not just the poor.

Funny. You never see these "Christian" Republicans quoting things like "Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me." That's Matthew 25:40, in case you were wondering.

The Christian religion doesn't support one or another political party. I'm not religious, but when I see these charlatan motherfuckers waving religiosity around as a way to support a regressive social agenda, it makes me angry. Are there any religious people out there that are personally offended by these cheap tricks? If so, why don't we ever hear from them?

Thanks to the Rude Pundit for the link.

2007-09-25T08:30:00.000-05:00

Just A Closer Walk

Off to St. Louis Cemetery to bury the Saints' season.

Please, please, please, New Orleans Saints--stop.

Just stop.

Must...resist...urge...to...put...bag...on...head.....

2007-09-23T15:15:00.000-05:00

Dear Packers

I'm sorry I doubted you today. Please forgive me. At least I didn't bet against you.

Love,

Jude

P.S. That was a hell of a game. Thanks.

2007-09-22T09:34:00.000-05:00

In Which We Learn More About How We Have All Been Affected By The Fucked-Up "Morals" Of A Few Preening Douchebags

Ken Burns has a new documentary coming out. This one's about World War II, and is entitled, simply, The War. It's kind of a last chance to get a lot of first-person perspectives about the war on record. Like his other movies, this one will no doubt be very thorough, and it will probably move at a snail's pace.

Now, you'd probably think that a thorough documentary about war would contain some awful images, and you'd be right. But that's not what has a few people's knickers in a twist. PBS has sent two copies of the film to its stations. Why? Because of dirty words. The stations are nervous about FCC fines if they air the uncut version.

Four dirty words. Two of which are in acronyms--FUBAR and SNAFU--and aren't really even spoken, if I understand correctly. The other two are "shit" and "asshole."

So, if you're keeping score at home:

Images of people on fire, decapitations, stabbing, evisceration, and all manner of human suffering: Okay.

Saying the word "asshole": Verboten.

Four words in fifteen hours of film.

Now, because of the special place accorded to war (especially to World War II) in our society, it's not very likely that the FCC would hand down fines for this particular movie. But the fact that PBS is nervous enough to distribute two copies of this film to all its affiliates is a god-damned shame. And the fact that the FCC probably won't care because this film is about war is equally to be lamented.

Once more, with feeling: If you don't like the content of a particular program, change the motherfucking channel, asshole. And maybe, just maybe, consider what you consider offensive and why.

A quick aside about SNAFU. During the war, the US Army contracted with Warner Brothers Studios to produce a series of short animated films about the misadventures of a character named--wait for it--Private Snafu. That's right. The private was created by Frank Capra, some of the stories were written by Dr. Seuss, the voices were provided by Mel Blanc, and the films were produced by Leon Schlesinger and directed by such animation legends as Friz Freleng, Chuck Jones, and Bob Clampett. If you've watched a lot of Bugs Bunny cartoons, those names will look very familiar to you.

Private Snafu had two brothers--Tarfu and Fubar.

2007-09-21T15:55:00.000-05:00

Hilarious

Blog this, motherfucker.

Some days, Fark really kicks ass.

Today is one of those days.

2007-09-19T07:16:00.000-05:00

Ahoy!

Stand fast, ye cowardly dogs!

Ahoy, mates! Today be Talk Like a Pirate Day! Stand ready--sail spotted three points off the port bow. We've got the weather gauge, and we'll be on 'em afore the day is out. A gold crown fer the bloodthirsty savage what lands the first grapple t' that hull!

Jon, I dare you to talk like a pirate all day at work. I'll bet you won't do it. You don't have the balls. No balls!

2007-09-19T07:05:00.000-05:00

My Apologies

Yesterday, this would have seemed like a good idea to me.
(Click to enlarge)

I didn't post anything yesterday--sorry.

I read a Gregg Easterbrook column in the morning, and caught one of those 24-hour stupids that you're prone to get when you read that dreck.

Fortunately, I didn't do any online shopping, and I managed to wake up today without having purchased a time share. So it could've been worse.

2007-09-17T11:16:00.000-05:00

Fuck the Fuckin' Yankees, Part MDCLXVIII

Thanks for being such a class act, Shelley.

Yeah, you're a New York Yankee.

Yeah, the Boston fans always give you shit.

But when a kid asks you for an autograph, just be a man, sign the fucking thing, smile at the kid, and go on with your life. Asshole.

Talk about sore winners.

Griffin Whitman, a 10-year-old Red Sox [team stats] fan from Swampscott, was excited to attend his first Yankees vs. Red Sox game Friday night. The young autograph -collector was even more thrilled to score Yankees outfielder Shelley Duncan’s signature before the game. That is, until Griffin read the message from the 27-year-old rookie: “Red Sox suck! Shelley Duncan.”

“It was cool to get his autograph,” Griffin said. “It didn’t make me feel happy when he wrote that.”

The goddam game hadn't even started yet. Way to ruin a kid's night at the park. You cocksucker. It's only Monday, and you've won Douchebag of the Week.

2007-09-16T13:06:00.000-05:00

Dear New Orleans Saints

Oh Saints, hear my plea.

Dear New Orleans Saints:

When you come back out of the locker room after the half, could you please make sure that you leave all of the suck behind?

Thanks. We'd appreciate that.

UPDATE, 2 pm: You fuckers just don't listen, do you? Don't make me stock up on these:

If this kind of play keeps up, the bags will be back.

2007-09-14T17:57:00.000-05:00

Actual, For-Real, No Shit Good News

Looking up

Mychal Bell is no longer looking at 20+ years in Angola.

His aggravated battery charge was thrown out of court.

This is excellent news. Bell is one of the "Jena Six," a group of African-American students in tiny Jena, Louisiana, who got in a fight with some white kids after some shit that even I was surprised to hear about. Jena, by the way, is in cracker Louisiana, not Cajun Louisiana. Earlier in the school year, a few black kids sat under a tree whose shade had traditionally only been enjoyed by white kids. Sounds silly, right? Wrong. This shit is dead serious. Informal segregation over the pettiest shit is still very common all over the US, not just down South. However, the response by some of the white kids was fucking shocking. The next day, three nooses were hanging from the tree.

Fucking nooses.

That is an un-fucking-mistakable message in a place where, in living memory, lynching was common.

The kids who hung the nooses were suspended for a few days.

Some days later, in what may be an unrelated incident (and if a frog had wings he wouldn't hit his ass every time he hopped), these six children were indicted--originally for attempted murder--for beating up a white child at school. Bell was tried and convicted of aggravated battery. By an all-white jury. Really. He could've gotten 22 1/2 years in prison.

This is only a thumbnail sketch. If you don't know all about what happened in Jena, read up on it. The Group News Blog, for one, has been on this story since the beginning.

Charges against two of the other six boys have also been reduced. The other three charges need to be changed, but this is a very, very good start. I thought that, when you got in a fight at school, you got a few days' suspension. They shouldn't even face juvie charges for this shit.

2007-09-14T06:21:00.000-05:00

Dark Day

Some days are so awful that they deserve notice.

Thirty-three years ago today, I was born. This inauspicious event, down in sleepy Biloxi, Mississippi, has led to untold sadness for millions around the world.

There's no excuse for my existence; as I was conceived after Roe v. Wade, my parents could have chosen not to burden the planet with my existence. That my mother carried me to term says something about her misanthropy.

So weep a little bit today--for humanity, for the world, and for the fact that I continue to exist.

Not only that, I'm not going anywhere soon. I've got another forty years left in me fueled just by spite alone.

2007-09-13T10:23:00.000-05:00

Thank You, T. Herman Zweibel

Yes. Yes, indeed.

How long do you think it'll be before Mr. Falafel denounces the Onion as a leftist hate-site?

Maybe We Should Try Coddling The Terrorists

I want to make myself clear, right from the get-go: I hate terrorism. Those of you who follow the Factor know that I have never been a fan. Never will be either. I think what they do, particularly to children, violence-wise, is unforgivable.

That said, I'm beginning to suspect that we've been going about this War on Terror all wrong. Before, I said we should treat the terrorists like the vile dogs that they are. But even vile dogs respond well to getting patted once in a while. So perhaps the best way to stop these jihadists from destroying our way of life is to do what the liberals have been proposing all along: start coddling them.

The "blame America first" crowd wants to invite these crazed Islamic extremists to visit Main Street USA, and I say let's give it a shot. Let's invite them into our homes, put them up in the guest bedroom with the good linens, and fluff up their pillows real nice. But let's not stop there. Let's take those heartless murderers out to our finest restaurants, order them appetizers and wine and dessert and then pick up the tab.

Look, folks, we don't really have a lot of options left. We've spent six long years fighting this war, and I don't feel any more safe than I did when we began. So why not call up this Muqtada al-Sadr fellow and tell him that the whole Iraqi shooting match is his for the taking?

Now, I haven't gone soft. I've never taken the easy road and I'm not about to start. Make no mistake, terrorists are no better than cockroaches. But as with cockroaches, if you see one, that means there are dozens more, and the more you kill them, the more there seem to be. We've tried isolating these bloodthirsty killers, bombing them, waterboarding them, locking them away in secret prisons, and still they hang on. But you know what we haven't tried? Rolling out the red carpet and treating them like royalty.

Take Osama bin Laden, for example. He's still a sworn foe of mine, but trying to smoke him out of his hole hasn't been working too well. We can't seem to find this guy through violence and intimidation, so let's send him a fruit basket instead. Let's pamper him and the rest of his evil band of freedom haters.

I know I've been saying for years that we're fighting them in Baghdad so we don't have to fight them in Boston. That hasn't been working out so well, and maybe it was the wrong strategy all along. Perhaps we can book them a few flights into town, make them the guests of honor at a fancy-schmancy tea party, and ask them what we did wrong to make them hate us so much in the first place. We'll eagerly listen to their demands, and immediately cave in to them. I don't care how outlandish those demands are, just give these folks what they want. We're a rich nation; we can afford it.

Folks, here's the bottom line: I don't want to die.

There's a bit more, and it's oh so good.

Cross-posted at First Draft.

2007-09-12T10:38:00.000-05:00

Everything About This Is Funny

Stolen, without regret, from the Group News Blog.

Enjoy!

2007-09-12T10:16:00.000-05:00

Even More Good Fucking News

¡Ay yi yi! ¡No me gustan las abejas!

Great. Just fucking great.

Like the people of New Orleans didn't have enough shit to worry about already. The federal flood, levee problems, fucking FEMA, no-bid contracts, and now? Killer bees.

Africanized honeybees, a fierce hybrid strain sometimes referred to as "killer bees," appear to have established themselves in the New Orleans area, the state agriculture commissioner said.

A swarm of the bees was captured about five miles from where demolition workers found a colony of Africanized bees in January, commissioner Bob Odom said Tuesday.

The most recent find was close enough to the earlier find that the bees might have come from the same colony. But they might also have flown ashore from a passing ship or barge, Odom said in a news release.

"Although the exact source can't be identified, we have to assume Africanized honeybees are now established in the area and people should be careful when working outside," Odom said.

The Department of Agriculture and Forestry keeps traps along a north-south line through the state and at all deepwater ports to monitor the bees, which are smaller and more aggressive than the European honeybees raised for honey.

"Because Africanized bees have been labeled 'killer bees' for years, there's an idea around that they are bigger than European honeybees," Odom said. "The truth is they're actually smaller but a lot fiercer."

They have the same venom as honeybees, but attack in groups. Experts recommend that anyone confronted with Africanized bees find cover quickly.

Africanized bees are the result of an experiment to increase honey production in Brazil. A swarm escaped a lab in 1957 and headed north. When they mated with native strains, the offspring were as aggressive as the African parents.

They reached Texas in 1990 and have spread west to California and east to Florida. They were first found in Louisiana in Caddo Parish, in June 2005, and identified the following month. They have moved steadily east since then, and were most recently found near Pecan Island and Turkey Creek.

I know that this is, at most, a minor annoyance. But New Orleanians don't need any more annoyances of any kind.

Which means you need to do a much better job this weekend, Drew Brees. Yeah, I'm lookin' at you.

Cross-posted at First Draft, where I'm guest-fucking-up for a while.

2007-09-11T14:38:00.000-05:00

Surprise!

He might have given a more honest assessment.

That Petraeus guy that all the Republicans and the media types love so much?

Yeah, he's a lying tool.

I was shocked, too. Who would ever think that a general would tailor his public report to support his civilian superiors' positions, no matter how untrue his public presentation was?

No one could have anticipated the failure of the general's honesty.

2007-09-09T08:08:00.000-05:00

Think Before You Speak

Sage advice.

Have a good laugh thanks to the Denver Post and Sherrie Tippie.

I love that smell. Don't you just love it? Nothing smells better to me. I was born for beavers.

When people complain about beavers, they don't know enough about them.

I'd never even seen a beaver. Never thought of a beaver.

There are many other amusing sentences in that article. Ms. Tippie, for all the fun we're poking at her, is doing something very nice out in Colorado. It's not her fault that we here at Punch and Jude have the sense of humor of a twelve-year-old boy. So kudos to her.

2007-09-08T22:18:00.000-05:00

God Damn

The best goddamn peaches in the world.

Ruston, Louisiana is home to the greatest peaches you'll ever eat. Once you have some Ruston peaches, you'll never want any of that inferior Georgia shit again. Ruston is in north-central Louisiana. Nothing about that part of the state is Cajun or Creole. No, it's all crackers there.

Anyway, Ruston, Louisiana is also home to Louisiana Tech University, whose most famous alumnus is former Pittsburgh Steeler and current FOX Sports figure Terry Bradshaw. He only went to LA Tech because he couldn't score high enough on the ACT to get into LSU. This fact will give pause to those of you who are familiar with LSU.

Okay. Now that we've covered all of that, let's get to talking about football.

Louisiana Tech hosted the University of Hawai'i tonight. And the Bulldogs almost beat the Warriors. This is some amazing shit. Hawai'i should have rolled right over LA Tech. The Hawai'i quarterback, Colt Brennan, is absofuckinglutely amazing. He threw for 548 yards tonight (the team added another 36 total yards rushing). But those crazy crackers from north Louisiana put up a hell of a fight. They took the 'Bows (UH used to be the Rainbows--a name they should have kept) into overtime. LA Tech lost by one point, 45-44. And they lost because they tried a two-point conversion in overtime. They could have just kicked an extra point and gone to a second OT, but they tried to win it rather than extend the game. Fucking awesome.

I should also mention that Hawai'i was ranked 20th prior to this game. Louisiana Tech wasn't anywhere near the top 25 poll. We all love a good underdog story. So here it is. Go Bulldogs. Hell of a game, guys.

Oh, and Oregon beat the pants off of Michigan in Ann Arbor today, 39-7, giving Michigan its first 0-2 start at home in almost 50 years. My boys at Southern Miss lost in Knoxville, the Badgers seem to have things in hand in Las Vegas, and I'm still pissed about the Colts-Saints game on Thursday. I know that's not college, but damn. I mean, damn.

2007-09-06T00:26:00.000-05:00

Sta Dormendo

Rest in peace, Signore Pavarotti

2007-09-03T06:51:00.000-05:00

Labor Day

Legless former coal miner

It's Labor Day. Enjoy, everyone.

Labor Day is one of those holidays that never seems to invite reflection on the meaning of why we have it. It is, for the United States, a strange holiday indeed. Honoring workers and unions is on the list of things to do right after dismantling the military-industrial complex and instituting a Free Puppies For All program. But take a little time to think about why we take the day off today; why the 40-hour week is standard; why we have weekends, vacations, somewhat decent wages, and other things that piss off the rich folks but make life enjoyable for the rest of us. Granted, we lag far behind the rest of the industrialized world in giving workers a fair shake, but labor movements gave us the amenities we do have (not, of course, without a lot of hard work, struggle, and bloodshed).

Every Memorial Day, we are instructed to thank a veteran or current service member for what they have done for us. Today, thank a worker for making society run. The sacrifices of all of us who labor are forever overlooked.

2007-09-01T17:19:00.000-05:00

Football Season

The Mr. Bush that New Orleans loves. Not that President asshole.

It's that time of the year again. Strap on your safety belts and get ready, because it's time for another season of college and professional football.

So go Saints, go Packers, go Badgers, go (USM) Eagles, and go Pats.

Also, I'm going to kick the shit out of everyone in my fantasy league this year. Get ready, assholes.

2007-08-31T10:08:00.000-05:00

In Which I Resolve Never To Return To Texas

Fuck that.

Too many spiders. I've seen this sort of thing in Guam, and we had gigantic web-dwelling spiders where I grew up, but I never saw this kind of nonsense in the continental US.

In other news, everybody and his brother (well, not my brother) wrote about the two-year anniversary of Katrina. That shit depresses me something bad, so I avoided it. Sorry to disappoint all three of you who read this regularly.

From what I understand, things don't look like this everywhere back home anymore. I guess that's something to be happy about.

This was a great place to eat, once upon a time.

2007-08-29T10:06:00.000-05:00

Busy Day

So sorry. I'll try to have something later, but I'm very busy today.

2007-08-28T13:45:00.000-05:00

More Like This, Please

Former FEMA Director Michael Brown testifying to Congress about the size of his dick.

John Edwards has a really good idea, and it's got a pithy, memorable, funny term: Brownie's Law.

Former Sen. John Edwards said at a Hurricane Katrina conference he would propose what he called "Brownie's Law" requiring that qualified people, not political hacks, lead key federal agencies.

Edwards, who is seeking the Democratic presidential nomination, drew laughter when he spoke on Monday of the proposal at the "Hope and Recovery Summit" ahead of the two-year anniversary of the storm on Wednesday.

"It's an absolute travesty to have people who are essentially political hacks in a very responsible position," he told the audience at the University of New Orleans.

"Brownie" refers to Michael Brown, who was head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency when Katrina struck the United States on August 29, 2005. He was criticized as being a political appointee unprepared to lead FEMA when a floundering government effort stranded thousands for days in flooded New Orleans.

He resigned shortly after President George W. Bush, who appointed him to the post, told him publicly, "Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job" as chaos reigned in the devastated city.

Attention Democrats: This is the kind of shit you need to be doing. It's easily understandable, memorable, and has the support of, oh, 95% of the population (I assume). What an idea--appointing competent officials to high government positions.

Read the rest of the article to get a sense of how fucking crazy Duncan Hunter (R-Bedlam) really is. When the Republicans claim that "government is inept," what they're omitting is the modifier "Republican-run" before the noun in that phrase.

2007-08-27T09:52:00.000-05:00

You May Have Heard About This By Now

Former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and his life partner, undated photo.

Uh, yeah. Gonzo's out. I'd be happy, but I'm kind of worried about which even-douchebaggier-douchebag they'll find to replace him.

2007-08-26T10:49:00.000-05:00

Greek Fire

Yellow = Madness
Red = Sparta

So when did Greece turn into California? That's a bad scene.

UPDATE: Apparently, Ms. Dukakis is involved, as well:

Greek Fires Kill 56 and Lick Ancient Olympia.

Ewwww.....

2007-08-26T09:28:00.000-05:00

Amusing Sunday Story

Lookit the cute puppy.

Check out this story in Salon (yeah, you have to wait for the site pass ad if you don't have a subscription) about the late, great Weekly World News. It's written by a guy who used to be one of their reporters. I laughed out loud at this:

Once I was "in," I often described my job, without a hint of exaggeration, as "thinking of the stupidest shit possible." I once pitched a story positing that the U.S. government had data confirming that the one commonality linking all mass killers, including the Columbine shooters, was that they never masturbated. Rather than issue this report, which would save lives but promote onanism, the government preferred to let occasional slaughters take place. My editor rejected it on the grounds that it was "too plausible."

During my stint at the News I turned down chances to write for (the much better paying) Enquirer, because I didn't want to engage in celebrity trash-talk. WWN avoided celeb gossip, with the exception of Elvis and politicians (for instance, Donald Rumsfeld: "Rumsfeld Changes His Name to Rumsfeldstiltskin and Tells Rogue Nations 'Guess My New Name or We'll Invade You,'" "Homeland Security Chief's House Robbed Five Times in a Week"). By those standards alone, I considered it a higher calling.

Good stuff, indeed.

2007-08-24T14:19:00.000-05:00

Friday Fun

Why not check out the entire last episode of Blackadder Goes Forth today? Here it is, in three installments.

It's because of this small series, and, to a lesser extent, Jeeves and Wooster, that I just can't take Hugh Laurie seriously enough to watch House, M.D.

But I don't guess that's much of a loss.

2007-08-23T20:08:00.000-05:00

God's Asshole

No, not this guy. Not today, anyway.

It seems that astronomers at the University of Minnesota have found a giant hole in the Universe. Seriously. There's nothing there. It's a billion light-years across, and there just ain't shit in it. For comparison, our own galaxy is 100,000 light years edge to edge. Pretty neat stuff, but no one knows what it means yet.

I find it interesting that the asshole of the universe is not actually in Indiana. That would've been my bet.

2007-08-23T08:18:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday!

Look who's thirty!

The Voyager spacecraft were launched around thirty years ago. They're still operating from way, way, waaaaay the hell away. They're still speeding away from the solar system, traveling about a million miles a day. That's moving. The article has a couple of problems detail-wise, but it's a nice, concise summary.

2007-08-23T08:05:00.000-05:00

File Under "N"

For "No shit, Dick Tracy."

What are we talking about? Why, another incompetent corporate douchebag fucking up our federal government, of course. In this instance, the MSHA official sent to Crandall Canyon to watch that asshole Bob Murray pull a Giuliani in front of the news cameras while a half-dozen men died in his mine.

Many news organizations and blogs are also now asking questions about the governments role and the man chosen to lead the rescue effort, Mine and Health Safety Administrator, Richard Stickler.

Sunday, the questions that had been whispered about for days, the miner's families themselves finally made public.

Sonny Olsen, families spokesperson said, "We are at the mercy of the officials in charge and their so-called experts."

Increasing attention is now being paid to Stickler, the federal government's main mine man.

Stickler used to be a mining executive who - according to various media reports - ran mines which had several fatalities and "...an incident rate that was often twice the national average."

Stickler's rocky road to appointment

Also coming to light, is the fact that Stickler's nomination to head the mine administration was twice rejected by congress and rejected when republicans were still in charge. Rejected reportedly by senators who were concerned about Stickler's safety record when he operated mines. After his nomination was twice rejected by the Senate, President Bush gave Richard Stickler the mine safety job with a recess appointment. That's a presidential appointment made when congress is not in session. Finally, congressional investigations and hearings are now expected to look at a key provision of federal mining law, one which requires the U.S. Government to be the main communicator when an accident occurs. ABC News now notes it took the mine safety administration two days to take public control of the Crandall Canyon Mine. ABC also adds, "Others were irate that [mine owner Bob] Murray was allowed to publicly predict success and contradict MSHA itself while agency officials quietly looked on."

You ever think that maybe the right-wing people's bedrock faith that "government can't do anything right" is just a reflection of their own incompetence whenever they get near it?

Do they have signs like this in all the White House bathrooms these days?

2007-08-23T07:59:00.000-05:00

Russian Strongman

Teh Гей

Here's Vladimir Putin, showing that George Bush isn't the only world leader who can be photo-op manly on vacation. So how do you say "beefcake" in Russian?

2007-08-22T23:07:00.000-05:00

Video Goodness

Watch. Cry. Laugh. Pray.

2007-08-20T08:24:00.000-05:00

Make It Stop

Please, please, make it stop.

Dear Jeebus, I don't ask for much, but if it's not too much trouble, could you hurry up with that Apocalypse thing? I don't know if I can take crap like this any longer.

Yeah. Great idea, being "the CEO of your dating life." I'm sure that will lead to nothing but secure, mutually fulfilling relationships because, you know, that's what businesses are set up to do.

2007-08-17T09:21:00.000-05:00

Stupid Neocon Fantasies

The March of Folly, indeed

So I was reading Digby, like all of you should be doing as well. (Uh, that'll be $35.00, Digby. You're welcome.) She spends some time on Rudolph "Benito" Giuliani and "his" recent article in Foreign Affairs. She easily detects the fingerprints of the godfather of ~~soul~~ neoconservative drivel, Norman Podhoretz. She also makes the following observation, which I think needs comment:

According to this thesis, we have been fighting WWIV for 37 years, overlapping with WWIII by about 20. And WWIV is far from over. in fact, we might even be fighting WWV and WWVI right now, and not even know it.

Okay. So the neocons are idiots. We all know that. But there are a couple of things I'd like to point out. First of all, let's talk about World War II. It was a hell of a cataclysm. Some 60 million people died as a result of the war. The major focus of world economic activity for nearly half a decade was the production of material to slaughter other people (or to support that slaughter). It completely remade the world and American society in ways too numerous to detail here. Now, are we to equate that conflict with the War On Terra? Instead of fighting two massive, modern, industrial nation states on either side of the globe, who's the enemy here? That's right. Some broke-ass motherfuckers living in caves. I'm not saying that al-Qaeda is insignificant. However, we are not going to engage those bastards in a titanic world struggle for the preservation of our way of life. Notice we haven't had, say, a draft, or even partial mobilization of the country for war.

Now about the length of the conflict. Let's say, for the sake of convenience, that it started on 1 September 1939 with the German invasion of Poland. Yeah, we could date the start with the Japanese invasion of China in 1937, or of Manchuria in 1933, or, hell, even claim that the entire war was an extension of the Great War of 1914-1918. But let's stick with 1939, 'cause that's what most of the history books say. The war in Europe ended in May of 1945, and the Pacific war ended in August the same year. So that's a six-year war. Using my math skillz (they are teh awesum!), that averages out to ten million dead people per year. Yeah, I know that the killing wasn't evenly distributed over the entire war, but work with me here. If the War On Terra is JUST THE SAME AS WW2!!!11!!, shouldn't there be, say, 370 million dead people as a result? Of course, that's a stupid comparison. But it's exactly the kind of false equivalence that the wingnuts do about (inaccurate) murder rates in American cities vis-a-vis Baghdad.

I know that the Baby Boomers and the "Silent" Generation (of which N-Pod is a member) grew up in the shadow of World War II, and they've been trying to measure up to that for their entire lives. But we really need to find a new way of categorizing world events. The World Wars happened on a scale and to an extent that, we all pray, this little planet will probably never see again. We are not engaged in a titanic world struggle to preserve our way of life. We're just not. It doesn't matter how many times Pammycakes or Michelle Malkin or Rudy! bleat about the dire Islamojihadioompaloompaist threat. There really isn't any kind of existential peril. You don't need a World War to define your life. I imagine that if the rightwing bedwetters would take a deep breath and come to grips with these facts, they could actually relax and enjoy life once in a while.

2007-08-16T09:21:00.000-05:00

August, Baseball, and the Fucking Yankees

Yes. Yes, they do.

Leave it to the Onion to have not only the best journalism, but the best sports journalism in the country.

Just go read the whole thing. And be sad that Steve Gilliard isn't here to share the laugh.

2007-08-14T14:30:00.000-05:00

Lesson? What Lesson?

Arctic Ice Melt, 1979-2003, courtesy of NASA.

See that image? It is, as you may have guessed, a composite image from NASA showing the extent of Arctic ice melting over two decades and a half. This melting, of course, is caused by global warming, which is due in part to our rampant consumption of fossil fuels like oil. Now, it seems to me that a normal person who is familiar with the previous two sentences would look at that image and think, "Wow. We are seriously fucking things up. What can we do to ameliorate or at least slow the effects of this process?"

As it turns out, we are not at the mercy of what I would consider to be normal people.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Great Arctic Oil Rush.

Russia has taken a giant leap for the Kremlin by planting its flag on the ocean floor under the North Pole in a politically charged symbolic gesture to claim the rights to the sea bed which could be rich in oil and gas.

In a dramatic technical feat testing international law, the Russians dispatched two mini-submarines 2.5 miles to the ocean floor in what is believed to be the first expedition of its kind.

Both submersibles, with crews of three on board, completed their dangerous return to the surface yesterday after what was described as a "smooth landing".

But the expedition raised the hackles of Russia's neighbours, who also have their eye on the vast mineral deposits that could lie under the Arctic area, and who consider the Russian move as a brazen land grab. "This isn't the 15th century. You can't go around the world and just plant flags and say 'We're claiming this territory'," said Peter MacKay, Canada's Foreign Minister.

Russia has fired the first diplomatic shot in a really cold war. The new oil rush has been galvanised by the accelerated shrinking of the polar ice cap because of global warming, which has allowed exploration that had been previously unthinkable because of the extreme conditions.

Russia claims that the Lomonosov Ridge, an underwater mountain range crossing the polar region, is an extension of its territory. The UN has rejected Moscow's 2001 claim to the ocean bed, which it says is part of its continental shelf under international law but the Russians are due to resubmit their case to the committee administering the Law of the Sea.

A brains trust of 135 Russian scientists, led by a 68-year-old personal envoy of President Vladimir Putin, the explorer Artur Chilingarov, plan to map out part of the 1,240-mile ridge.

But yesterday's scientific achievement of dropping a titanium capsule containing the Russian flag on to the seabed could not conceal the political advantage gained by Mr Putin. Once again, he has demonstrated to the West Russia's determination to expand its energy empire.

The news of the mission's success dominated Russian television yesterday. Dmitry Peskov, Mr Putin's spokesman, said the President considered it "very important ... Being a unique scientific expedition, it is of course supported by the President."

The Foreign Minister, Sergei Lavrov, said: "I think this expedition will supply additional scientific evidence for our aspirations." But he added that the issue of territorial claim to the polar region "will be resolved in strict compliance with international law". If recognised, the claim would give Russia control of nearly half of the Arctic's near-half million square mile sea bed.

But four other countries - the US, Canada, Norway and Denmark - also have claims on the ocean floor which could hold as much oil and gas as Saudi Arabia. According to the US Geological Survey, the Arctic seabed and subsoil account for 25 per cent of undiscovered oil and gas reserves.

That's right. If you were an oil company executive, or Vladimir Putin, or (shudder) Dick Cheney, you'd see a grand strategic and business opportunity in the melting of the polar ice cap. Once again, that melting is due in no small part to human consumption of the same fossil fuels these people are so excited about obtaining. From what I've seen in major media reports of this scramble, no one has really mentioned the absurdist drama that is playing out before us.

As my friend Adam put it when I told him about that story, "That's like saying, 'I'm already drunk, why not go to 25-cent beer night?'"

Cross-posted over at First Draft.

2007-08-14T07:39:00.000-05:00

The Irrationality of Rational Actions, Yet Again

That's not what I meant when I said "stupid pig."

So imagine you're a cop. Put down that doughnut and stop harassing black people! Stay with me for a minute here. Imagine you're a cop. You see a vehicle doing 57 mph in a 30 mph zone. So you put on your fuckin' blue lights and pull over the vehicle in question. You drag your sorry ass out of your cruiser and approach the truck. When you get there, you see that the passenger has a fucking nail in his head. But you also notice that he's not wearing a seatbelt. Because you're just so fucking magnanimous, you decide to waive the speeding ticket, and you follow the vehicle to the hospital, but you cite the passenger--again, who has a goddamn nail in his head--for not wearing his seatbelt.

Now imagine that you're an asshole, 'cause you would be if you'd done all of that.

This actually happened up in Canada. Check it out.

Docherty, a construction foreman, was accidentally hit by a co-worker's powerful nail gun last week.

A first-aid officer jumped in his vehicle and raced Docherty to the hospital, a couple of kilometres away. But about halfway there, the pair was stopped on Central Saanich Road by a police officer conducting a speed trap.

"We showed him the nail sticking out of my forehead but he didn't care at all," Docherty told A-Channel news yesterday.

The officer stopped the two for driving 92 km/h in a 50 km/h zone and for not wearing a seatbelt. They explained why they were in a rush but the "first-aid emergency" didn't seem to concern the officer.

"He was dead set on getting some tickets," said Docherty.

The police officer followed the two to the hospital and once there issued a seatbelt ticket.

A seatbelt fine in B.C. is $167 but is less costly than a speeding fine that would have amounted to more than $300, according to Central Saanich police Chief Paul Hames.

"I think the officer used his discretion with the two different tickets," Hames said.

The police chief suggested the pair should have called an ambulance, which is permitted in emergencies to drive at speeds higher than the posted limit.

The officer, who is on holidays, was acting according to the law, Hames said.

"My concern is for the safety of the public at large," the chief said. However, he will speak to the officer to gather "more detail from his perspective."

Hames said some will see the police officer's actions as "unreasonable" but he hopes that the majority will understand that excessive speeds on the Central Saanich road were a concern and that the police officer was simply doing his job.

"The public will see a nail in a forehead and [possibly] not see the other side of the story," Hames said.

Docherty was back on the job site the following day and apart from a headache and some dizziness immediately after the accident, is reportedly feeling fine now.

What an asshole. His chief is an asshole too. (If you were ever enlisted in the navy, that will come as no surprise.) I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that there really isn't another side of the story. Seatbelt laws really shouldn't take precedence over big chunks of metal sticking out of heads. Just a thought.

2007-08-13T20:46:00.000-05:00

Just Kill Me Now

I'm not a terribly big Elvis fan, but there's nothing The King ever did to deserve this. Not even the goddam gold lamé. Nope, not even that could justify this horror:

Make it stop.

2007-08-13T15:47:00.000-05:00

Conspicuous Consumption Alert (Jeebus Edition)

DO NOT WANT

What do you get for the Bible-loving hunter who already has everything?

Why, a camouflage Bible cover, of course!

Reuters reporter Ed Stoddard recently discovered that you can buy camouflage Bible covers, and he thinks that such an item is just astonishing. He half-assedly tries to make some larger sociological point about what these covers mean ("camouflaged Bibles, a curious product which says a lot about American culture."), but he falls right on his face in the attempt.

Such products are classically American and highlight cultural traits which are especially pronounced in the South.

The first is a love affair with all things cam [sic], from pick-up trucks to baseball hats to shotguns.

"Men in the South love camo, it's just another way to communicate that they are an outdoorsman," said Lingner.

These products also highlight the U.S. evangelical love affair with hunting, fishing and the great outdoors.

A U.S. survey of licensed hunters and anglers last year commissioned by the National Wildlife Federation found half of those polled identified themselves as evangelical Christians.

Evangelical Christians, who number 60 million in the United States, are a key base of support for the Republican Party, which helps to explain its stand on a number of issues including its strident opposition to gun control. Hunters don't take kindly to restrictions on their weapons of choice.

Man, this is stupid. And what poor use of statistics! First--how many licensed hunters and fishers are there in the US? That seems like something we should be told. It turns out that, as of 2000, there were about 45 million fishing and hunting licenses sold in the US (Thanks, US Fish and Wildlife Service!). So we'll say that roughly 23 million hunters or fishers are evangelical Christians. Now where does Mr. Stoddard get off extrapolating the views of those 23 million to all evangelicals? He seems to be (intentionally or not, I make no claim either way) conflating all hunters & fishers with evangelical Christians. Even if you could do that, evangelical Christians are not some monolithic bloc of zombies. They do have differences of opinions on lots of issues (gasp!), and playing otherwise is just stupid.

The same could be said for hunters. For the record, there are quite a few outdoorsmen and -women who are in favor of things like gun control (see the American Hunters and Shooters Association if you don't believe me). As far as the GOP's "strident opposition to gun control," you know who's responsible for that? The fucking NRA. They happen to be responsible for a lot of Democrats' "strident opposition to gun control," too, asshole. The NRA doesn't speak for hunters, or evangelicals, or any particular group. The NRA speaks for the NRA, and they're damn good at getting what they want.

What bugs me most about the entire article, though, is the David Brooks-like faux astonishment at finding a "cute" news item in the hinterlands. First of all, if you search for "camouflage Bible covers," you get a lot more places to look than just the Christian Outdoorsman. And they're not new, either. Secondly, that goddamn condescending "Why, look at what curious customs these countrified rubes have!" tone really bothers me. Can we put this bullshit wannabe anthropology to rest, please? It's insulting to everyone. Please, please, dear reporters--don't take the David Brooks path. I know it seems easy, but it cheapens us all. Oh, and Mr. Stoddard--I checked all of these stats and stuff in about five minutes using this newfangled thing called "Google." You might want to look into that.

Finally, on to some Bible shit. Wouldn't a camouflaged Bible really be an insult to that Jesus guy? You know, the one who said that you're not supposed to light a candle and then put it under a bushel? (As an aside, that always made sense to me when I was a kid. I mean, you wouldn't want to set your bushel on fire, would you? Where would you get another one at that time of night?) Seriously, hunting people, are you really concerned that the goddamn deer (or whatever you're shooting at) are going to see your Bible and get spooked? How are you gonna explain that one on Judgment Day?

"My son, why didst thou hide thine light under a bushel, as I didst so clearly enjoin thee not to do?"
"Uh, yeah, sorry, lord, but there was this deer that I didst wanted for a trophy, and, uh..."
"A trophy? But didst I not also tell thee to not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth?"
"Well, yeah, but thou seest--hey! Are you gonna let me in or not?"
"I kind of have to forgive you, don't I? After all, I'm Jesus H. Christ! I've just been fuckin' with you! Come on in! Oh, and forget about all that "thee" and "thou" shit. Nobody's talked that way for three hundred years. Anyway, the reception for newbies is by MLK's place at noon. Don't be late."

Cross-posted over at First Draft just for the hell of it.

2007-08-13T09:58:00.000-05:00

Punch and Jude + First Draft = First Punch?

Suck on that, chump.

Hey hey. For the next week or so, I'll be guest-posting over at First Draft. Which, if you don't read every day, you should.

Check it out. You won't be disappointed. Well, not in the stuff the other people post, anyway. Assholes.

2007-08-13T07:06:00.000-05:00

Good News, Everyone!

Oh my, yes.

It looks like Karl Rove is resigning to spend more time with his leather slave. Seriously.

Anyway, sorry I haven't had much lately. Things have been busy on my end.

2007-08-01T10:44:00.000-05:00

A Black Day for Journalism

Where will I go?

It is with great sadness that I report the cessation of publication of that fine instrument of public record, the Weekly World News, also known as "The Paper". Oh, and noted son-of-a-bitch Rupert Murdoch acquired the Wall Street Journal, so I wouldn't be too surprised if they precipitously attenuated their usually-critical view of the People's Republic of China. But the real tragedy is the Weekly World News. Shed a tear, everyone.

To lift your spirits on this bleak day, I offer this:

It's 1500 Filipino prisoners dancing Michael Jackson's "Thriller," of course. What else would you expect?

2007-07-31T11:43:00.000-05:00

Rudy Giuliani, Reference Groups, and Rampant Motherfuckery

Poor Rudy. I feel for him.

Vanity Fair has a profile of Judith Stish Ross Nathan Giuliani (the third iteration of Mrs. Giuliani for Rudy) in this months issue.

Check this out:

And when she met Giuliani, Felder adds, he didn't have much money, either, "because Rudy was living on a mayor's salary"—$195,000 a year—"and had no inherited wealth, and was supporting his family very, very well."

Raoul Felder was Rudolph "Benito" Giuliani's divorce lawyer, the one that Rudy sent out to publicly humiliate his then-wife, Donna Hanover. The way Giuliani treated his family during that divorce should go down in the annals of motherfuckery. Felder, sonofabitch that he is, also represented Judith blah blah blah Giuliani a few years ago in a custody battle over a child from a previous marriage.

But about that paltry mayor's salary--this shit makes me sick.

Since when is $200,000 not "much money"? Boo fucking hoo. The median household income in 1999 (warning: PDF), when the already-married Giuliani met this woman, was just a hair under $42,000/year. His salary would have put Rudy in the top 2.4% of all income earners in the US then.

As far as how much money he had to pay in alimony: If he hadn't been such a colossal douchebag to his ex-wives, he wouldn't have had to pay out as much cash.

Who the fuck are these people comparing salaries with? "Only" $200,000? I've been hanging out with the wrong people my entire life, apparently, since I am under the impression that a six-figure salary is pretty fucking good. Especially when you live in Gracie Mansion and don't pay any rent. Only 200 G's. I'll file that under "Problems I Wish I Had."

Check out James Wolcott's take on this piece. But I should warn you--you'll laugh out loud, and maybe throw up in your mouth a little.

Originally found over at InstaPutz, your clearinghouse for mockery of Glenn Reynolds (InstaCracker to some) and Ann Althouse (The Shrieking Harpy of Wisconsin).

2007-07-30T12:15:00.000-05:00

Where Else but Florida?

If you think a sign like this is unnecessary, you've obviously never visited Florida.

We haven't been on the "kick Florida out of the Union" tip in a while, but I figured this story needed to be drawn to your attention.

The sheriff and chief jailer in Broward County, Florida, is bringing criminal charges against county jail inmates for--I swear to god I am not making this up--masturbating. Yes. In addition to making baby Jeebus cry, masturbating in the Broward County Jail can now buy you another sixty days in lockdown. Seriously.

[Sheriff Ken] Jenne, as sheriff and chief jailer in Broward County, has launched a crackdown on self-abusing miscreants. It's no longer enough to warn hairy-palmed drooling deviants that self-indulgence risks stunted growth, blindness, sallow skin, slackened jaws, amnesia, shrunken testicles, impotence and, for Catholics in particular, eternal damnation. Jenne wants jail time.

And, late Wednesday afternoon, in a triumph of creative law enforcement, masturbation in the county jail became a criminal pleasure. Good for another 60 days behind bars.

Sheriff Jenne, with help from the office of State Attorney Mike Satz, who has taken on additional duties as Broward's dean of boys, notched a law enforcement triumph when a county court jury convicted Terry Lee Alexander, 20, of going at it in his cell last November.

At the time of the offense, Alexander was punished with 30 days without TV, music, exercise time and other jail house perks. But obviously self-abuse demands a criminal charge and a full-blown jury trial, and two prosecutors, and a court-appointed taxpayer-paid defense lawyer and six jurors (and an alternate), and a judge, and a court reporter, and a couple bailiffs, and a pretrial deposition, and a daylong trial.

Not that any of the time and expense of a trial would have any actual effect on the life of the defendant. Alexander was already looking at 10 years for a robbery conviction. But the trial was clearly intended to send a message from the sheriff and state attorney to other sex fiends lurking in their lock-up.

The sheriff's critics, of course, might find the prosecution of a masturbation case curious given the burst of violent crimes that has beset the county lately. They might also point out that Sheriff Jenne, who's feeling the heat of a federal criminal investigation himself, may come to appreciate the sexual needs of a lonely inmate.

And there's also the lingering issue of what seems to be a spectacular case of selective prosecution. The prosecution's only witness, jailer Coryus Veal, testified Wednesday afternoon, ``They had warned me about what goes on there.''

Indeed, "they" were right.

Deputy Veal initiated criminal charges against eight inmates (Four, so far, have taken plea deals while three others await trial.) for what may be the most flouted violation in the history of jails, boarding schools, seminaries and military barracks. And who knows what goes on underneath those flowing black judicial robes.

Technically, Alexander faced charges of indecent exposure, with lots of lewd, lascivious, wicked, deviant, etc. tacked on. He also faced the prosecution's tortured contention that his jail cell qualified as a "public place."

In the course of the one-day trial, prosecutor Cynthia Lauriston and Veal managed to describe Alexander's offense in startling detail, eight times, once with Lauriston approximating the action with arm motions. It was hard to imagine the original act could have had a much more lascivious effect than the lurid stuff those poor women had to utter, over and over, in Courtroom 417 Wednesday.

God damn, that's stupid. How much you wanna bet Sheriff Jenne votes Republican? Although I think I would have paid to see a goddam DA pantomime jerking off in a courtroom.

Found over at Racy Mind.

2007-07-30T06:43:00.000-05:00

All Aboard!

Yeah, the Schadenfreude Express is gonna be crowded today.

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Undeserving twat Paris Hilton is out sixty million dollars because her grandfather got tired of seeing her intoxication, embarrassing run-ins with the law, and, well, Paris Hilton's twat drag down his name. If that whole "pleasure taken from someone else's misfortune" has ever been appropriate, now is the time.

There just might be a Jeebus, after all.

2007-07-26T13:30:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I'm Busy. You Kids Go Play Outside

Don't forget your knives!

Sorry I haven't had much lately. Busy busy busy. In the meantime, read some of the fine links over to the right.

Or, you could read this hilarious piece at Fire Joe Morgan!

So, then, hre is what ARod's presence is worth to the 2007 Yankees: a chance at the playoffs. Without him this year, they are right now trading veterans for prospects and looking to 2008. Joe Torre has been fired. Brian Cashman has been fired. Lindsay Lohan is running the team. Billy Crystal is in jail for war crimes. Paul Simon has burned down Jack Nicholson's house. Anarchy.

Fuck the fuckin' Yankees. And their fuckin' fans. Even though he's got no charisma, Alex Rodriguez is a great ballplayer. He's not a politician--charisma shouldn't matter. The guy is keeping the Yankees out of the AL East basement this year, and all he gets is ration of shit after ration of shit.

Thanks a lot, Yankee fans and NY sports media. You've made me feel sympathy for a guy who'll make a quarter of a billion dollars playing a game for a living. You fucks.

2007-07-18T09:50:00.001-05:00

Hail to the King, Baby

This is my boomstick. Now get me these new Reese's cups.

In honor of Elvis Presley, Hershey's is going to produce peanut butter cups with banana creme. This may be the greatest idea since the Mallo Cup.

Oddly, the Hershey people are not using pictures of old, fat Elvis in their campaign. Where are the truth in advertising people when you need them?

2007-07-18T09:35:00.000-05:00

Further Thoughts on Michael Vick, Douchebag